Hey there, Luata here for a review. Notably, it's been forever since I've last reviewed any works so please bear with me as I'm a bit rusty. Also, I've never reviewed a collab poem before. Anyway! Onward and upward!
I'm going to take this apart stanza by stanza. Please keep in my mind that this is just my opinions, so feel free to use, contest, or ignore any of my suggestions. I hope you find this vaguely helpful.
Soft grey light of winters' day
Fades the shadows' edges away
I do believe that it should be "winter's day" since you are referring to only one winter that has a day and also if you rephrased the second line to "Fades the shadow's edge away" it creates that rhythm with your first line. Otherwise it sounds choppy if you say it aloud.
Biting back to darkest sins
The light takes over and wins
If you were to insert "it" behind "wins" so it reads like: "The light takes over and it wins" that gives the second line a similar syllable count to the first, again creating that natural flow within the couplet.
The sun in the sky enlightens;
The world, it gracefully brightens.
I would get rid of the comma after "world", again, just to create that flow that I was talking about earlier.
Life rejoices, grateful and young
But dies at dusk, with words unsung
To be honest, I have no complaints for this couplet. I'm rather fond of it actually. And as a disclaimer, I don't believe that I am familiar with any of these authors, so I am not expressing any pre-determined bias here.
The earth is cold, cold above
Below is warmth, the warmth of love
Here I would rephrase the first line to be "The earth is cold, so cold above" which creates that verbal flow with the second part of the couplet if you read it aloud.
Shell of snow conceals the day
Until the light of spring brings way
I don't quite feel the "shell of snow" as a pleasing metaphor (when one is thinking about snow, shell is not a word that usually comes to mind) but I can see what the author is getting at. No complaints of flow with this couplet.
To a glowing warmth, a sunlit patch
That nothing else could ever match
No complaints with this stanza either.
To be perfectly frank, I had trouble seeing all of the couplets as a cohesive whole (and personally, I found it easier to look at each couplet like an individual piece, sort of, if that makes any sense) but I acknowledge that it was a collab piece. I do agree with gxidencrxwns (that's a mouthful) that the concept was a bit cliche.
I look forward to seeing future pieces!
Best of luck,
~Luata
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