Published July 16, 2017
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140,234 Literary Works • 673,048 Reviews
Hey there, Luata here for a review. Notably, it's been forever since I've last reviewed any works so please bear with me as I'm a bit rusty. Also, I've never reviewed a collab poem before. Anyway! Onward and upward!
I'm going to take this apart stanza by stanza. Please keep in my mind that this is just my opinions, so feel free to use, contest, or ignore any of my suggestions. I hope you find this vaguely helpful.
I do believe that it should be "winter's day" since you are referring to only one winter that has a day and also if you rephrased the second line to "Fades the shadow's edge away" it creates that rhythm with your first line. Otherwise it sounds choppy if you say it aloud.
If you were to insert "it" behind "wins" so it reads like: "The light takes over and it wins" that gives the second line a similar syllable count to the first, again creating that natural flow within the couplet.
I would get rid of the comma after "world", again, just to create that flow that I was talking about earlier.
To be honest, I have no complaints for this couplet. I'm rather fond of it actually. And as a disclaimer, I don't believe that I am familiar with any of these authors, so I am not expressing any pre-determined bias here.
Here I would rephrase the first line to be "The earth is cold, so cold above" which creates that verbal flow with the second part of the couplet if you read it aloud.
I don't quite feel the "shell of snow" as a pleasing metaphor (when one is thinking about snow, shell is not a word that usually comes to mind) but I can see what the author is getting at. No complaints of flow with this couplet.
No complaints with this stanza either.
To be perfectly frank, I had trouble seeing all of the couplets as a cohesive whole (and personally, I found it easier to look at each couplet like an individual piece, sort of, if that makes any sense) but I acknowledge that it was a collab piece. I do agree with gxidencrxwns (that's a mouthful) that the concept was a bit cliche.
I look forward to seeing future pieces!
Best of luck,
~Luata
Thanks for your awesome review. You don't seem to be rusty at all.
It's in the spotlight!
Hello, snowmonkey9! Gxldencrxwns, once again, here for a review!
I believe this is the largest collaborative poem you've published, with six users, counting you. That's what I like. The more the merrier!
However, I find the title to be a little cliche. The idea of darkness and light in the same sentence is overused when it comes to short stories and poems, and all pieces of writing in general. Rarely does the darkness and light title go with the writing, it usually comes off as a gag to appeal more readers. But this one, however, actually goes along with the title, so good job on that.
For the actual writing itself, I thoroughly like it. You didn't use overly big words and managed to make it sound like it took days to write each word. Every now and then there would be a tiny zinger, which I liked.
As far as typing mistakes go, I only saw one. In Wolfical's line:
Life rejoices, grateful and young
But dies at dusk, with words unsung
After life, there is an extra, unneeded space. Don't worry, typing mistake, I know all about those.
That's all I have left to review. Have a nice day, and keep writing!
~gxldencrxwns
Thank you. Of Darkness and Light was kinda just a default name I decided to stick with. I'm not one for name titles.
I didn't even notice the extra space, but it's fixed now thank you