Published November 15, 2009
When I was a young girl, I had dreams of romance and love. Though when i was 15 I thought they were about to come true. I saw George. George was had shiny black hair that went nearly to his chin, his eyes were hazel that I lost my self in with every peek. You see it was my first vacation without my parents only me and my best friend Lisa. So later that night she told me.
"Elise, remember that guy George we met at the beach? Well he asked me out! I'm super excited! Help me get ready, he'll be here soon!"
This shouldn't have surprised me because Lisa was so much more beautiful than I, with her shiny platinum blonde hair that hung gracefully, her piercingly blue eyes, and perfectly toned figure. I was always used to being second best with my plain brown hair and green eyes I was never noticed, unless someone wanted Lisa. Though because I thought George was different, I thought this would be different. Since Lisa is my best friend I will support her no matter how difficult.
"That's um.. great Lisa. All though I bet I'll spend a lot of vacation alone now." I said with a fake grin.
"Course not your my best friend! I'll find someone for you to hang out with, I won't leave you alone" Lisa grinned at me while flipping through her designer clothes.
"Okay...Thanks. He's here! Run George is coming!" I peered through the window.
"Crap...distract him for five minutes. please Elise! I'm not even dressed!" Lisa begged me.
And of course I said yes. So I ran down the stairs to answer the door cursing myself for not wearing any make-up. Oh my god he looked adorable in a blue button-down. When he saw me he opened the door and walked in.
"Elise! So good to see you! Is Lisa ready?" George walked in to the living room of our suite.
"Lisa will be down in five, nice to see you too. Will you be hitting the beach tomorrow?" I didn't realize how lame I sounded until I had already said it. I started fidgeting in the chair.
Thank God that's when Lisa showed up! George immediately stood and they headed for his Bentley. I sneaked to the window hoping to catch a glimpse of him. There he is still gorgeous heading on a date with my best friend.
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is a lovely place to start here. Its a rather classic combo there at any rate. Definitely the style of opening that gets your attention right away there especially when that's combined with getting us invested in these characters really quickly with the emotions and the drama that is at play there. This definitely gets you very much wanting to continue reading.
Oooh I love how real the emotions on display are here. The dialogue is a little bit stiff there but it almost works with the kind of atmosphere created there and I really like the way you're making it clear this person is struggling with this dilemma here and isn't just completely noble about the whole situation. It makes it much more realistic and powerful as a scene.
Love the place you manage to end it here. It definitely hits hard along with the title to see this person in that situation. The emotions you create around this and just the almost moral dilemma of the situation is really quite something to consider for this one here. It definitely does more than enough to make us very much want to read more here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Kate
Combine these two sentences.
Nice descriptions!
An ellipses (...) is two dots, not three! Also, you could combine these two sentences like this,
"'That's um... great, Lisa, although I bet I'll spend a lot of vacation alone now.'"
"Flipping," made me thought that she was looking at a magazine of designer clothes - maybe try to use a different word, eh?
One word, well, a phrase: EW, EW, EW! Pardon the caps but it was totally necessary, try to reword this paragraph! I fixed it up a bit but still....
Okay, well, the narrator/main character, Elise? She seems like a superficial, somewhat desperate and stuck-up queen; it's rude, I know, but I don't like her - though if you make another chapter or so I'll probably end up liking her. I agree, this is a cliché; feels like I've read this story before. Vacation, boys, drama, feeling sorry for yourself, worshiping your beautiful bff, etc. You need to add something that makes it original! There are a lot of grammatical and spelling errors - but I think I covered most of them.
It took a lot of time reviewing this, so be appreciative! Just add some originality and fix that poor grammar and spelling in the story! Once you touch up on the story with grammar and spelling correction it will be a decent story.
Personally, the idea of the story, I liked it despite that their are millions of stories alike - maybe not millions but a lot, I guess. Though, I am a sucker for these type of stories. Just improve it and such and you'll have a decent story on your hands.
Logan.
Hm, to be honest, I've seen this story so many times. I'm not saying that it wasn't good, besides the grammatical errors, but it's just simply the fact that this has been done before, and reading it over and over again doesn't intrigue me. I think you could write something great, just do it in a new way. Nobody likes angst.
Alright, here we go.
To be honest, this story is a little cliché. You might want to add something in there to make it a little more original. You should brush up on your punctuation, too. But, besides that, it wasn't bad.
PM me if you have any questions.
There were a lot of grammatical and writing errors, and some were repetitive, so I didn't bother fixing all of them.
Never start a sentence off with "So," and I feel that there needs to be a colon near the end of the sentence.
There is an excessive amount of exclamation points, and they are not needed whatsoever. Also, this bit seems a bit too rushed. No real person would let that all out in one breath to their best friend, so fill in what her facial expressions are, her tone of voice, and what is going through Elise's mind between the spaces.
There needs to be a comma after "Me."
It's a bit annoying how you physically describe each character the same way, and the color of someone's hair and eyes do not determine whether they are beautiful or not. Try going for a different approach with detailing beauty.
Again, what I said above.
How difficult what is? You should finish the statement with something like "...I will support her no matter how difficult it is for me to accept."
There should be a comma, and the two sentences should merge.
No need for the exclamation mark.
Overall:
This story is very vapid, and doesn't detial enough feelings of any of the characters. A lot of it had grammatical errors, and you should touch up on that.