Did they misplace it?
Break it,
Burn it,
Take it?
I feel lost without it.
The more the skies clear,
The more I doubt it.
What more could someone ask?
With my mind in their hands.
They would be able see,
My secrets,
Thoughts,
Lies,
Mistakes.
I cannot think without it,
I can’t breathe,
Can’t feel,
Can’t see,
I can’t be who I want to be.
Now I’m not me any longer,
I’m empty,
None of these thoughts are able to be remembered,
None of me,
Is able to be remembered.
The pictures,
Papers and,
People of my life,
Will not have my face,
My name,
Nor my touch.
The air will be the only thing,
Conscious of,
My pathetic existence.
Oxygen inhaled,
Carbon dioxide exhaled.
The only thing remembered
Without my mind,
I’m a meaningless dead star,
Still in the sky,
But not able to be seen.
A cold ember in the forgotten camp fire.
The single ant killed under a human’s shoe.
Flowers covered by snow.
Without my mind,
I’m,
Without,
Hope.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,030 Literary Works • 672,787 Reviews
I really liked this. I thought it was beautiful and wonderfully written. I liked the stanzas.. the story.. the.. Everything about this poem was good. I have nothing to complain about. It was priceless and a real work of art.
Without the mind we are confused and lost, sometimes not even there. But what will we do when we are confused and no one can see us?
If you need any critiquing or anything just message me!
Keep writing, I really enjoy your work!
-Hayley
Oh dear, I hope you find your mind! But even without it you have written a fantastic poem! I find the topic of this poem extremely interesting and the way you wrote the poem very expressive! Notice how I keep using exclamation points? That's because I like this poem, and I can relate to it! Seeing the meaning of the poem and liking what I see makes me think this poem is terrific! Sorry that I can't be more helpful than saying that I love this poem. Someone else can be critical! this poem is great!
Hiya!
With the poem, I think that it communicates your idea across very clearly: that the narrator would be pretty much dyfunctional without their mind. But what I'd like to know is why? How did this poem come about in the first place? To me, this poem seemed like a bunch of description about what life would be like without a mind, but there's nothing mentioning why the mind would be gone in the first place. Perhaps you'd even need to give it some sort of story line or something. To me, a poem is rather dull and meaningless without meaning behind it. Not that your poem is meaningless. I just think that it could be extended in depth and meaning.
That's the main point I'd like you to think about, the poem as a whole is pretty good. Capitalisation, punctuation and grammar is pretty good. The formatting seems strange and broken for me, but hey, that's what blank verse is for right? Even thought I'm not a big fan of the formatting, it's still correct.
Also, there's some stanzas where you only have one word lines. On the last stanza, it works really well. But I'm not sure about the others. Like stanza four. To me, it looks too spaced out and broken. Although, I'm not sure what you can do to fix that up as jamming it all up one line would make the single line too long. Compress it into two lines, maybe? Although that's just what I think. My sole opinion.
So yes, pretty good poem, but I'd like you to extend the depth and meaning, if you can/want. Keep writing!
Hi,
This is a brilliant idea. Good job! The format is phenominal, but the punctuation is iffy. You repeated secrets in stanza four which was unnessasary. Near the end there should be a comma after meaningless. The spelling was good. Grammar was pretty good. Congrats.
Farewell,
A.