Just breathe,
place one foot in front of the other.
Ignore the screams,
shut yourself off from the pain.
Just listen,
hear the right words.
Ignore the wrong ones,
keep yourself away from the darkness.
Just watch,
notice the miracles around you.
Ignore the disasters,
make sure your prepared for the cold.
Close your eyes and breathe.
Image,
no pain,
no darkness,
and no cold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well, this was okay.
Firstly! Points off for "make sure your prepared for the cold" - it should be "you're."
Now then...
I liked the format - consistency worked in your favor in this piece. The stanzas of advice made up mantras, which I think was a nice touch. Gave the whole thing some class, some high-brow leveling that makes it stand out more from the crowd.
Not sure if the last stanza is supposed to have "Imagine" instead of "Image" ... both can work with your meaning, but it's not very clear and that may bug readers.
Now, as for whether your poem lived up to your title - not really. Most of the language is general, not really putting down anything more specific that could be considered at all personal. This hurts the poem, as it gains a superficial gloss that is hard to wipe off and, for the reader, very bright. Add details, little things, however trivial they may seem. Those bits and pieces give the audience something to hold on to, they personalize the message without forcing it. This may best be put into an extension, or you could alternate the 'mantra' stanzas with intricate ones for the details and wingdings and whatnot.
All that said, this is a lovely piece and shows promise. Keep writing! =]
Hi there, snickerdooly.
Very, very neat work. I love it. You managed to make it interesting and it flows pretty well. Your imperative sentences make this beautiful; you used all our senses and made us hook up into the poem. I actually have nothing to critique about this piece. It was lovely. Keep Writing! ^_^
~Solly<3
Snickerdooly,
That's great! Amazing poem, really really well written. The last stanza is just phenomenal, really. I love how you've invented this way of dealing with the pain of the cold and darkness, it's amazing. In fact, not just the last stanza is great, they all are!!
I really can't fault this poem, except for maybe the punctuation at the beginning of some lines. ( you need a capital letter) But otherwise, you are good. I like how this poem flows, and how it's not the usual ballad-like and smooth style. It's broken and sort of disconnected rhythm leads up to the climax of the final stanza, and despite the fact that none of the words rhyme, it feels as if it does. And that takes real skill.
Well done to you, great job!
Angus