The Escalating Involvment

If you want to read this I placed it into the romantic fiction the title is Hidden Heart sorry for the deleted

Thanks.

Here it is - forum159.html

Thanks guys, really like your suggestions and this is to dreamy. Every time I read it I find something wrong, like a word is wrote wrong or weird punctuation but it's a good idea to do it in sections! Thanks! By the way, whats the advanced critiques section?

Woah! This was really long! Can you break it up into parts? Then I can do a good review. It seems good so far.

--Dreamy

Oh! And Welcome to YWS! Nice to have you. PM me with any questions or stuff.
And keep writing!
Oh! And! Read this over! There are lots off easily catchable mistakes.

Wow this is a serious piece of work, I only had the time to make it to chapter three

Your thoughts seem to flow without interruption, many established and respected authors use this device, but you must be able to make it work by propping it up with impeccable sentences. And now, for some examples.

My steps are weak and my feet stumble beneath me, I think it's people who stumble, and their legs buckle.

speaking to him my voice is ragged and soft, after all the punishments I’ve received over the last two long weeks. I think it's just 'after the punishment I've received...' and also, perhaps 'soft' is not the bet word. Hoarse maybe? Husky?

“Where are we going,” I stop walking and tap his shoulder waiting. waiting for what? For his reply I guess, but you must baby talk to the reader sometimes, spell ot what you are waiting for.

His feet slow, turning to look at me, he speaks “Does it matter where we’re going,” his voice is soft and determined. - He slows down and looks at me. "“Does it matter where we’re going,” he says, his voice soft and determined.

Staying up all night with my friends, talking and flirting with guys way past eleven can really take a toll on you. hihi, this will not sound very silly only for people under 16. Nothing wrong with eleven being the dreaded barrier, or 'flirting with guys', but here suddenly the text crashes and becomes a charming fantasy of someone who is more a child then a teenager. Especially when the author's voice is also the main character's voice, you must be very carefull to not let yourself enter the character too much, or it becomes an obvious diary of fantasies. You must take care to present it as a real story.


I always snuck out most nights through my bedroom window but every morning my mom and dad somehow knew I always left and they would ground me or what not. hihi, also sounds like a logical paradox - she always sneaks out, they always know and alway ground her. Perhaps everytime she seaks out they find out somehow and ground her - something like this maybe will allow you to escape the paradox.

Telling me about there so called crap of a life and how they just want me to have a better one. 'there' is 'their', and 'crap of a life' is either crappy life or crap life.

I’ve been sneaking out for the last month, yet my parents have yet gone to the extent of placing bars on my windows. I'm not really sure what you're saying here.

I find myself stumbling along wishing I had a car even - to evade making this again a fantasy of a growing child add some 'real life' details, like 'wishing I had a car, and that it would be legal for me to drive it', or 'wishing I had a car and was an adult already', or somehing.

Sleep comes to me quickly wrapping itself around me, tightening its deadened grip on my throat. ahem, good attempts at metaphores, but try to not go overboard. I mean the throat bit. It would be an apt description of intense fear, but of going to sleep - hardly.

During the night the air seemed to have gotten colder, crap I forgot my coat ere the first half is a description of events taking place, and the second half is inner dialogue. There should either be some sort of bridge between them, or they should be slightly reworked separate sentences.

My breath is ragged and I can see the carbon exhaling from my mouth - the carbon does not exhale itsef, you exhale carbon. So either the carbon dioxide is steaming out of your mouth, or 'as I exhale I see the carbon monoxide some out in small pale puffs...' or something. Discribe it in any way, but remember that carbon monoxide does no breathe itself out of you

Anyway, a very nice attempt, way to go, good luck, etc. By the way, if you write a few more chapter, why not upload it directly to the advanced critiques section, where big chunks of literature are reviewed?