Young Writers Society

Hello again! I see that this is a much shorter post than your previous one, and so therefore easier for me to critique. So that's good! A word of advice, though for when you do want to post really long pieces - post them in sections, so as not to daunt your reader. An overly long post is a nightmare to critique, and will put readers off. Posting in sections will make it easier for your readers, and so you will get more critiques. You're not guilty of this as yet, but I just thought some friendly advice wouldn't go amiss

Also, before I start properly, please, please, please space your paragraphs. Big blocks of writing are not fun to read.

To begin with, your spelling and punctuation is, for the most part, good. So nothing to comment on there. Also, I like the idea you have of writing the beginning of the scene from Seuja's point of view. It makes this more interesting (as well as reminding me, again, of Mewtwo in the first Pokemon movie - good days!). So now, on with the critique.

Although I think you have good ideas here, the whole scene is, at the moment, a bit messy and confusing. It's going too quickly, and I don't have a clue what's going on unless I go back and carefully analyse every sentence, which, though a good technique for essay writing, is not something I really want to be doing when reading for pleasure.

Seuja strolled confidently through the wrecked laboratory, occasionally stopping to deal the finishing blow to one of the more fortunate scientists – that is, their lives were slightly longer. But then he heard something that was completely alive, not at death’s door or trapped. A female. And it was approaching.

Technically, this is fine. There are no grammatical errors, or anything like that. However, I find that it's moving too quickly. We've just been properly introduced to this character, and, in a couple of sentences we realise that he is, it seems, murderous and bloodthirsty. Now, when there are no other distractions, would be a good time to develop his character a bit. What is he seeing, smelling, thinking? Why is he doing this? An important question. What is it that makes him want to kill people who have, based on your previous entry, done nothing but give him life. You don't need to tell us exactly why he's doing this, as that may very well be a central point for the plot. But a little hint in the right direction would serve, for the moment, to satisfy the readers hunger for knowledge. Something like 'he licked his lipless mouth in anticipation' would not only suggest that he's enjoying this little massacre (and so, for now, give the reader what they want), but also add to his character. At the moment, he's lifeless. We assume that he is a character, as you've given him a name. Therefore, he should have some characteristics which the reader can identify with. Give him thoughts and feelings. 'Seuja did this, he threw that, he killed them' is not particularly interesting, yet that's all we've got at the moment.

Seuja straightened from the body of a researcher to face the new arrival. As the woman saw him she dashed to a console and pushed a button which released a tranquiliser into Seuja’s blood, rendering him helpless in the pitiful human form he was disguised in. Seuja hissed, but she merely dropped her clipboard on a table that hadn’t been destroyed and looked him square in the eye. Seuja tilted his head, trying to see what she was doing. Why didn’t she run? He decided it didn’t matter and grabbed her arm, spinning her in the air before tossing her into a wall.

There are a couple of things here that need rethinking. Firstly, the woman's reaction seems entirely unnatural. She's just arrived on the scene and hasn't (we assume) been aware of what's been going on. So she should, at the very least, be a little surprised at the sight of Seuja. Is she? apparently not. Instead of stopping dead in her tracks and staring for a few seconds, as one would expect, she immediately dashes to and pushes a button on the console. This is unrealistic, and I recommend you change it. It will take the shorter half of thirty seconds and, after all, it is these minor details that can make or break a book.

We are also told that pressing the button has 'released a tranquilliser into Seuja’s blood, rendering him helpless in the pitiful human form he was disguised in.' Now, you should have mentioned this 'pitiful human form' before, in order to prevent an overly-long statement such as this. Preferably, seeing as his appearance does seem to have some significance (I never would have though it from his brief introduction, which didn't so much as mention his physical attributes), you should have included this in your opening paragraph of the chapter. Something to help steady the rushed feeling we have at the beginning. I would also think a change of words is in order, as 'pitiful' implies he is weak which, judging by the fact that he can pick up and throw grown men and women, he is not. 'Disguised' is a puzzle to the mind. What on earth does he need a disguise for? He's not in hiding, he's killing openly, he's got no reason to want to go unseen. Small things such as these deserve as much, or maybe even more attention than the larger, more visible plot points. Also, about this tranquilliser - you've stated that it's rendered him helpless. How, then, can he now continue to fight? If he's helpless, then have him fall to the ground, unable to do anything. If you really want the fight to happen, then don't mention the tranquilliser at all. Instead, have the woman arrive, stop and stare in shock, and then let the fight commence.

She let out a little squeak of pain before flopping to the ground, but somehow she managed to get up again. Seuja grabbed her again. If she would keep getting up she would keep getting hurt. He spun around and threw her away, knowing that if he could defeat her, then he would probably be able to transform back to his true physical form.

First, 'a little squeak of pain' seems entirely out of place here. I would expect more of a 'grunt' or 'cry' than a squeak. A) She's not a toddler, she's a grown woman, and B) We're told she gets up, apparently with lots of fight still left in her. Therefore, by using the word 'squeak' we immediately get an inaccurate impression of her character. Unless you're using it for comedy, then I would expect a squeaky person to either get up and run away or not get up at all. It may be stereotypical, but you're trying to introduce a character here, and for that you need to get the impression right. You can give her unique little quirks later. Right now, it seems you want to present her as a strong fighter - a 'squeak' is not the first thing that comes to mind when thinking of that.

And now we get onto this mention of a 'true physical form'. Prior to now, you've made no mention whatsoever of a true physical form, and so this just distracts what is happening. Furthermore, he has now defeated loads of people - why is this particular win going to be the catalyst that allows him to revert back to his other form? This should have been dealt with beforehand, either directly or via skilful use of foreshadowing. Have him look around the laboratory before the woman arrives, have him find something that will tell him that doing such-and-such will mean such-and-such will happen. Or don't mention 'forms' at all. That being said, how exactly does he know that he has a true physical form? From what we can guess, he's been alive and aware for a few days at the most and, judging by his immediately violent tendencies, nobody has told him anything about how his body works, or anything relevant to that. So how does he know, well, anything? How does he know about true forms, how can he so skilfully fight? These questions need to be answered, or have him act more as we would expect. He hasn't learned from a trained expert how to fight, so have him blunder, using strength instead of skill. Have him accidentally crash into walls. Do not, whatever you do, make him a perfect killer, who never makes any mistakes. Imperfections make a character a character.

And now, after watching the scene through Seuja's eyes, we are suddenly told that we are reading through Luna's point of view. When done well, this can be very effective. Though you haven't done badly, your sudden swap leaves a lot to be desired, for exactly that reason - it's far too sudden. This has more to do, I think with the way the whole thing seems, at the moment too rushed than with anything else. The pace of the scene as a whole is at fault. Ease yourself into the other POV. The only way I can tell you clearly what I mean is by providing an example.

Seuja spun around, his arm outstretched, and smashed his fist into the woman's side, flinging her across the room.

Luna, reeling from the shock of sudden and unwanted air-travel, staggered to her feet.

Though not an excellent example of writing, this explains my point. The transition is smooth, and the move into the second POV carries on exactly from where the first ended. Instead of cutting across a thought, and so jarring the action, it runs on seamlessly into the next paragraph (well, that example doesn't, but it's good enough to express the point).

You go on to the main bulk of your action scene, which has nothing in particular to fault. However, I would recommend you add some sense and feeling to it. Describe what Luna is smelling, seeing, hearing, feeling. Tell us her thoughts. Incorporate all this into the action, so that it runs fluidly. The same can be said for the action with Seuja. As it is now, without the use of names, it would be difficult to distinguish between who is fighting in which part. Give your characters a voice, make them easily identifiable. All of that will help improve this to no end.

And then, in the middle of this fast-paced action scene, we have this:

She snatched it, noticing briefly the inscription on the silver point. It was more like a trident than a spear, as it had three sharp edges on the blade, and that was what made her realise what it was – the Lunar Spear.
Strangely, she had managed to pick the one weapon under scientific scrutiny that was actually of interest to her. It was named after the Beautiful Moon, like Luna, and had once belonged to the Moon Goddess, also named Luna. It was said that Luna and her Spear had met their match only once – in the Solar Blade belonging to Solus, God of the Magnificent Sun.

You describe fairly extensively the appearance of the spear, which slows down the story considerably, and then you reveal the secret - and thus the story slams to a halt. It's a massive info-dump where it's not needed. You describe, dramatically, how Luna discovers the Lunar Spear. So what? Are we supposed to gasp in shock? This would be difficult, as we have no idea what this spear means. For all we know, it's just an ordinary piece of metal. The Lunar Spear has not been mentioned once throughout your story so far, and so the significance of its discovery is completely lost on the reader. As if that isn't enough, you then go on to recount a brief history of the spear, leaving your characters tapping their toes with impatience in the background. When you finally do go back to the story, it sounds disjointed and awkward. We're not excited to see what happens any more, the action has been bogged down by unnecessary information. And then, just as we think that the discovery of the Lunar Spear, however little we know of it, is going to be Luna's saviour, she gets knocked unconscious.

Perhaps you were going for drama, but believe me, having your main character get knocked unconscious at the end of a chapter is very dissatisfying. It's perceived as the coward's way out - as though you've backed yourself into a corner that you don't think yourself capable of getting out of. Add to that the Lunar Spear, a semi-deus ex machina, and the end of this could easily be a text book example of a cliché. Don't take this too hard - the story is salvageable, and easily so. Get rid of the Lunar Spear, and so the info-dump that goes along with it. Leave this until later in the plot, where you should first let the reader know what it is, and then have it actually appear. Also, try to think of a way to end the chapter without resorting to getting knocked unconscious. It shouldn't be too difficult.

As to the piece as a whole: It's clear that you have a problem with continuity, which means that you're going to have to keep reminding yourself of what's going on when. Don't mention vital artefacts/character attributes/etc. when we've heard nothing of them beforehand. Don't rush your writing so - describe your characters' thoughts and feelings, though be subtle about it. 'Luna leapt, desperate to dodge the creature. On landing she slipped, her foot crumpled beneath her, pain flashed through her body as she tried desperately to get out of the monster's grasp'. Again, not particularly good, but you get the idea. Do not write in blocks, like so: Action, thoughts, action, feelings, action... It's clunky and boring. So, take these points in mind, edit your work accordingly and, above all, enjoy it! This has a lot of potential, and with constant revision and editing this could become a very good story.

Oh, and one more thing: space your paragraphs!

-Kyle