Published August 3, 2008
Drink the ocean in one sip
Hold onto my goodbye forever
Call to make sure my feelings haven't had the chance to flip
Look out my window to see a galaxy worth full of new fish
Move the mountains from east to west
To make sure my tip toe step is in arms reach
What a surprise to see you trying your best
Such a smirking brain for such a smart smile
You're drowning me
In a glass box full of rhymes
Didn't you say you'd buy me the sea?
All I got was a pill full of sand.
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141,503 Literary Works • 674,761 Reviews
Wow... Nice.. Even the poem of yours ended the way you want to end it, I can figure out that its not finish and you might probably add something. Overall its nice.
Hey
I was impressed by this poem. It's not perfect, it's not even fully finished in my opinion, but I liked the ideas raised in it. The speaker seemed to be expressing their feelings about a lover? a lover or a friend who was ultimately superior to them in some way- or at least they acted that way and the speaker was left feeling very disappointed. Am I right? I could be off. I like it when a poem doesn't exactly shove a message down your throat, and you kept the message quite hidden in this. So that's why I liked it.
There's some truly nice imagery in this too. I like the metaphor of the sea a lot. The sea, and rivers and waters are used a lot but you somehow made it your own in this.
I would have liked to see some punctuation though. As a suggestion I think you should go back through it and properly punctuate the sentences, for example:
It does however seem to jump from idea to idea a little too much. The poem has a tendency to simple look like row upon row of sentences. Try and develop each concept a little more, so that perhaps you can have one idea per stansa. That way the message will be a little more forceful if you are concentrating more wholly on it and not getting ahead of yourself.
Other than it's roughness, this has a lot of potential. I would recommend leaving this for a while, and come back to it with a fresh mind so you can review if it said all the things you wanted it to say. The title seems a little at odds with the theme, too. But all of this is just my opinion.
I adored the last line by the way:
Keep on writing!
Look out my window to see a galaxy worth full of new fish
This line totally didn't make any sense to me.
Other than that, I didn't notice anything. I like this poem.