Chapter 1
“Ahh! Please Stop” she says screaming in fears. “No you worthless piece of junk.” As he continues to step on her. A bit later He picks her up and puts her in a jar.
“You know you can’t escape will I’m in my meeting.” He says as he’s turning around “I’ll continue later, when I get back.” He walks out the door as the door creaked closed. The tiny girl in the jar falls to her knees. She is hurt so much she can hardly breathe. When a door opened, she put her hands over her ears to block the sound. A little later she took her hands off her ears. In the distance she could hear talking, then a sudden yell
“Over here.” To her shock it was 4 teenagers. One of the boys ran over to her. He took her out the jar and put her on his shoulder “We should go there nothing here.” He says but then to the others stared at him. “Ok, besides her.” He says “But we should go before someone gets back.” Then they all start running on till they are a block away. Then they stop and the boy put her on the ground and says “Who are you?”
“I am a tiny person, and you are?” the tiny girl say with confidence
“I am Taylor. That’s Ellie, Edward and Willow.” Taylor said “Wait what’s your name?”
“I guess I don’t have one.” Tiny girl said.
“You should be....” Taylor said while was cut off
“She should be Yui.” Ellie inputted
“Yui???” Tiny girl said questioning “Yea I will be Yui.”
“Now that you have a name, I have a question, what were you doing there?” She looks at the ground like she’s shy hoping she won’t have to say the unbarring true. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to, you know that right. Anyways where are you going to go now that you’re free?”
Yui looked on the ground. So confused and helpless and said “I don’t know.” Then Ellie, Edward and Willow nodded
“You should go with Taylor. He was the one to rescue you and it seems like you like him the most.” Willow said answering like it was a questing
“Only if you want to.” Taylor said soon after so than it did not sound like she was forced
“Can I?” Yui Said staring up at him
“Yep” he said with a smile. “We should go.”
“Ok.” He puts her on his shoulder. The four start walking. Farther and farther from the please she was abused.”
The two finally get to Taylor's house. He walks up stairs with her. He takes her to his room, and he sets her on the desk table.
“I’ll be right back.” Taylor says looking down at her. She walks around the desk. Then she goes to the edges and looks down to the floor. The distance between the desk and the floor worried her but she just looked away be for she got too scared. Taylor got back soon after with a doll pillow and blanket. she lays on the pillow and he tucks her in. he after goes to his bed and sleeps.
Taylor wakes up then gets up out of his bed. He walks over to see Yui tossing and turning. he taps her side hoping that she will wake up, and she does.”You ok.” he says making sure, she nodded. “You want to talk about it.” Taylor says as he looks down to meet her face. “Is ok if you dont want to.” once again she nodded. they walk down stairs.”Hey Yui what do you eat?”
“I like fruit.”
“Do you want a strawberry?”
“yes, please.” he hands her a strawberry. she seats on the table. and starts to eat the strawberry. As soon as she finished the strawberry the doorbell rings.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, so first the description isn't really realistic you should write a better description so people would read your story and not think its weird or bad. When you said you should go out with Taylor honestly my opinion you should've said You are the one that likes him more. You should have capitalized "Yes,please" because how come you capitalized I and Do but you didn't do it to yes. You spelled some stuff wrong and the punctuations aren't that good but other than that it was amazing. Also you should probably spice it up more. It looks like you were in a hurry to write or you just wanted to make up a story as you went along. Well just know that you should take your time when you write. I wrote my own story its called Mysteriously in Love just check it out I think I could use some help. But like I said over all it was amazing and it seriously needs some updating.
Now the people talking or whatever they call it the dialogue. They talk weird to me on here and they talk about weird stuff. I think you should update that part too also okay thank you for your time.
Let me know if you have any questions or concerns about my review!!!!!
~Chanta
Hello.
So first off, your introduction needs some cleaning up. Dialogue needs to be broken up each time a new person is speaking, and you don't do that. You also have a few capitalization errors right at the beginning, where you've got caps where you shouldn't. At the end, you have lowercase where there should be capitals.
Next up, the dialogue itself. People tend not to speak in proper English all the time, and everybody speaks slightly differently. This article goes into more depth on dialogue. One thing to remember is people all speak in individual ways, so no two people should sound completely the same. They can sound similar, especially if they're close friends, but they still have their own quirks from different backgrounds and personalities.
These little dialogue quirks are great ways to reveal character. Some people are very quiet and barely speak verbally, while others are very loud. Are they reserved, or do they wear their hearts on their sleeves? This impacts how or what people say. Some people speak more with body language, while others reveal quite a lot of information in their syntax. Body language is a very important part of characterization and dialogue, because only 7% of communication is directly verbal. Not to mention, people emote differently depending on their personalities. Some have very quiet, cold anger, while others are loud and snap when angry.
Underlying all of this is motive. People always have a reason for doing things, and this is reflected in every single action they take. Right now, I don't really have any visible reason to what your characters are doing and why, which is compounded by how disconnected and fast this reads. You don't really stop to take in the setting, to draw out tension, to even characterize each person. Going slow is important, especially when you're establishing the scene and reasons we should care.
Overall, this has potential and I like the concept. Your dialogue and characterization were some of the first things I noticed, and I'd work on getting those stronger. Really figure out who each one of these people are and take the time to show it to us. Slowing down to reveal character, how they use body language, and what the environment is can be extremely helpful. It gives us a reason to care, establishes who everyone is, and helps readers figure out what's going on.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Hullo!
So, I only saw minor problems such as spelling and punctuation. Other than that, though, I really love this beginning and can't wait to see where this goes! I love the topic of this. I also love the suspense at the end as well as the very inviting first few lines. It is very originally chosen! But, I only have one question. Is the 'little woman' a fairy/pixie type of character? Anyway, I love that she meets these four boys. I only have one suggestion. Maybe add more details as to her surroundings and what she does and how she does it and what happens, okay? Well, anyway, I liked this! Great job!!
Keep Writing!!,
~Tiff