14 years will never last.
17 have gone so fast.
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live here.
October gone without a trace,
The scars of it on Katry’s face.
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live here.
November is speeding by,
December’s past without a sigh.
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live here.
The sun outside shines happy bright.
Oh, the kiddies, what a sight.
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live here.
The lonely days in the dingy house,
No sound is heard, not even a mouse.
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live here.
Remember when I was young?
Remember me with my flapping tongue?
Let me sleep, mommy.
I don’t wanna live.
Oh, little birdie,
You’re only 12 years old!
But summer’s come and passed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello!
I agree with GeeLyria, you should make some stanzas. I, also was a bit confused with the age, at parts the voice sounds 17, or older and wiser. But at others, it seems like the character is 6 or 7. For example: the "Let me sleep, mommy." part seems like something a 6 year old would say (maybe that's just me).
At first, I really didn't like that you rhymed everything but the two repeating lines. But I think it's ok now. It flowed really well!I really enjoyed the progression of the months and seasons. It worked for this poem. I am not sure about the title. I feel like it doesn't relate to the poem at all.
Okay...
Hi there smellslikespirit...
I'm kind of confused on what age the character is... But that's probably cause I'm about to fall asleep on the keyboard. I guess it's seventeen? Lol. Well, one thing that would really help this poem is making stanzas... click the 'enter' button. I think that would make it easier for readers... especially if they're falling asleep. Lol. But overall, I like how it flowed, it was good.
Keep Writing!
~Solly<3