Before you read this I'd like to note that this was originally written as song lyrics without a tune. I'd also like to say nothing like this has ever happened to me, I just feel passionately about it. So here it is:
Daddy told me not to cry
And it will be alright
Mummy says there's no more dad
But not to be sad
Because it's all gonna be okay
Sister hugged me tight
It will be alright
Brother said it isn't bad
Don't be sad
Because it's all gonna be okay
But when mama cries at night
And dadda picks a fight
What's alright?
When mama makes a scream
And dadda is so mean
Nothing's clean
What's okay?
What's alright?
Just say goodnight
Daddy drank too much again
When will it end?
Mummy told him it's enough
But dadda plays rough
But it's all gonna be okay
I walked into mummy at ten
She said it's the end
I told her it would be tough
Although he's rough
But it's all gonna be okay
But when it's the end of the day
And mamas not safe
What's okay?
When dadda's not sober
The day is over
It's closer
What's all good?
What's all nice?
Just say goodnight
Her face is red, bruises cover her arms
Daddy's drunk again, he's all but calm
He wipes his mouth, walks out the door
I look at mama, she's on the floor
I start to cry, don't know what for
Mama says, "There's no daddy no more,"
What is this world today?
What will everyone say?
Before they say goodnight.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
OMG!!
Ashy-babe this is absolutely awesomely fantastic!
Its really powerful and its deeeppp
You should totally get this recorded or something, you've got the voice for it!
I love it.
Love your darling Georgie XXXX
b-bm b-bm b-bm, is what my heart is doing right now, That last part was sooo intense and i'v e never read anything so shocking on yws. Can i first say that this is the 3rd time I've written this review because i keep accidentally getting out of it so thats how intent i am on telling you this is good.
I misread you introduction so the whole time i was reading it i thought it was a true story. I'm so glad that's its not.
By the way i have also posted a poem on yws that was originally a song without a tune. When i started reading it i thought it sounded more like a song then a poem just because it didn't have the imagery that poetry has, for a great example of what i'm talking about maybe you should refer to Aether by Lil_Pau in Lyric poetry which i also just reviewed. When i think of lyric poetry i think of beautiful things like flowers so for me it didn't really fit into the category but then i'm not a poetry expert. I like the way you used "mama" and "dadda" to make it sound like a nursery rhyme thats gone very wrong. It was very suspenseful, i was leaning closer and closer to the computer screen. So well done!
I agree with TheNewHero. It hits me right in the heart to think of what happens in that poem/song. At first I thought the child's parents were going to divorce and the child would get taken away with one of her parents, crying for the other. But as the poem progresses, it is clear that it will be more serious than that.
I also think there are many questions still to be answered: Did they kill each other? Or does the mother just fall down out of grief and anger?
Altogether, possibly the most emotional piece of literary work I've ever read, which is saying something, as I've read quite a lot of books and poems that are emotional, but none just quite as awesome as this one.
Good job!
BlueRaspberry
*LIKED* This was very deep. There were two points that could've been improved upon:
This wasn't very clear. Who got stabbed? Why did the Mom fall down. Why did she say to stay? Also I think, though this isn't Narrative, her response would be more dynamic. In an event like this, I think a child would take sides.
As far as being lyrical goes, this works for me. Maybe you could change it back to that? Also, this shouldn't be in lyric potetry. It's meant to be in Dramatic. If you tweak it and make it a story-like poem (Which I recommend) you could comfortably succeed in Narrative Poetry.
Well done.
Fly On,
Write On,
Fellow Writer,
TheNewHero.