Firsts

this was a very nice piece of work that you did there but next time just make sure if youre going to use stanzas or not cause it might a little confusing for people to understand if is a poem or a short story other than that i liked it

Great poem just make sure you use stanzas because it makes it out as a poem but I don't mind that to much. It was very melancholy and sad but beautiful. It sort of makes you wanna cry but that's a good thing;). It's a fantastic poem and you have a ton of potential. Please keep writing







~MindBlown

This was a poem???
Where are the stanzas?
I like it a lot but I just felt that
I was reading a short story or something, your grammar and punctuation need some work as well but don't worry we all need to be coached on that including myself.
When you are writing a poem I believe there is a certain format you should follow
How else are we suppose to know that this is a poem?
Like I said I absolutely loved this piece's meaning
Looking forward to seeing more work from you(:

Hold it up. A poem you say? Where are the stanzas? awe. Those poor little stanzas. I agree with Kaylyn, there is no poetic format. Poems are usually written in stanzas with multiple different lines just like she showed you in her review. Don't get me wrong, this poem is great, it is just harder to enjoy without the poetic form.

ouch. The end of the poem could have been a bit stronger, I kind of feel like you left me hanging in the air...with no solid ground. Where am I? I don't understand what you were trying to get at. Yes, there is TONS of emotion...but where is the foundation? Where is the ground? No worries, practice makes perfect.

This was a nice poem, keep on practicing to get where you want these reviews to be! It's up to YOU, the writer, the dreamer, and eventually...the conqueror.
Toodles.

Okie dokie, so there is no format to this poem what-so-ever which can really pull away attention from the actual content, and I'm sure you worked hard on this, so why not show it off. Or in some cases, it might just have been that the submit thingy wasn't really working that well. Allow me to suggest a simple format for you:

You never planned what you did next
You can never plan these things
The first slash across the wrist
The first burn on your hand
The first time you ran out onto the road
I'd thought you'd learned
That the second time you did

It wouldn't be how you'd die
The first time since your birth you went to hospital [I'd reformat and reword this to make it a wee bit shorter]
Twice they didn't keep you there
But you had your first stitches
And your family were so scared [Should be was]
The first time you cried yourself to sleep

The second and the third
The first time you looked into the mirror
And saw only scars
Everywhere on yourself
The first time you knew what to write
When you wrote those poems
About lovely things

The first time you listened to that band
Which made you happy and sad at the same time
The first tear you shed when someone close to you
Died too soon

Your loss of innocence
When did it go?
Was it when you fell in love
with the wrong boy?
Or was it the first time
when all you could feel
Was a never-ending darkness?

You won't know
No one knows what could trigger
Or how you'll die
You're still unsure
Whether it'll be conventional
Or not.

Grammar:
I saw a few grammatical mistakes and pointed them out to you [above], so just fix those. Also, just think of poetry as artfully arranged sentances. Make sure taht you have proper punctuation and capitalization. Seeing how some of this is capitalized led me to believe that you did have it in stanzas, but it messed up. If this is the case, I have found putting a (<br/>) where you want a break does the trick. Of course, take out the ().

Content:
First thing I noticed about your poem is that it jumps off from thought to though and seems a bit...disorganized. Maybe structure it into the "first, second, and third time" this character goes to the hospital. Otherwise it's quite confusing.

Imagery:
You do alot of "tell" instead of "show". Use imagery to your advantage. Metaphors and similes are a great way to do this and interject more emotion into your piece. Just make sure to stay away from common cliches such as "black as night/blood dripping like tears" sort of thing.

I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to help. You'll get better with time. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

This will make wonders if you format it as a poem. But other than that, this is simply cool. Just to the point without any hustle.

Wow, just wow, this is what i love to read. I found it a bit confusing to read though. But it was really really great. Maybe just fix up the formatting?

Your title "First" when I read it I was like 'ahh, yeah, love and things like that.'
But, no, thank goodness, because, this was just amazing. I can really feel the emotion flowing through the lines. I am always looking for that when I read poems.

This subject you have written about is very close to my heart, and you have captured it just perfectly.

"The first slash across the wrist The first burn on your hand" This was perfect, I loved it waay too much. " The first time you listened to that band Which made you happy and sad at the same time" I read this part over and over just nodding because, it is just so true! Then you menchen death, that really pulled at my heart stings. My eyes got a bit blurry, but I guess things like this can just to that to ya... You know?


slytherin7, I just want to thank you so very very much for sharing this great work with us. Please write more c:

~Winter

I like how you've written this. It's always been an opinion of mine that worrying about grammar, spelling etc. can stop you from saying what you really want to say. expressing yourself. It was nice to read something like this, really refreshing, you know?