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Words Kill

by slurringsugars


Taping over your mouth would be better
           Then the words you say that seep out
                    Because when you read their last letter
                                             I will ask you to please count

Count the times they asked you to stop
           Count the times you made them cry
                     See the hate you sent via air-drop
                                  See all the hateful comments that were put in reply

So do not say that you cared
     When they are no longer there
                       Because you were the true reason                                                                                                                                      That the blade was able to ease in

Those words you spit out like bullets DID kill the kid.

They hit them over and over again.

They were right when they said,

"WORDS KILL"


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18 Reviews


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Tue Sep 25, 2018 3:41 am
metrophobia wrote a review...



You've got a good concept for a pretty impactful poem, especially because on a conceptual level, if words can kill, then what power does a poem have? A lot I would think!

Your first three stanzas were neat, I liked that you twisted the alignment and indentation a bit, I think to show a slippery slope, but then we get the last stanza and you sort of lose me.

The all-caps took the drama right out of the piece for me, it's sort of the same effect as ellipses, or blue letters have, I mean, if there's a point, go ahead, but if you're just putting capital letters in for dramatic effect it feels a bit awkward. I also didn't quite get the moral, okay so metaphorically the words killed the kid? Or are we speaking literally? If they literally killed them, then can you explain a bit more?

The poem ends up making me question it's very premise as preposterous, surely the words didn't hold the knife that made the kid die right? I think you need to work on how that figurative link makes sense a bit more and then let the readers in on your reasoning/frame-of-thought. Or else we're just left to guess - and in the worst circumstances, you're reader may even assume this is satirical.

Good premise though, I want to see more of your writing.

-metrophobia
don't fear the poem




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Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:06 pm
Brendah wrote a review...



Yesssss!!! I am beginning to feel that you're a poet therefore iam going to follow you with effect from now. WORDS KILL.

You have a good piece and that voice in poem that tells people to care about what they say is magical, righteous and authoritative. I have learnt to mind about what I say.

You are living a poet's selfless life. Keep the candle burning.
-Brendah-




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Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:39 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there slurringsugars and welcome to YWS!

Overall, I think this poem has a powerful message, and I think it has a strong beginning. I like the image of wanting to tape over the bully's mouth and having them count what they did.

However, I think the rhyme scheme starts to fall apart after the first stanza. The first couplet of the second stanza is strong and has a good meter, but then we get the line "See the hate you sent via air-drop" which is forced. It takes me out of the poem because suddenly I'm trying to figure out what "air-drop" means instead of focusing on the underlying message. The next line is less forced but the wording is a little awkward. Who's replying to whose hateful comments? It kind of sounds like the victim is replying to the bully's hateful comments with more hate, which seems at odds with the message of the poem.

The next stanza switches the rhyme scheme up from abab to aabb. This shift isn't necessarily bad--in fact, one of the most famous structures (the Shakespearean sonnet) employs such a shift to a rhyming couplet at the end. I find the first couplet feels strong and punchy and might in fact make a strong ending for the piece. However, "reason/ease in" feels slightly forced and the lines themselves aren't as strong in comparison to the first two lines.

The last stanza is better, but the rhyming falls apart entirely. Also, I find the all-caps more distracting than anything. Also, there's a lot of repetition of "they", which feels kind of odd when you read it out loud. There might be a more elegant way of expressing this idea, like

Those words you spit out like bullets killed the kid,
hitting them over and over again.
So do not say that you cared
Now that they are no longer there.

Here, I took your stronger couplet from the previous stanza and made it the ending, as well as smoothed out the first two lines.

Overall, I like the strong message and there's some good lines. Keep writing! :D






Thanks for the review!!



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Sun Aug 26, 2018 2:00 am
myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hey there slurringsugars,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.

Taping over your mouth would be better
Then the words you say that seep out I would add a comma here
Because when you read their last letter
I will ask you to please count Add a period

Count the times they asked you to stop
Count the times you made them cry
See the hate you sent via air-drop
See all the hateful comments that were put in reply Compared to the other three lines of this stanza, this one feels off in rhythm and flow. Maybe you could play around with structure and word flow here.

So do not say that you cared
When they are no longer there
Because you were the true reason That the blade was able to ease in That's a pretty impactful line and while I have my own opinions on "blaming someone" based off of what they did to another person, I could see where you are coming from and I think it really works here.

Those words you spit out like bullets DID kill the kid.
They hit them over and over again.
They were right when they said,
"WORDS KILL"






Thanks!



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Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:37 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey Dogs here for a review!

Before I start!

WELCOME TO YWS! I know you'll love it here in this community, and if you have any questions, comments, and/or concerns please let me know and I'll get back to you as soon as I can!

Now let's get on with the review now shall we!

I really liked this poem, it spoke to me.

This poem sums up bullying, and I too have written poems about bullying. It's good to put out awareness to it.

I've been bullied before and I think that's something everyone goes through.

I really like when you start talking about how the bully should count the times they were asked to stop and to count the times they made the victim cry. I got a little teary eyed at the part because you never know how much words actually sink in to people. People believe that kind of stuff, and sooner than you know they are dead because they have killed themselves because of all the hurtful words they say.

I really liked this poem, but there are a couple suggestions I have to tell you for future poems.

1) So I noticed that some of the lines in the poem rhymed, and others didn't, and I think in future poems and works you should make either all the lines rhyme or not rhyme. Rhyming can be hard, but you can always look at https://www.thesaurus.com/ to find different words that mean the same thing to try to find words that rhyme.

2) The flow was a little bit off in a few parts of the poem, so next time you write a poem, go back and re-read it because poems have to have a steady flow kind of like a song having to have a steady tempo!

Well I hope those helped, if you have any questions, do reply or sent me a p.m. and I'll help you to the best of my ability!

Anyway, I really liked this poem, and it really spoke to me, and I believe it will to other readers as well!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs






Thanksssss




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