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The Last Chapter Of Us

by slurringsugars


It's the last chapter.

The last chapter of our book. 

Can't get those hazel eyes away.

I can't help but look.

Just to get lost in your watery gaze.

Now I'm here with the tears forming.

Stuck in my tear ducts, I'm holding them in.

My mind's thoughts just swarming.

Because all of this pain feels just like a wasp's sting.

Let me try to wipe my mascara streaked face.

Let me try to piece myself back together like a puzzle.

Let me try to get around your lies.

Let me try not to feel like a blindsided fool.

In the end, I gave what I could.

Maybe I gave you too much.

* I wrote this after my recent breakup with a guy I had been dating for almost a year, so try to go easy on the reviews. Best wishes! *


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Sat Sep 08, 2018 3:35 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Oh those last two lines hit hard,

In the end, I gave what I could.

Maybe I gave you too much.


that's a tough feeling - and you communicate it well.

I took the meaning of this poem to be a speaker working through all the feelings of loss after a break up. And coming to terms with the end of a relationship.

One thing you really succeeded in this poem with is you made it specific. The poem wasn't about just some general loss or a "sad feeling" but a specific loss of a specific person. This helps me as a reader connect to the poem, and feel more empathetic to the speaker.

You also weave a lot of metaphors in here, but I'm afraid it felt like they weren't really able to develop. By the time I understand the line about wasps, we're already on to the next metaphor. I think I'd try to do less metaphors and really develop the ones that you've got. Give them imagery, build them up, make them unique and weave them together.

One powerful thing you can do in poetry with metaphors is mix them up. If you've got a metaphor about wasp stings and a metaphors about books and last chapters - try mixing the metaphors up, describe a book slamming down crushing a wasp or something. That's just a suggestion, but mainly I'm just trying to say that if you develop your metaphors more and maybe give them a sense of continuity by threading them together some how I think it'll make them stand out more.

Overall there was a lot of emotive language in here, and it came through very clear what sort of emotions were being expressed. Sorry for those feelings of loss that must have inspired this, break-ups can be so tough. But I hope the poetry allowed you to process it some! :)

Best wishes in your writing!

~alliyah

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Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:55 am
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kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is kman134. I'm here to review your work.

This is a really good poem about breakups. they can be hard and take a really long time to get over them if you've worked so hard to build a foundation for your relationship. it's like that song "50 Ways to say Goodbye" by Train. instead of listing the ways he was happy his girlfriend was gone, he lists all the ways she wished she died. that is something we all want from our ex-spouse when it isn't mutual and they're just jerks who deserve all those things.

"My mind's thoughts just swarming.

Because all of this pain feels just like a wasp's sting.

Let me try to wipe my mascara streaked face.

Let me try to piece myself back together like a puzzle.

Let me try to get around your lies.

Let me try not to feel like a blindsided fool.

In the end, I gave what I could.

Maybe I gave you too much."

this was my favorite part. I can tell that you are trying to move on. however, there are times where you see things that remind you of this person and both the good things and bad things that came out of your romance. you tried so hard and you got so far. in the end, it doesn't even matter. I know that sounds like a Linkin' Park song but that's how post-breakups feel like.

Anyways, I really like this. I hope you right more poems.






Awe thanks soo much! Best wishes!



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Thu Sep 06, 2018 7:43 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi slurringsugars! Niteowl here to leave a quick review.

Overall, I think there's some good things in this poem that might be worth playing with in the future. I know I've written emotional pieces that I have no interest in editing, but sometimes there's some gems that I can polish up later when I have some distance from the event.

Because all of this pain feels just like a wasp's sting.


This line could be stronger, but I see potential in the idea of a wasp sting. I'm no wasp expert, but I believe they're parasitic and chew their prey from the inside out, so it's different from say, a bee sting. This might be the scientist in me (I'm a sucker for science poems), but I would totally want to research wasps and take this metaphor to the next level. As for the line itself, I would make it a little more direct, like "You stung me like a wasp".

Let me try to piece myself back together like a puzzle.


This is another idea that I could see being expanded upon if you were so inclined. It makes me think of this article I read a few days ago where this woman spent a year solving a ridiculously huge puzzle and posted it on Reddit, only for someone to spot that one piece was missing. There's certainly a metaphor there for how everything can seem perfect, only for one little thing to be wrong.

Another comment: This poem starts out rhyming but then it stops. There are some good rhymes (I like "forming" and "swarming") but also some that could be better (away/gaze is a fine slant rhyme, but "watery gaze" is a weird image). Personally, I'm usually inclined toward free verse, but I would watch out for keeping a rhyme scheme consistent if you are going to rhyme in future poems.

In the end, I gave what I could.

Maybe I gave you too much.


I like this ending. It's simple and yet quite powerful.

Overall, there's some cool ideas in this poem. Keep writing!






Thank you!! Best wishes.





Thank you!! Best wishes.





Thank you!! Best wishes.





Thank you!! Best wishes.





Thank you!! Best wishes.



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Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:08 pm
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magiccharm2002 wrote a review...



Hello! This was a great poem! Truly wonderful for sure! Also, I actually just went through a very very similer thing about two weeks ago so I understand that feeling. Plus, hey poems written as kind of emotional rants turn out pretty good. If you look at mine there mostly just emotional rants kind of. So, to sum it all up, your not alone and you'll be fine just give it some time and some good friends. Oh! do'nt forget the chocolate!

Over all I would say that it was very successful. Your word choices were very descriptive and allow the reader to get a very clear image of what you experienced. I love how you added details that happened during the event and after it so it's as if your telling us the whole story. Also, in my opinion the emotion could be seen very clearly and is portrayed in such a way that us as readers can easily relate.

Thanks for posting this! I can't wait to read more of your work!






Thanks, I wish you the best!




"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh