Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A country cannot come without men. Therefore the men must die on my shore. I've never known my name but you who seem to know mine flock to my spirit and territory. Everything is lit golden within because my Fenix is The Phoenix of the Irish Scotts. A land that seems it has landed on a silver girls' head. My stem and my seed know nothing without me. So don't try me. I am here; therefore, the Spirit is dead without me. "Trust that this one will go our way Lads." I bellow from the bottom and it reverberates to my Goddess leading the way, Sarai. "A newest army tends to be the sacrifice." I whisper to the ebony man by my side. "Then I must go first," he concedes. "Lead the way." I snark.
I flit over my shoulder at the army behind me. "We're too slow and you know it Lieutenant." He slapped me before I had a moment to brace. A mistake on my behalf. Therefore he'll live for disrespecting the Queen. She's red with slitted green eyes at night. It was his first offense. Therefore his last. He'll love me because I chose to give him a third chance after his second. Jasper Sullivans. A name that seems to go where it is Yearned.
"That was a monetary reaction my queen." He smirks at his third offense which is why he's my favorite. He has had several so I let it slide again because I tend to be the coldest when he's at my side. The Sunshine bleeds at my back glorifying me in orange Gold. Making me chilly and weepy when I'm alone. "Sarg you know I own this army, so why disrespect me in front of it," I spit. I take a minute to wipe the blood from the pouring nostril and sniff. "Because I like you and I forgot our ranks," he chuckles under his breath. None are blacker than his spirit. A truth I chose to save by my Syren habits. He saw it and that's why he puts me in my place before I have a second to flash my canines in front of the Sullys that are capable of execution at my side and to my lungs.
They know I'm able to bleed out in front of our queen, The Red One with green slits for eyes. I know it's all love to make me hurt, so I know I'm human capable of death not dying. A destruction of death to the throne is coming on our backs boyzzz. I hear a chuckle and a gasp to know the spirit is alive and I get to communicate it all through my skull and brain. "STRAIGHT TO THE THRONE." One voice started it and I smirk at the lilt, hoping to know the face since it has always come charging back to me. It's on my time and I hate it.
Their voices bleed out of my ears on to the crisp land of Corkish. A name that was gifted from the Goddess Lilith before the grass had time to grow. "I know you like the little knife, but try to hide it for my sake Ms. Lestranga." I roll my eyes at my maiden name, wishing it out of existence. The ancestors tend to side with us and my friend Lieutenant Sullivans last. Which is why I hate for all, so they may know true peace-dom for my black friend, formerly, Captain Jasper Lee-Anga Sullivans of the piracy, naval ships. All from the truest king Jeycourt. A throne stolen from the Red Queen. All because she wanted regency to Reign for a thousand years.
"You know I hate hurting you, so why do you make me hurt instead Ara," He panders and I feel his guilt knifing him. He had to do it to establish rank. I side eye him for the flirt I gifted accidentally to my Chosen Knight, little knife, knowing I would die without Sullivans nickname, Ara.
Acting is capable in front of an army at your back and your side.
"Because she's making us starve by running, and we missed her next act Lieutenant." I cheese with my canines. He pats my shoulder sanctifying that he really didn't mean it, and I collapse under the sigh that escapes his chest and mine. I climbed my way to the top and they remind me everyday that they don't want another evil woman in power for at least a century. I full blown smile now, knowing I'm free of the trenches and so are they. We play better on foot, on water, and with our kniiiives.
I hear the shuffle behind me and know our men are scared but relaxed with a true king, Jasper, and me in front of them. "We push, so they don't fall on their swords, but hopefully not ours." He taps on his shining forehead reminding me that I don't sweat for them, but he always will. I shiver knowing he's right. Metaphorically and physically we all must die, but not today. I unclasp my dagger, tipping back and forth on the balls of my feet because I'm finally letting my nerves gust to the back to hold us steady.
He claims The Mental and I claim sanity. Another lie, I wish was out in the open for our vets and for our households. I only say truth in the War Room in our collapsable, beige tent for the Night Hours of Planning. The 3. Our little knife that plays and panders with messengers, myself, and Jazz. Our future King for the littlest, Jeycourt to claim after 3,000 years have passed.
"You must catch the middle in order to kill the side snipers." I whisper to my side knowing my little knife will only catch me in this way, lit by the moonlight, until we're done playing war. A wee mighty one, the Spyrt termed as little knife. That way no one would know the crawl behind the run. It's a term I wish to save for his godly face. A term no one is familiar with except us, then Jasper. A future that is desolate without our player king, roguish captain and saint of a Lieutenant. Sullivans. And it was made live tonight through my genius and his wisdom, boys. I dance and box, so don't play with my bleeding, flying future. Or I'll decease every last one of you and yours, mates. I hear the clench of armour and know it's find its' way straight to their minds and straight to their hearts. I unclench my dagger, finally.
"You know snakes strike at knight, Cap." My favorite nickname he gifted me after our Spyrts almost sniped one another. A teethy gasp of a smile starts to blossom on my tender, chilled cheek. A knighting hood all in one. Mr. Sullivans and me, Arabella Celeana Lestranga by his side. A first offense if you don't say the Mr and Ms. That's way our deceased, ancestral gods and goddesses never die. Therefore, our men just take a punching.
Our hidden fleet in a cove, show the upmost respect on land in front of the crowds and behind closed doors. This is why Jasper, our Lieutenant and raging, rogue Captain forced me unwillingly but willfully into stardom. I take because I want the can, all for of our loaned, Aussie soldiers. The army breathing down our necks to kill the innocents at my back. It makes sense why they came crawling on their bellies to me, secondly.
"A sargeant made for kingdom-hood." My naval knife whispers to my right under the eclipsing moon, showing that his wisdom has again reached me in time for a fight like the ones before. I almost collapse in a gust of starvation and relief.
He'll always be ready to live, Lilith, my war goddess, reminds me. That's why I wake with terror in my belly ready to knife at all hours. Their aim is to wake the spirits at my name. A dangerous game, I don't take part in or know of. Because The Red always has her knives aimed at my jugular. That is why Jasper Sullivans is only loyal to me and my own. A Spyrt that called and died for the others to wake angrily and gruesomely. I bloom a smile at my goddess's wisdom and play, knowing she'll win the match.
"For those that have been tortured by their own mental and the plays of other men." I whip and scream at the blood-thirsty army behind my back. Silence reverberates before my spirit can scream at the Goddess above. THEY MUST DIE she screams back. I grin at them now, knowing I've won their peace.
I feel the push wanting to bleed my silt into the land and pause knowing I don't want to die just because a peace-player, the girl who whispered the words aloud in the daytime, a forbidden taking from my Spyrt, God, is too cowardly to admit she doesn't want to die ever. I'm a God girl first that never dies. I remind Lilith. I don't want to die for the day, but she doesn't want to die for the year.
Before I have a minute to spy her from the top of my cursed sapphire and gleaming ruby diadem, the girl gasps, holding her breath, knowing I have spotted, Lilith the goddess in 'pick me' tried to true form through the crowd in seconds.
The pirate Captain stuck beside me rages with laughter and a joke aloud. "How DARE you question the Jewels beyond our SWEET, Celanea's head." My real name that only comes out when my slitting one, Arabella, is questioned, undeservingly. Instead of slitting her throat in front of all, I pause at the fadeful auburn hair with laughter because Jazz just sent an image of him mocking the pony up girl with a whooping behind. I sigh with a pleasant knifing of a breath.
"Ahhh, a disrespect to us both. Kill her. In your own way, of course, boys." I signal to the army tip-toeing at my back. "REMEMBER," Sullivans shouts out, reigning in their terrible, traumatic and traumatizing bloodlust on no behalf, except the Spyrt's. "SHE'S YOURS BUT SHOW HER YOUR HUMOR AND HUMILITY BEFORE WE, AT THE THREE, KILL YOU ALL ON YOUR BESTING NIGHTS YOU SLOUGHS." I grin knowing he always knows the way forward and backward, meaning all three of us are safe tonight. Physically speaking.
"It's time." I signal only to Jazz. He sighs and pats my back. "The bluest of silver and the bronze are in your eyes, King, but the taken Gold is my 'sloughness." He signals back with air quotations and the nickname they gave me. I smirk, trying to dilute the smile. "I'm ready and so are we." I channel from the Spyrt. Bleeding blood is now on my territory, Cork.
"TO THE COAST BUT IN FRONT OF THE BOYS AND GIRLS!" They charge before my future King, Jasper has a second to yell his gusto. "Ahead, leave a pocket of air just for us." he signals to his trotting, foot soldiers. Blooding peace may come if the snipes, the serial killing children, have already stolen. "SAVE FIRST" I scream. "And kill last, boys." I wink to the blackened, jogging spirit by my side, the Big Knife. "Our Lunar New Year, the Rat, has come early Peace." I channel to Jasper mentally, a signal he knows that his Ebony God, and ours, Spyrt is with him and us. He charges ahead, knowing now that he won't die and neither will I. This is why I'm God's gift to this green earth, The Telegrapher, so others may live without trauma and accidentally, besotted killing. You're not forgiven by God. Except you, Arabella Celeana Lestranga and Jazz. Therefore, you're little knight and knife kills for you and us, Ara. I smile now, knowing, I am protected beyond doubt. Our God come to save us.
The darkest knight and the night is for us, so you may have your dreams of peace, little one. It's the little knife now talking through God, showing me that he's mine and his alone. The Chinese are here. Come to win. I'll find the bombs before they find me, so now I must and may play with you all. This match and the next is for those that believe in not killing for fun. Spyrt knows now that I'm not for Lilith, but I own her, instead.
See me in the next chapter, boys.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
I am curious to know about my own work if the Red Queen with slitted green eyes is Celanea's cat or if it's a transformative Phoenix. I'm guessing Yearned is a power of the household wives to leash men to their captivity. I know now that Sunshine is power built within after anger strikes against a silver haired girl's wisdom. Celaena must be a starved, 'fit' infantry soldier from the Celtics that earned her way during Australia's civil war.
Hello!
This is a very dramatic opening and it immediately gives me a sense of war and sacrifice, but I don't quite understand the logic connecting the two sentences. A country needing men would seem to suggest that the men must live rather than die, so I think you need to explain what she means by this or slightly reword it. Is she saying that a country cannot be conquered without soldiers dying? Or that the men must sacrifice themselves to create her country?
I had to read this a few times. I think the idea is that she doesn't understand her own identity but other people recognise her name and follow her because of it, which is interesting, but the sentence is doing too much at once.
I'm unsure whether Fenix is a name, a deliberate alternate spelling or meant to be "phoenix." Irish Scotts should probably be "Irish Scots," unless Scotts is the name of a particular family or group in your world. There are quite a lot of capitalised words throughout the story and I think you need to decide which ones are genuine titles or names. At the moment things like Spirit, Goddess, Phoenix, Sunshine, Mental, Gold and Red are capitalised so frequently that the capital letters begin to lose their impact.
You can't really "flit" over your shoulder. Her gaze could flit towards the army or she could glance over her shoulder. This section also switches from present tense to past tense when the lieutenant "slapped" her, then returns to present tense with "he'll live." The tense changes happen throughout the story and make it difficult to know whether she is describing events as they happen or remembering them afterwards.
I find the hierarchy confusing here. She seems to be the queen because she later calls the army hers and he addresses her as "my queen," but she also talks about another figure called the Red Queen. It isn't clear whether Arabella is literally a queen, playing the role of one, acting as a commander beneath another queen or speaking metaphorically. I think it would help to establish everyone's ranks quite clearly near the beginning because there are queens, kings, captains, lieutenants, sergeants, goddesses and knights all introduced very quickly.
Also, "a mistake on my behalf" means that someone made a mistake for her benefit. I think you mean "a mistake on my part."
The use of "boyzzz," "kniiiives" and phrases like "pick me" gives parts of the narration a very modern, internet-influenced voice. That can work if Arabella is supposed to sound playful and contemporary, but it clashes with the language about ancestral gods, regency, thrones and goddesses. At the moment the style moves between epic fantasy, stream of consciousness and casual online speech. I think you need to decide whether that contrast is a deliberate part of her voice or whether the overall tone should be more consistent.
I couldn't work out what this means. There may be several typing errors in the sentence. The mention of Aussie soldiers also stands out because it connects the fantasy setting to the real world quite suddenly. If Ireland, Scotland, China and Australia all exist in this world, it would be useful to establish whether this is an alternate version of Earth rather than a completely invented fantasy world.
This arrives very abruptly at the end and refers to a whole nationality as though they are a single threatening force. I think you should identify the specific faction, kingdom, fleet or army involved rather than simply calling them "the Chinese." That would also give the conflict more personality and prevent a real group of people from being reduced to faceless enemies.
***
This has a very intense voice, and I know there's no shortage of imagination here. Arabella feels like someone whose thoughts move quickly. There are some striking recurring ideas, particularly the knives, the colours, her fear of death and the complicated loyalty between her and Jasper. I also like the possibility that she's presenting herself as a terrifying, godlike leader while privately relying on Jasper to steady her.
The main problem is that almost every sentence introduces a new idea before the previous one has been explained. I get several rulers, military ranks, gods, invented terms, nationalities, magical abilities, nicknames and changes in allegiance in a very short space. Because of that, I spent most of the chapter trying to work out the basic situation rather than becoming invested in the battle. I think you need to slow everything down and decide what the reader absolutely needs to understand in this first scene. At minimum, we need to know who Arabella is, who Jasper is, who they are fighting, where they are and what they want to achieve.
I would also suggest going through the piece carefully for sentence structure, tense and word choice. There are a lot of places where I can almost understand what you mean but a wrong word or missing connection stops me. Reading it aloud might help because you'll hear where the sentences run on, change direction or leave an idea unfinished.
Thanks for sharing, though. Cheers!
Lipton
So this has been in the Green Room for a while and I’m kinda sure I am not the intended audience… but there’s nothing wrong with looking at the writing style to see if you can accomplish your goals anyway? 😊
My first writing tip is about paragraphing: It is much easier to follow your narration if each speaker and their dialogue gets their own paragraph.
Your beginning is kinda ethereal with the narrator sounding more like a place than a person (a place with a major religion I think? Given that they have the goddess Sarai to lead their way?) and the dialogue kinda hurts this beginning if it exists in the same paragraph? It feels like there is a clear break between the descriptions the narrator makes of themselves and then ppl speaking?
Hm maybe the narrator is not a place… but a person/ruler so entitled they believe their country is THEM?
Okay… maybe the narration is a bit more complicated than that, will read more…
It feels as if two beings are narrating at the same time, some grand … ethereal thing and a person literally interacting with the army…
Bc earlier you say the narrator doesn’t know their name and now they scoff at the mention of their maiden name?
I do love some of the phrasings: “Their voices bleed out of my ears on to the crisp land” and “I'm finally letting my nerves gust to the back to hold us steady.”
Maybe the potentially not-evil woman leader narrator has magical powers over the land, where she actually does feel like she is the land, like the land and the person are one…
…oh my, why..,, It took me forever to get that the narrator is an actual queen, that she is much better than the Red Queen that (potentially?) came before her because she doesn’t kill ppl for first offences among other things! Ahhh that was so hard to understand qq And right in the second paragraph too! (I really don’t like that he slaps her, idk why you made him do that, even if it is an effective tool to show that she is different from the Red Queen it’s just… unnecessary violence and disrespect?)
The narration left me very confused. It felt like I was dropped right in the middle of something that needed way more chapters to explain…. But I checked and there are no other chapters…? I mean there is a second chapter… but nothing that comes before this right?
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