More coming!
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I think Perforated Hearts has covered most of the major points, so I'll just give you an overview of what I think.
IMHO you're focusing to much on the wrong things. You keep telling us what Nancy did (as in, every move she makes - got up early, dressed, showered, got the car out, put it in drive, etc.) instead of how and when and where and why she did it. So, instead of saying "Nancy got up early, showered, dressed, and so on" you could say, "Nancy woke with the birds that morning. When she opened her eyes, her room was filled with soft dawn light and her alarm clock read 5:49am. Groaning, she sat up and looked around her spacious bedroom. She still couldnt believe that she owned such a beautiful house..."
Therefore, it might be a good idea to keep a couple of things in mind as you write:
1. Ask yourself questions, especially the 5 W's (Who, What, When, Where, Why) and H (How). This will help you build up a picture of what's happening in the story.
2. We have 5 senses. Use them. Tell us Nancy winced at the sharpness of the orange juice she poured for herself, or wrinkled her nose at the sour milk she'd left on the counter last night, and so on. Use these to build her character and her environment.
3. Only include those details which are useful to the story. You dont have to tell us she opened the door and got int he car unless it is relevant in some way.
4. DESCRIBE! Without description, a story is like a silent, black-and-white movie that is out of focus. We cant connect with the characters or become entangled in the plot if we cant imagine the scene in our heads!
Otherwise, though, this is an interesting beginning and I will look forward to seeing what happens next. Are there gonna be real vampires?! **has visions of Nancy Drew as one of the undead** LOL...I never did like her that much I guess XD
Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
I just want to say, in advance, for you to forgive my bluntness.
One thing you really need to work on is grammatical errors. See here:
There should be a comma before morning and showered.
You've got the comma right between "no" and "during", but you forgot it in a place that needs it more: between "Charelston" and "South Carolina". And I'm still assuming that "Charelston" is the exact name of the town.
And various other places. Insert this in Microsoft Word, and it should point out more grammatical errors for you.
A nod for you keeping Nancy Drew in her character. It's a tricky business, writing a story based off of a story (or a series, rather), so it's good for you to keep Drew's personality in check, so as to not confuse your reader.
However, when I glanced through this story, all I saw was just the 'skin and bones'. Where are the details?
Such as:
How early did she get up? Was it a hot shower? What clothes did she put on? Did she burn the breakfast? What breakfast did she cook?
See how many questions I can generate from here? SHOWING, not just TELLING is extremely important. Your reader usually has a vivid imagination, but not so vivid that you can just Mad-Lib this story.
This confuses me. First of all, you're supposed to be an omnipresent character, yet detached of emotions, then you address the reader by saying "You see at twenty four...". Why are you talking to us now? By doing so, you're shifting the attention of the reader, you're hogging the story. Keep it to a God-type-POV, or just change everything to a more friendlier, narrative type.
See? You're doing it again. You're talking to the reader. You don't have to put "No, during the summer..." since we get it.
Any details for us? Why don't you add some more details for us, such as maybe suggesting that the house was old, or new, if it had any plants, say so, or if it had anything distinguishing about it.
Who exactly is he? Is he popular? Is he hated? Describe for us.
So far into the story, you're doing a great job of 'tell' more than 'show'. It seems almost very unrealistic for practical-minded Nancy Drew to just look at a house, stumble inside, and clasp her hands together in awe and beg the realtor for it. Why did she like it so much? What made her want to buy it so badly?
And that's when she starts slipping out of character.
Clarify this, please. Did she "manualy" (which should really be "manually") open the garage door, or the car door? Because if she opened the car door manually, well, let's hope so or this would be a sci-fi.
Overall, I think you need to really develop your own style (as in, how you tell the story) and voice (which is pretty close to style except it's more of an inner-sort of thing, or you can see it as exactly as it is: how you talk to the reader, your usual language). One thing you should also do is run this story as well as any future parts through Microsoft Word so you won't distract your readers from the original story.
PM me if you have any questions.
Again, I apologize if I have affended you or been overly blunt/harsh.
--Serena <333
I'm a guy, so I don't ND books, but this is real good. I liked it!
I have always hated Nancy Drew stories, but I liked this one. It was differant then the real books. I want to hear more. Keep up the good work.
-- M.B.Author
really good. Can't wait to see the rest of the story.