I think Perforated Hearts has covered most of the major points, so I'll just give you an overview of what I think.
IMHO you're focusing to much on the wrong things. You keep telling us what Nancy did (as in, every move she makes - got up early, dressed, showered, got the car out, put it in drive, etc.) instead of how and when and where and why she did it. So, instead of saying "Nancy got up early, showered, dressed, and so on" you could say, "Nancy woke with the birds that morning. When she opened her eyes, her room was filled with soft dawn light and her alarm clock read 5:49am. Groaning, she sat up and looked around her spacious bedroom. She still couldnt believe that she owned such a beautiful house..."
Therefore, it might be a good idea to keep a couple of things in mind as you write:
1. Ask yourself questions, especially the 5 W's (Who, What, When, Where, Why) and H (How). This will help you build up a picture of what's happening in the story.
2. We have 5 senses. Use them. Tell us Nancy winced at the sharpness of the orange juice she poured for herself, or wrinkled her nose at the sour milk she'd left on the counter last night, and so on. Use these to build her character and her environment.
3. Only include those details which are useful to the story. You dont have to tell us she opened the door and got int he car unless it is relevant in some way.
4. DESCRIBE! Without description, a story is like a silent, black-and-white movie that is out of focus. We cant connect with the characters or become entangled in the plot if we cant imagine the scene in our heads!
Otherwise, though, this is an interesting beginning and I will look forward to seeing what happens next. Are there gonna be real vampires?! **has visions of Nancy Drew as one of the undead** LOL...I never did like her that much I guess XD
Keep writing!
Cheers,
~bubbles
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