Published September 9, 2011
The short version of this story. An entry for jaetwee's contest The Beginning of the End. 250 words maximum, ending with the same word you began with. I wrote the long version and shaved it down to this. Rating is for violence.
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“End it.” He coughed, blood spewing from his lips to drip from his chin. He glared at the barrel of the gun, a black hole directed levelly between his eyes.
It had been a pleasant date. They were having a very amusing conversation when he'd made the mistake of bending over to pick up a fallen fork.
She saw the tattoo. She knew he was there to kill her.
That's when she slashed her dinner knife across his face.
“End it,” he repeated, spitting out a tooth onto the linoleum, where it landed with a cheerful clink. “Do it, Kait. You'll feel better when you're scraping my brains off your cupboards.”
Kait didn't flinch.
She was beautiful, even with the muddy brown black eye he'd given her, even with the stream of blood snaking from under her lovely hair. Even with her lips split down the middle from when he'd pressed his hand over her mouth to keep her from alerting the neighbors.
“I love you, Kaity,” he croaked feebly.
“You've told me that before, S. I didn't believe you before. And I don't believe you now.”
His senses shorted out after the gun blast. Fire blazed through his side; the bullet ripped through his abdomen, shattering two ribs before piercing a kidney, then getting lodged in his back muscles. He hadn't even realized Kait had lowered the gun until he toppled to the floor. His vision blurred and he thought, What a fantastic end.
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138,271 Literary Works • 672,094 Reviews
First of all, I'd just like to see that I liked this piece a lot. I thoroughly enjoy flash fiction.
Anyway, as a previous reviewer said, the way you started the story off with the "end it" was superb, really. It captured my attention instantly and the promise of violence/drama kept me in till the end. The only thing that really confused me was when love was brought into the picture. The way you told of her noticing the tattoo made it seem to me like she was on a date with an unfamiliar man, but I suppose someone she knew previously could have acquired the tattoo since the last time they had seen each other? I don't know, I hope I didn't confuse you with that! But all in all, an incredibly interesting and enjoyable story.
I wish you the best of luck in the contest.
~Venom
I really like stories with violence with in them and this did meet my expectations. Nice description with what was going on and all the detail. I never could've put that much detail into something like this. Very well done!
Wow! From the first description of blood pouring down his face, you had me hooked! The simple, yet brutal depiction of this scene was near flawless. You were so detailed with the final gunshot in his stomach that I cringed! Well done!
Hi there!
I really like you're opening. It's great how you started out with S telling Kait top end it. Once you said that, the reader was pulled in. They're thinking, who is this person? What's going on? I personally though that he was telling his friend to kill someone else or something. But no, he was asking his "date" to kill him. I like the little mini twist in there. Well, maybe I was the only one who saw it like that.
Anyway, your description is wonderful, especially the last paragraph. You did a great job describing bullet's course as it ran through his body. Some people would just simply write, The bullet tore through him and his vision became fuzzy. (I'm guilty of that) But you went way more in depth and told us exactly where the bullet went. And just like Cindy said above me, I could see this in my head the whole time I was reading it.
Overall this is really great. Keep writing!
Wow I totally saw this play out in my mind! Great job! I wanna read the long version now! Kait sounds like a tough girl!