dear heart, it's summer
and green in the garden
the rose stem hangs (drooping, and darling, why is that?)
from between Your grimace
petals (velvet never knew Your lips)
the violence of blood
envies the virginal white (You disagree and turn away)
pinched between My fingers
and though My poetry
lacks tact (amongst other things, sweetheat, You know)
real writers ink their fingers and scowl
at My heartfelt blunder (cummings never had it so good)
i would brighten this world with Your crooked teeth
and let the Important People work (let them die making coffins)
while You remind me that i am
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, sleepthief! So, I think this has potential. Unfortunately, you've drowned this out so much in trying to achieve a specific tone/style that it doesn't quite work.
First off, the capitalization meant to stress or make "You" and "Me" religious or whatever feels overdone; I would consider taking that out because it's a bit too obvious. If you want that tone, use your language for it rather than the capitalization and make it experience it for ourselves.
Second off, the stylistic parentheses. This, while it may want to feel secretive or subdued, just comes across as if you were interrupting yourself every other line. I think that while you can definitely incorporate this kind of punctuation occasionally, doing it this often makes you wonder which parts of the poem are redundant. If something is important, then develop it in the poem as well. If it's a loose end you're not sure about, take it out.
Third: punctuation in general. I think that this would benefit hugely if you were to consider some more punctuation, especially after removing the parenthetical clauses. Punctuation, especially if punctuated in the manner that you would prose, is extremely helpful to the reader in figuring out how YOU want YOUR poem to be read, with what rhythm, where to pause, where to place emphasis... it's an extremely important part of poetry.
Fourth: phrasing. You have some awkwardly phrased parts. You often say things like this:
and I can't for the life of me figure out why. You already have the subject defined: the violence of blood. Why reiterate that subject in the next line? Poetry flows into itself, that's one of the beautiful things about it. Don't clunk it down with unnecessary words, especially ones as unnecessary as this. Let your words go into each other a bit more, meld the lines, and I think that it will sound/look/be much nicer all around.
Overall, nice beginning. Try playing with some concepts, some more figurative language and develop your images and themes, and I think you have a good start. Let me know if you have any questions or are curious about anything I said.
I like it! It is unique and beautiful
I usually do not prefer happy and flowery poetry but this poem made me smile. 
Great job! Thank you! Good luck!!
Heylloo~
That was some nice poetry writing!
I havn't got anything much to say except put you "i"s captial!
Other than that~
WELL DONE !