Published August 4, 2010
Love
What is the meaning of love?
Is it a simple word?
Or does it mean more than that?
I don’t know, do you?
But when I said
"I love you"
You said so do I ?
I took it how you gave it.
Since then I enjoyed it,
Wanting more and more.
It was the air I needed
The light of my life
A way to escape
Sorrow and sadness.
I waited for your calls,
You had to call me
But never did,never will.
I Missed you everyday
You were always on my mind
Then you left me
I 'm broken hearted
Trying to close
What had been opened
Trying to reassemble
What had been damaged.
How can I survive
Without your affection ?
How can I move on
With this hole in my heart?
I cried, but I realized
The only one who worth
My desperate tears
Would never make me cry.
So I moved on,
And waited for Him.
The sweetest ever
and selfless lover.
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First of all, you should probably organize this poem into stanzas because it looks a bit messy right now. Unless, of course, you are trying to relate the messiness of the girl's poem to the girl's emotions, you should leave it the way it is. But, you should make it more clear of how the girl is a heart-broken mess if you want to do that.
The way you portrayed the girl in the poem is very different from what you told us. She doesn't seem selfish at all, just heartbroken, like she says she is...
Also, you use the word "you" to refer to her ex-boyfriend. Does that mean she's talking TO her ex-boyfriend?
Comments/Corrections are in bold.
OVERALL: You really need to improve the grammar in your poem and try to fit the lines together. Some of the lines in here are way too random and seem to have nothing to do with the rest of the poem. Work on the interpretation of your poem, as well. If you want it to be about a selfish girl, you're gonna have to change a bit of the poem to make it seem that way. Another thing I didn't like too much was the middle section, where the girl went on and on about how important her ex-boyfriend was to her and how much she loved him. It gives us the sense that she's really not over him and therefore, when we come to the end, where she describes the perfect man that she's waiting for, we get confused.
Besides all this, I liked the way you told a story in your poem.
PM me if you have any questions...
-Ace
I think that the first mistake you made was when you told us your interpretation of the poem. If I had just read it normally, I wouldn't have seen the girl as selfish, just heart broken. You have some grammar mistakes but they aren't anything serious-just capitalization. This part annoyed me:
'My bestest Baby
Making me happy
leaving happily'
1. Bestest isn't a word.
2. The baby at the end is capitalized; it shouldn't be.
3. The baby sounds awkward, kind of like how a mother would see her child, not a bf/gf relationship.
4. You say happy twice in two sentences. It sounds ehh, weird. :p
I actually really liked this, you told a story but still made it poetic.
~Jas
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