It was as the sun rose as I saw it for the very first time. I looked at the gap in front of me and thought of a way to traverse it. Hi I’m Connor and I’m 18. My elders have asked me to meet them at the top of the biggest building in Boston. I’m about a third of the way up it and I have no idea what I’m going to do next. There is a huge gap in the edge of the building and there’s no way I can propel myself up that far. I climb back down a few meters and take a look at my surroundings. I notice to the right of me there is a very stable pole I could swing off and catch onto the ledge.
As I’m running up I say a quick prayer to the gods and jump, my hands slip and I fall at least 20 meters and land in a bale of hay being carried by a horse. I look to the sky and thank the gods as I jump out and run back to building. The doors are locked as it is midnight. As I glance up I see the moon and realise I have only an hour to climb this abyssal building. My feet propel me further, with years of climbing trees to hide from soldiers to make my legs strong. I see the wall and without hesitation I jump and use the force of my feet to run me up the wall. I grab the ledge and pull myself up and notice that there is a guard on the other side of the building. If he sees me he will shoot me on sight. I have this strange feeling in my go and I think it might be blood lust. I stealthily creep up behind him and think how I am going to do this. I look to my side and see the sharp rock I use for hunting, but that will be too messy. I see the blade of his bayonet glint in the moonlight and realise what I’m going to do.
I move up behind him and take a silent breath as I prepare myself. I sweep my legs out in a wide arc motion and kick his legs out from underneath him. He is caught in surprise and drops his gun to slow his fall off the building; I grab the gun as its falling and plunge it deep into his cheat before he has a chance to cry for help. His last breathe gurgled in his throat as he lays still. I release the grip on the weapon and step back. His blood flows off the building slowly and drips to the ground below. I feel bad for him, he might have had a family, and children, then I think that it was these men who took my mother and fathers lives from me when I was only a boy, how they had set fire to our camp and taken my sister along with all the other little women as slaves. I was full of rage and kicked his lifeless body off the building and watched it break as it fell and hit the ground. As I turned I saw another guard and thought about shooting him. I changed my mind after realising that it would be much too loud, so he would live, this time. I mentally took an image of his face to remember it later and turned back to the building to climb again. As I was climbing I began to realise that it was getting increasingly cold. Must be how high I am I thought as my hands started to get numb. I must be more careful, and just as I thought that my right hand slipped on a piece of black ice on the side of the building. I swore under my breath as I realised I could have just died.
I look up above me and see the top not too far away. I used my legs to propel me up to the top and slid over the edge and stood up. I saw one of my elders there and walked up to him. I bowed low and said in a clear voice, “I am Connor, only son of red fox and the last of my kin. I have come here at the request of you, my elder, for which I am still uncertain”.
My elder turned to me and said slowly in a deep gravelly voice, “Connor, you have been chosen as the last of your kin to be a representative of the assassin’s creed. This creed has been around for many centuries and has grown stronger and stronger over the years. Its maker and great lord, al tair, made us who we are today. Over time we have upgraded to better weapons and skills, but if it was not for him, we would not be here”. He reached into his clock and pulled out what looked like a golden apple. “This Connor, is the fabled apple of Eden, its powers”
“Wait wait wait! I exclaimed how is this the apple of Eden? That was lost many centuries ago with Ezio auditore da Firenze!”
“I will let that comment slip, but if you interrupt me again I will send you back to your life in the mountains and you will never ever become an assassin in your life!”
“I am sorry”, I mumbled as I looked down at my feet.
“Now as I was saying, this apples power is not rivalled by any other, yes it was kept by the famous Ezio, but also he, was a great assassins, his skills rivalling almost to al tair”. I felt a question rising in my throat but quickly swallowed it, knowing surely that all my questions would soon be answered. “This apple was given to Ezio by his uncle Mario in the 16th century and was kept in the Auditore family until half way through the 17th century when it was lost in the Great War. It was found again recently and was brought to us by an archaeologist who was never seen again”. The gleam in his eye put a shiver down my spine as I realised he had him killed. “When the time comes and we pass on into the sky, this will be given to you and it will be up to you to protect it. Now the question I have for you is, do you accept this responsibility knowing this will be yours?
“Yes, I accept, I will become a part of the creed, the only question I have is, what do I need to do to become one of you?
“You are very smart Connor that will be a useful skill to you as you journey through the life of the assassin. You will need to assassinate a very high ranking leader of the Templers, and bring me his blood on a cloth. When that is complete you will be in the assassin’s creed. Now get to it. I will wait here for you. If you do not return by tomorrow morning I will leave and your chance will be gone”. I bow deeply and say clearly “it will be done oh master”. He leads me to the edge of the building and nod at the edge and the water below it. I take a deep breath and jump. My body twists and I perform a perfect dive into the water and surface next to something metal. I pick it up and it appears to be a blade.
As I’m readying for my kill, I check to make sure all my weapons are ready. My sword is in its scabbard, my dagger is in easy reach at my side, and my new weapon, which is a hidden blade, is tied around my wrist. I press it to my side and see the blade slide out with a sound of metal on leather. Big enough too easily drive straight through a man’s body, the hidden blade is the most common and favourite weapons of the assassins. I breathe long and deep and say another prayer to the gods.
As I step out my door I hear a noise from behind and whip around quickly pressing the blade to my side again. I see a shadow disappear and see something on the table. I walk slowly over to it still on my guard for something to happen. I see a note and pick it up. It says in neat scrawl “this should help, anonymous”. I open up the package and see a small vial of green liquid. “Poison”, I say under my breath and put it in a pouch at my belt. I walk out the door and head to where I am to go quickly, taking to the rooftops. As I jump from roof to roof I get to thinking who that mysterious person was and why they wanted to help me. Furthermore how did they know about my mission in the first place? I slow down as I reach my targets house. I wait outside silently and watch my target like a hawk. I study his movements and how affective his armour is and he puts it on. I realise that there is a small spot just under his chest plate where a gap opens up to connect to his leggings. I take a mental picture of that as I notice him walk out of his and I jump from my ledge and land on the ground lightly performing a roll into a pile of hay to keep out of sight. I peek my eyes through the bale and see my target moving down the street.
I wait a while and slip out of the hay to follow him at a distance. I take to the rooftops and notice he is heading into the town square. I curse under my breath as I realise I will never get a chance to kill him if he goes into there. I run ahead of him and jump off the buildings. I grab the poison out of my belt and apply it to my blades. I see him and keep my head low, getting ready for the kill.
I see where I will hit him and keep moving towards him. As I draw level to him he starts to get suspicious and is about to call for the guards. I start to run and graze his skin to draw blood with my blade and run up the side of a building before he can see me. I look down on him and see him clutching his side and shaking his head. “C’mon c’mon work c’mon die already you templar piece of shit” I say under my breath as I wait for it to take effect. His stride starts to falter and I breathe out a great sigh of relief and my eyes find him again. He is stumbling around yelling random words and swinging his sword at random things that aren’t there. Guards surrounded him and all get wounded as he swings his sword in wide murderous arcs.
I start laughing with happiness as I see him sink to the ground and become still.
It is after he is dead that I realise I have to get his blood. I stand up and let out a string of swear words under my breath as I think about how I will get his blood. I could go down and pretend to be a doctor. But that would never work, doctors don’t carry swords and I’m not going to leave my sword lying around somewhere it was given to me by my dad before he was murdered. I see the guards pick up his body and realise they are taking him to the ocean to give him a quick funeral. I follow them and again pull out my hidden blade. I realise that this won’t work as I won’t get close enough to kill them both.
I pull out my dagger instead and pull my arm back. I take a small intake of breath as to steady my shot and throw. The man on the right is struck in the right calf and goes down screaming. It worked just as I planned. The other man dropped the body and started freaking out. I pounced off the building and sunk the hidden blade into his throat. I felt the hot blood spray up onto me and whisper “that was from my father” as he fell silent and still. I turned to the other and was filled with hatred for these pathetic people. I twist the blade in his leg and watch him scream in pain and agony. “Beg you useless piece of shit! I scream in his face and hear his cries. “Louder! I scream and twist the blade again. He screams louder and I rip the dagger out of his leg and pull him up to stand. He starts to hobble away and I pull out my sword. He hears the ring of metal and turns just as I plunge the blade deep into his body. I lean close and feel his blood running off the sword onto my hand and whisper in his ear. That was for my mother. His blood gurgles in his throat and he slumps onto the sword. I walk over to the general and take out the cloth. I rip it into three pieces and get blood from all three of the body’s and kick them all into the ocean and watch them sink below the surface.
I walk slowly back to the house I was taking refuge in and see my elder sitting on the bed. “How... when did you get here? I ask with a look of confusion in my face. He turns to me and sees my blood soaked body. “You have done well Connor. Hand me the cloth and I shall perform the ceremony and abduct you into the creed. I reach into my pouch and pull out the three strips of cloth. His eyes widen as he sees the other two pieces. “More than one kill, I am impressed Connor. You will be a great assassin one day, I can see it. Just like your father”.
“What! “My father was a great assassin! “How can this be?
“All your questions will be answered in good time, but for now I believe you want to become and assassin”
“More than anything”, I say in a clear voice and hand him the cloth. He takes it and leads me into the living room where the fire is burning brightly and a ring on in the claws of something I’m not sure. “Hold out your hand”. I shiver as I realise what he is going to do. I hold out my hand and realise it is shaking. He looks at me and says, “This will hurt a lot, you have great reason to be afraid”, and lowers the ring onto my hand. I feel it burning my flesh, melting and moulding onto the flesh of my hand. I scream with pain and the elder releases the ring and it is stuck on my hand. Always there.
He turns to me and says in a clear voice. “Nothing is real, everything is permitted, and these are the words of our creed. You have proven worthy and shall live by these words. Our rules stand us such. You must not kill civilians. You must obey the code. The code is law”. I bow low and say back, “I will live by these words and they will become a part of my everyday life.” He nods and reaches into his coat and pulls out a belt. On it is an array of knives, a new dagger, and a steel tomahawk. He hands these to me with these words. “These are your weapons. Treat them well and they will serve you well. Now go forth and journey. When I pass on a messenger will find you with the apple. Goodbye Connor. Live well. Stay by the creed”. I look up to say something but he is already gone. I clip the belt around my waist and step out my door. I am Connor, and I am one of the greatest assassins ever to live.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hey man,
I apologize for being late. Hope you didn't mind.
Okay, So the main problem ( I think) here is: you. Yes, you. You have to calm down. Because you can write really good but your excitement is robbing off everything. the whole things sounds like I do this, I do that. Now I am doing this, Now I'm doing that
A reader is being harassed by your exuberant nature. You have to slow this down. Because you when you try to give everything in a very short amount of time, the person reading it won't be able to consume it all.
I saw a movie a few years ago. It was called " Storm breaker" or something like that. And we were told that the teenage spy hero there learned this really fat book ( the size of a small person) in a day by heart.
I was laughing my head off because it was so unrealistic. The same thing ( more or less) is going on here.
All the actions are happening in an emotion free slideshow that it robs of the genuine vibe.
The characters talk really oddly. Your narrations at certain places were quite odd too. for example here,
You messed up the tenses here,
The errors are more or less like this and I'm sure you can correct those yourself if you re-read it ( And I strongly advise you to do that. Because no matter how good you are, you are bound to have typos in your first draft).
I'll stop here, hope this helped.
keep Writing!
Puck
thanks for the review
this was a really rushed story and i wasn't really paying attention to anything the whole time i wrote it. it was pretty much just to kill time. i appreciate the review and i will hopefully post up others that are actually decent XD
OK. I enjoyed reading this; it reminded me of something I would write.
However;
I get the feeling you rushed this. There isn’t much in the way of descriptions, the people, the places and such. I couldn’t picture any of it in my mind. The first few lines were well described, but after that it seemed as if you were just rushing the rest of it.
The fight scenes were rushed and under-described, which resulted in a lack of intensity and made them boring. There were a few misspelled words and errors in grammar, which made it hard to read, and, as I said before, the whole thing seemed rushed.
There seemed to be a lack of emotion, which may have been what you were aiming for, but there was a lack of any emotion in the character. Because of the theme, I believe it should have been written more from inside the characters mind, if you get what I mean.
Apart from that, it was fun to read and review. I’d like to read some original work of yours too.
Keep on writing.
Neko.
your right it was rushed XD this wasn't really something i spent a lot of thought on more as something i did in my spare time XD thanks for the review. hopefully i will write a decent story
Hey there, finally finished your review!
First off, I would suggest double-spacing between your paragraphs. Since standard novel-indentations aren't available here, double-spacing makes it a lot easier on your reader's eyes. When it's a big block of text like this, potential reviewers get kind of spooked and run away, haha.
This is a fairly straight-forward story with plenty of action and, even though I don't know anything about the Assassin's Creed world or its storylines, it still made sense to me.
As I've said before, the ending line is epic.
A couple of nitpicks:
There were quite a few grammar errors throughout, but nothing that a bit of proof-reading won't fix.
Like I said, though: my first suggestion would be to fix the spacing here. It'll make it a lot easier to read.
Keep up the good work, bro!
Thanks so much for the review
was the first story ive ever finished so yea sorry thats its not perfect. I will try to make the grammer and stuff better the next story i write
thanks again for the review
means alot sis 