Revenge

Woah Mate!

skylnn,

Good work. Poem is simple. Feelings are strong. Starting of your poem is good. "YOU CALLED ME A LOSER" Punch in a face! Great.

"You pushed me down" The struggle. It works fine when you write anything about struggle.

"I wanted to fight" Wow, the fightback. I loved it mate.

"But all i could do was frown" The actuality related to a hero.

"Your words were stones" Nice line. I am impressed.

You can make words an object.

Rest of the poem was the starting of the revenge which is a good part. In my way of thinking all the good things should happen at the end of a story. I liked your idea. It is great. I am forward to read more poetries from you.

Keep up the good work.

Rishabh Parmar(Author of Women & Mother Earth and Operation Imperial).

Hello skylnn00writes!

Welcome to Poetry!!

Today I'm going to be following the YWS standard for the review. That formula is our Reviewing Sandwich and it ensures that we get long enough reviews to be helpful! Here's a link to the article in our Knowledge Base which talks about that. The YWS Critique Sandwich

So, onto the sandwich!

Top Bun: What I liked.

I liked that your poem had a good flow to it and that you aren't afraid to leave punctuation off of lines. That's really good to see in a first poem on this site. I also think that it helps with the flow if you don't have punctuation at the end of every line, and you followed along with that, creating better punctuation. I also like that that you are handling a subject that feels personal. While confessional poetry isn't the only style that's applicable to a poem, I think it's a good place to start. Most of the time if we can write what we think rather than something we make up, it is easier to develop and learn. Therefor, I think you're picking a perfect topic! Even if this isn't an experience you've had personally, it's one that you can clearly write about as if it is, and that is worth as much as it being a personal experience.

Meat: What could improve, in my opinion.

Personally, I think that your closeness to the reader could improve. This actually sounds like a poem that twenty million people could say "I wrote that" and everyone would agree. I'm not saying you have to use more unique words, or a different vocabulary, you just have to add more to it. Create more personal details about the situation which can draw the reader closer to identifying not with "I am" but "I know" because most of the time people will commiserate more with a poem which sounds like something a friend or ally is saying to them than a poem which sounds like their life story. After all, we already know our life's story, There are no new emotions there. However, if you tell someone about a situation that isn't theirs, you can create a feeling of sympathy, which can create rage and all sorts of extra emotions.

If you'd like to take a challenge, I'd encourage you to add to this poem and make it specific enough that no one else could write it too. You could even do this poem three or four times with three or four different characters each changing the poem to be theirs. That could actually help you explore voice and develop a sense of speaker as you write. After all, you might know exactly what is going on, what happened, who was involved, why it happened, how it felt, all of it, but we don't! All we have is what you write. Explain it to us, fill us in!

Bottom Bun: Conclusion

To conclude, I'd like to say that I like this poem, I just see room for improvement. I think if you focus on creating a more unique story for each poem you write, something that no one else could say, then you would end up with a more compelling poem. The more specifics you get into the piece, the more of a story you can create, and the better the story, the better the poem.

I know I didn't really address some of the things that you might have been looking for, like specifcs to this poem, but I wanted to focus on some big picture things since Lupa pointed out some specifics you can work on if you would like to.

Aley

Hey, skylnn00writes! Lupa here for a review. Let's get started!

1) There are some lines that have too many syllables, and they don't fit well with the other lines. For example, the "No one bothered to intercept" line was way longer than the other three lines before it. Maybe say, "Your eyes were like daggers / No one would intercept", or something like that.

2) You said in your description your last line needed help, so here's some help for you. Instead of trying to find a word that rhymes with "all," maybe you could change up the previous lines to make your rhyming easier. Here's a crappy substitution I came up with:

"Now here I am,
A (girl/boy) no one can see.
I want my revenge,
To do what you did to me."

There's a lot of other options to choose from, but play around with the words and see what you can do.

Anyway, I only have those two suggestions! Your story sounds really interesting based off of this one poem, and I hope to see it soon. Keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22