z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Please Remember Me (Chapters 21-24)

by skylnn00writes


Chapter 21:

Emily's POV – "Brent!" I scream. I run into his arms and I start crying tears of joy.

"Hey you." He tells me. He starts to pull away but I don't let him. I pull him back and hold him tighter and he does the same.

I can't stop smiling and crying. We finally pull away, but he keeps his arm on my shoulder like he always did. I feel a pang of déjà vu and a feeling of longing, of missing, even though he is standing right next to me.

The adults stay up talking in the kitchen and Brent and I get permission to go to my room. We convinced my parents to let them sleep over and Brent is in my room, so we have to keep the door open.

"I'm not even tired." Brent says as he throws his suitcase on the floor.

"I am, and I have school tomorrow. I'm so psyched that you're back, but unless you want me mauling you, I suggest you let me sleep." We both laugh at that harder than we should.

"Fine, I guess I'll let you slide for tonight. Plus I'm not in the mood to lose my face."

"I'm glad you agree. Goodnight."

"Night Em." I try and sleep but I just can't. I toss and turn for about an hour. I must have annoyed him, but Brent crawled into bed next to me and I lay my head on his shoulder. He started playing with my hair and within minutes I was asleep.

The next morning I woke up in Brent's arms. He was already awake and he was looking at me.

"You're cute when you sleep." He tells me and I blush. I look at the time, and its only 6. I decide to get up and get ready.

Brent follows me downstairs and we eat breakfast together. No one else is up so we try and stay as quiet as possible. I put a slice of toast in the toaster and hear a loud squeak behind me. I turn around and see Brent holding a half open drawer, and a spoon in the other hand. He looks back and forth between me and the squeaky drawer. I meet his gaze and we both start laughing. I try to shush him but I'm laughing so hard that I can't make the sound. We hear footsteps coming down the stairs and we hold our breath. My mom walks into the kitchen and stares at us weirdly. We burst out laughing again and she joins us, even though we don't know what we are laughing at.

I finish getting ready and Brent walks me to school 3 blocks away from my house. We hug and I walk in feeling too happy to be put down by anyone. I keep that in my head as I see Kyle weaving his way through the crowd of people and jogging towards me.

"Emily, wait up!" He screams as I take a detour to class. I don't stop or look at him, I just keep walking. He catches up to me and stands in front of me once again, making me stop.

"Kyle, move out of my way!" I scream a little louder that intended. People turn around and stare at us.

"Not until you promise to hear me out." His eyes look into mine but I look away,

"No, I don't care what you have to say. Now move before I'm late to class." A crowd starts to form around us and I start getting frustrated and annoyed.

"It's either later or now in front of everyone, your choice."

"How about never, excuse me." I try to push past him but he grabs me by my shoulders and pushes me back.

"Now it is. Emily Baker I have known you since as long as I can remember. We are best friends -"

"That's it!" I scream. I lift my knee up as hard as I can and hit him in his manhood. Everyone around us gasps, a couple people laugh, but has their phone out. Kyle doubles over in pain and falls to the floor holding onto his injured area. "Hmph." I say, lift my head up, and start to walk away. The crowd moves and makes a walkway for me.

Everyone whispered and looked at me weirdly for the rest of the day but I was too proud to care. Kyle had to go to the nurse, but he was ok now. He was limping and every time I saw him in the hall, I couldn't help but laugh.

I came home that day to find Sasha lying down on our couch watching a movie with Brent.

"Sasha, you got released early!"

"Yeah, the doctor said I was healing so well that he could release me a day early. But I have to go back in 4 weeks to get everything changed and checked.

"Ha, at least you're here. Hey Brent."

"Hey! You seem strangely happy, any particular reasons?" I shrugged, grinned and sat in the other arm chair across from Brent.

"I may or, may not have um... how do I put this. I kind of killed Kyle's off spring device." All 3 of us start cracking up.

I made popcorn and brought it out. I was sitting down when the doorbell rang.

I opened the door to find Mrs. Winfeild there.

"Can I come in?" I looked at Sasha and she nodded. I stepped aside and she walked in. She took my chair and I sat on one of the arm rests of Brent's chair.

"Hey mom..." Sasha said.

"Do you want some privacy?" Brent asked starting to get up.

"No, please stay." Sasha answered and she gave us both a look. He settled back down. "Mom, what are you doing back so early?"

"I... I wanted to hear the story." It was silent for a while and I tried to read Sasha's expression but it was blank.

"What story?" Brent whispers to me.

"You missed a lot..." I tell him.

"Fine, but get comfortable; it's a hell of a long story."

"I'm ready to hear it." Mrs. Winfeild responds. I give Sasha a reassuring look as she goes 2 months back, all the way to the beginning.

Brent's POV – "Brent!" Emily screamed and ran into my arms. I hugged her tight, happy to see her after all this time.

"Hey you." I tell her. I try to pull away but she pulls me back and holds me tighter. I do the same to her. The room is silent and I feel how awkward it is.

We pull away after a couple more minutes, but I keep my arm draped around her shoulders.

All the adults are talking and my little brother is playing on the floor, but I tuned it all out. I couldn't help but smile; I was back in my hometown standing next to my best friend and the love of my life.

It was around 11 o'clock and I was really exhausted. Emily was too and I was sleeping over in Emily's room. They told us to keep the door open and her parents eyed me carefully. I scrunched up my nose in disgust and thought to myself, 'I'm only 13!'

"I'm not even tired." I tell her when we get to her room in hopes that we can stay up talking.

"I am, and I have school tomorrow. I'm so psyched that you're back, but unless you want me mauling you, I suggest you let me sleep." We laugh at this more than we should, but I'm still a little upset about it.

"Fine, I guess I'll let you slide for tonight. Plus I'm not in the mood to lose my face." I tell her and then notice how stupid that is. I tried to flirt, and ended up sounding retarded.

"I'm glad you agree. Goodnight."

"Night Em." I tell her. I can't sleep so I just lay there no the floor staring at the ceiling.

An hour goes by and I have started to drift off to sleep but Emily keeps moving. I work up every ounce of courage in my body and get up and crawl next to her. She puts her head on my shoulder and I wrap my arms around her and then play with her hair. In minutes, her breath steadies and I know she is asleep. I smile like an idiot, but I kiss her head before going to sleep myself.

I woke up right before 6 and I didn't want to move and wake Emily since she was still in my arms so I just lay there looking at her. With every breath she takes, I fall deeper in love with her. It was 6 on the dot when she started stirring and then woke up. She looks up at me and she looks so beautiful with her messy hair.

"You're cute when you sleep." I blurt out without thinking. She blushed and then uses me to get up. I get up too and accompany her downstairs to eat breakfast with her. We are the only ones up so we try to stay very quiet.

She puts a piece of bread in the toaster and I get a bowl and the cereal from the cabinet. I need a spoon and forgot that it was a squeaky drawer. I managed to open it and get my spoon but in the middle of closing it, it screeched. I froze and Emily turned around to look at me. I glanced from the drawer back to her a couple times and when I met her gaze, she broke out into laughter and I joined her. I let go of the drawer and nearly fell over from laughing so hard. She lifts up her finger to her mouth as if trying to shush me but she was laughing so much she couldn't even make the sound. I wish she saw herself through my eyes, so she could see how beautiful she is.

We hear footsteps and we both freeze. A moment later her mom walks in and stares at us like we have 2 heads. I look at Emily and she bursts out again and we do too.

I go up and change while Emily finishes getting ready and then I walk her to school. We make small talk but at least we are talking normally. I give her a hug and then watch her walk in. I leave as fast as I can so no one else sees me yet.

When I get back to her house, her parents are gone and my parents had gone to check on our house. I was home alone.

Around 1 in the afternoon, Mrs. Baker comes back home, hauling Sasha in a wheelchair. I gasp and help her lift her onto the couch.

"Ok I'm so sorry but I have to get back to work. Brent is here if you need anything. Bye guys!" And she slams the door and drives away.

"Brent, your back! Does Emily know?" I look at the cast on her leg and brace on her wrist and her face is covered in cuts. I wonder what happened and why Emily didn't tell me.

"I surprised her last night. What, happened?!"

"Ugh, long story short, a car hit me while I was on my skateboard the other night."

"Are you ok? Do you know who it was?"

"Nope. It was too dark to see the license plate and they left me in the ditch I flew into. It doesn't really matter. Can you pass me that remote; I want to watch a movie." I hand her the remote and sit in an armchair. She puts on The Fault In Our Stars and I remember seeing this movie with Emily when it first came out. She had cried and her mascara had dripped but she was still gorgeous.

The movie finished and she was starting another one when Emily came in. She and Sasha talked a little and then she greeted me.

"Hey! You seem strangely happy, any particular reasons?" She shrugged, grinned and sat down in the other armchair. I grinned back and waited to hear the story.

"I may or, may not have um... how do I put this. I kind of killed Kyle's off spring device." I laugh so hard I can't even breathe. I knew what she meant and I felt bad because of the pain but still he deserved it.

Emily makes popcorn and she puts in on the table. I'm reaching for some when the doorbell rings. Emily goes to get it and I'm too far to hear who it is. She looks back at Sasha and when she nods, I know who it is.

Mrs. Winfeild walks in and takes the armchair that Emily was sitting in but instead she comes over and sits on the arm of mine. My heart jumps and skips a beat and I get happy.

"Hey mom..." Sasha said.

"Do you want some privacy?" I ask and start to get up, sensing that this isn't my business.

"No, please stay." Sasha answered and she gave Emily and me both a look. I sat back down. "Mom, what are you doing back so early?"

"I... I wanted to hear the story." It was silent for a while.

"What story?" I ask Emily in a whisper.

"You missed a lot..." She tells me.

"Fine, but get comfortable; it's a hell of a long story."

"I'm ready to hear it." Mrs. Winfeild responds. I listen myself, curious to know what it is.

Kyle's POV – I was standing at my locker doing nothing, waiting for Emily to go to homeroom, like she always does. I was looking down the hall when I saw her. I started to run, but there was a huge crowd of kids there.

"Move!" I screamed to them but they didn't listen. I pushed my way past them. I looked up and Emily had seen me and was turning a corner. "Emily, wait up!" I scream. She doesn't even stop. I run faster and stand in front of her.

"Kyle, move out of my way!" She screams at me. The other students in the hall turn around to look at us but I don't care.

"Not until you promise to her me out." I try and look at her eyes, so that she can see how desperate I am, but she just looks away.

"No, I don't care what you have to say. Now move before I'm late to class!" She tries to push past me but I grab her by the shoulders and push her back. There is a circle of kids around us, trapping us in.

"Now it is. Emily Baker I have known you for as long as I can remember. We are best friends –"

"That's it!" She screams and before I can react, she brings her knee up hard into my special spot. Indescribable pain surges through me. I grab my crotch for god knows what reason, like that will help. I double over and fall to the floor sideways in pain. My vision darkens at the edges but I see Emily walk away and the crowd diminished quickly, leaving me there.

I manage to get to the nurse 10 minutes later and I have to lie when she asks me what happened.

"I uh... opened my locker too hard and didn't move in time." She eyes me suspiciously but gave me an ice pack.

I was forced to go back to class half an hour later but I had to do a weird double limp for the rest of the day.

Sasha's POV – I woke up to a nurse this time talking to Mrs. Baker.

"Sasha, I'm taking you to my house until your parents come back. You're being released right now."

"Oh, ok. I'm ready I guess." I sit in a wheelchair provided by the hospital and they give me crutches and tell me not to walk on it. She takes me back to her house and helps me inside and then rushes off telling me Brent will help me with whatever I need.

"Brent, your back! Does Emily know?"

"I surprised her last night. What, happened?!"

"Ugh, long story short, a car hit me while I was on my skateboard the other night." I don't want to tell him the story because I'm too tired.

"Are you ok? Do you know who it was?"

"Nope. It was too dark to see the license plate and they left me in the ditch I flew into. It doesn't really matter. Can you pass me that remote; I want to watch a movie." He hands me the remote and sits down. I put on my favorite movie The Fault In Our Stars. The movie ends before Emily gets home so I start another one. 5 minutes in she comes home and sees me.

"Sasha, you got released early!"

"Yeah, the doctor said I was healing so well that he could release me a day earlier. But I have to go back there in 3 weeks."

"Ha, at least you're here. Hey Brent."

"Hey! You seem strangely happy, any particular reasons?" Brent asked her.

"I may or, may not have um... how do I put this. I kind of killed Kyle's off spring device." It hurts to laugh so hard because I shake and everything moves but it's way too funny not to laugh at.

We had started to watch the movie again when the doorbell rings. When Emily answers it, I recognize the voice as my mom's. Emily looks at me and I nod.

"Hey mom..." I tell her but she doesn't respond.

"Do you want some privacy?" Brent asks but I ask him to stay and shoot him and Emily a look that I hope they understand.

"I... I wanted to hear the story." I didn't answer at first, debating on how to tell her.

"Fine, but get comfortable; it's a hell of a long story."

"I'm ready to hear it." My mom tells me and I take a deep breath. I remember it all clearly so I just go for it.

"6 months ago, I started dating Andy, remember him?" She nods. "Well he was a fake. He pretended to love me and 2 months ago... I... I lost my virginity to him. I woke up the next morning and he was gone. All that was left was a note that said 'That's all that matters'. I took a test a week later after I felt morning sickness and it came as positive. I took another but it still came as positive. I didn't know what to do so I told Andy. Well that's why he moved. His family took him and I turned to Emily. I knew you – you wouldn't accept it so I – I couldn't tell y – you. I'm so sorry, mom." I was crying really hard and was having trouble breathing. My mom stood up and held me.

"Shhh, its ok baby. Its ok honey, calm down. Its ok, shhh." She soothed me and I automatically felt better. "It's all over now."

Chapter 22:

Brent's POV – My mom picked me up that night and took me back to our 'hotel.' Our house was still the same with a little extra dust.

"It looks beautiful still; glad were home." I tell my parents and then go upstairs to my old bedroom. The reason I hadn't been heard of for a while was because I had been keeping a secret.

When we moved, our house hadn't been sold yet. We didn't have the money to buy the other one until it was sold. What my parents don't know, is that I made sure no one bought the house. How, that will remain a secret. But since it was never sold, we had to move back; now here we are.

I wanted to surprise Emily when we came back last night, but it didn't go as planned. But tonight, it will work. I am already supposed to be starting school Monday. The school gave me back my locker, schedule, and I still have all my books. I only missed about a month but with Emily's help I should be able to catch up.

I get everything ready the next day while Emily is at school. I finally finish and I'm just on time. I start to walk to our school to meet her.

She is one of the first ones out luckily so we go in a detour as fast as we can to avoid me being seen. We had already been walking when I see one of my friends riding his penny board towards us. I grab Emily's hand and make a sharp turn onto the first street we pass and I take off running. She almost falls but I hold her up.

We run for another block just in case and then we slow down. Neither of us is out of breath since we are both on the Cross Country team at school. We start laughing at how ridiculous that was and we are about to get to her house when I grab her hand and pull her towards mine instead. She doesn't question or complain; she just follows me.

"Do you trust me?" I ask her after we stop a street away from my house. I had just let go of her hand because I didn't want her to know I liked her.

"With my own life."

"Then close your eyes and let me guide you." I can see she is hesitant but she grabs my shoulder with one hand and links her arm with mine and our fingers interlace.

"Don't make me crash into anything! Brent, I swear I will hurt you."

"Yes, relax; I promise I won't let anything happen to you."

Emily's POV – Brent was waiting for me when I came out of school. When I saw him, I got this strange feeling but I pushed it away. I know that Brent doesn't wasn't to be seen so we start by jogging to not draw too much attention. Once we are away, we slot it to a walk. I open my mouth to say something but Brent grabs my hand and takes off running down another street. It takes me a couple seconds to realize why he did it, but I'm able to catch up to him.

We run for a couple more minutes just to be safe and then we slow down.

I start to walk towards my house but Brent pulls me towards his instead. When he grabs my hands, my heart jumps and I get butterflies in my stomach. His hands are soft and warm and this time I can't shake the feeling.

We are almost there when Brent stops a street away. I stop too and he turns to me; at some point he had let go of my hand.

"Do you trust me?" He asks me. I start to get suspicious.

"With my own life." I reassure him.

"Then close your eyes and let me guide you." I hesitate for a second and think about it. But then I grab his hand, link my arm in his and hold onto his shoulder with the other hand.

"Don't make me crash into anything! Brent, I swear I will hurt you."

"Yes, relax; I promise I won't let anything happen to you." I smile as I walk closely next to him in the dark to wherever he wants to take me.

Chapter 23:

Emily's POV – We don't talk for much longer but I didn't cheat and I keep my eyes closed for the excitement.

We stop somewhere and he turns me 90 degrees. I hear him run away and I get scared.

"Open!" He yells. What I see takes my breath away.

I'm standing in front of Brent's old house. He is sitting on the grass holding up a sign with a big arrow. I follow the arrow up to Brent's window. There, another sign reads 'My Room' and another arrow pointing left. I look over and one of his garden gnomes is chewing on the 'For sale!' sign. He that of the gnome had an arrow pointing up where another sign with and arrow hangs from the tree. I follow it around the house. On the old playset me and him used to play on all the time, there are tons of sticky notes. I walk over and start reading them. Every sticky note has a different memory written on it. I laugh and cry at the same time as I recall all our fond memories. I'm walking around when I see yet another sign pointing to the other side of the backyard. I don't see anything at first, but then I see it. A trail of rose petals leads back to the front of the house. I am looking down to see where to go when they suddenly stop. I look and realize why.

Brent is standing there looking at me with a nervous smile. His shirt had an arrow pointing up. I look up a little to see a row of signs hanging from the tree we are standing under. I had failed to see that there were more sticky notes with memories on the trees trunks. I read the signs and they say 'Climb the tree'. I climb the tree a little and see a little birds nest. I climb a little higher to see what's inside. There is another note that is folded up and as I unfold it I see that it reads 'I love you' and has yet another arrow pointing back down. I climb down the tree and jump to the ground. I look up to see one last sign in Brent's hands. My legs go weak when I read it.

"Will you, Emily Baker, give me the privilege to be your boyfriend?" He says aloud, reciting the sign. I lift my hand to my mouth. I'm crying happy tears but Brent thinks they are sad and he lowers his arms. "What's wrong?" He asks, sounding defeated and on the verge of tears.

"Nothing; of course I will you idiot." He smiles and closes the gap between us.

Brent's POV – I stop her right in front of my house and turn her to face it. I go up my lawn and hold up my sign. I double check that everything is ready.

"Open!" I yell to her. She opens her eyes and I see that she is wowed. She follows all the arrows and I watch her disappear around the corner of the house. I get to work.

I change my shirt and hang up more signs from the tree, making sure they are in the right order. I toss the garden gnome to the side and place more sticky notes on the tree. Then I climb up, stick a paper in a birds nest, and stick a sticky note with an arrow indicating her to go up. When I'm all done, I take my position standing beneath the tree.

When she comes around the corner, I can't help but stare; she looks gorgeous. She tiptoes on the rose petals as if they would break with her full weight. When she looks up, I see her tear stained face and her cute little smile. She walks right past me and starts to climb the tree. Once I know she is ok, I take my place with my last sign 10 feet away.

A minute later, she hops down to the ground. She looks up and reads the sign. Emily starts crying.

"Will you, Emily Baker, give me the privilege to be your boyfriend?" I see her hand lift to her mouth and my smile fades. I lower the sign and brace myself for the worst. "What's wrong?" I ask her.

"Nothing; of course I will you idiot." I smile my biggest smile. I run up to her and kiss her.

Chapter 24:

Brent's POV – It was my first day back and I couldn't have thought of a better way to make an entrance. Everyone stared at me and Emily as we walked through the doors holding hands. To make it even clearer that we were together; I put my arm around her. I was even going to kiss her on the side of the head when she stops and turns me towards her. Emily bites her bottom lip and I know she wants me to kiss her. I pull her closer and stare into her gorgeous eyes. She kisses me kind of intensely and I blush a little since so many people are watching.

I walk Emily to her locker and then she comes to mine. We are laughing about this morning when Kyle shows up.

"So, you're back." Kyle said to me.

"What do you want Kyle." I said in the rudest voice I could. I stood closer to Emily and slightly in front of her just in case. Emily grabbed my arm.

"I want to talk to you girlfriend." He said, just as I had suspected. I wasn't going to let this happen, I wanted Emily to know I would protect her no matter what.

"Well you cant. When are you going to understand, Emily wants nothing to do with you! So I will tell you once; leave her alone." I got up in his face so he would back up. I was a little bigger than him now. It luckily worked and he walked away.

I walked Emily to class even though I was going to be late to mine. Emily changed me. She makes me feel different, like there isn't a care in the world. She changes my heart rate, and I know that it will be like this forever. I want to protect her, and hold her, and wipe away her tears. I know she feels the same. I'm crazy for her and I love her, and I don't think I will ever be able to stop.

Kyle's POV – I was waiting at Emily's locker to see if I could catch her one last time when everyone started talking about her. I couldn't quite understand what was going on until I saw her and Brent walking down the halls together. She looked at me and stopped.

Brent and Emily kissed for a while in front of the whole grade and everyone cheered, except me. I just stood there staring, and feeling my heart break into a million pieces. Emily glared at me and I went into the bathroom.

Luckily no one else was there. I splashed my face with water and looked in the mirror. Words went through my mind a million miles an hour, I wanted to tell her all of them and make her understand. I took a deep breath and decided to give it one last shot. I found her at Brent's locker.

"So, you're back." I told Brent.

"What do you want Kyle." Brent asked me. I noticed that he got closer to Emily to seem more protective.

"I want to talk to you girlfriend."

"Well you cant. When are you going to understand, Emily wants nothing to do with you! So I will tell you once; leave her alone." Brent got closer to me with every word until we were a centimeter away. I gave up.

I walked away, straight out of the school. I just kept walking aimlessly. I passed by the skate park where me and Emily stayed so many nights in a row, and I remembered all our memories. I passed the curb where Emily tried to make her first jump on her skateboard in 2nd grade. I remember how I had carried her home when she fell. Everything came flooding back to me and I allowed myself to cry. I'm not one to cry at all. I didn't even cry when my parents got divorced, or when my mom died. I just remembered how Emily had hugged me. I started to feel dizzy so I sat down at a swing set in another park. I know she can never be mine. I have to get over her, but it will take time. For now I need to escape. I don't know where but this summer I will escape. I will just have to finish 8th grade. But this is it; I lost her. I loved her and I lost her. I guess that's just life, and you just have to keep on living it.

Emily's POV – I walk into school Monday hand in hand with Brent. It was like a movie; we walked through the doors and everyone's head turned. People immediately started talking and whispering. Kids cleared out of the way as we walked past. Brent let go of my hand and put his arms around me. I was walking to my locker when I saw Kyle at the end of the hall looking at us. An idea struck me.

I stopped Brent and turned him towards me. I but my lower lip and smiled. He pulled me closer to him and we kiss passionately. I heard a lot of guys cheering and yelling out pretty gross things but I ignored it.

When we pulled away, I glared at Kyle. He was clearly hurt but I think he finally got the message. Clearly I was wrong.

One I was finished at my locker, I went to Brent's. We were laughing about this morning when Kyle came up to us. Brent stood closer to me and I grabbed his arm.

"So, you're back." Kyle said.

"What do you want Kyle."

"I want to talk to you girlfriend."

"Well you cant. When are you going to understand, Emily wants nothing to do with you! So I will tell you once; leave her alone." Brent got up in his face but Kyle luckily backed off.

I knew at that moment I had fallen for him. Many might say I'm too young and that I can't possibly know what it feels like; but I know. I'm in love, and I can't wait to go on adventures and spend the rest of my life with him. He makes me feel sage, and I know I'll be fine. I love him, always and forever. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1162 Reviews


Points: 32055
Reviews: 1162

Donate
Sun Apr 16, 2017 3:48 pm
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again! :D

I have two notes for you for this chapter - what I mentioned in the previous reviews about showing and voice can apply here as well, but I don't want to repeat too much information :)

I know Blue has already mentioned the repetition, and I noticed that a lot in this chapter as well. In one of my previous reviews I mentioned that the first draft is awesome for just getting the story out and figuring out who the main players will be and it's supposed to be messy :) and then for your next draft you can plot and figure out who needs to tell which part of the story. That can apply here as well. The first chapter in this segment has the same scene three times and each perspective doesn't bring much new information to the scene. I would choose one POV to write the scene from (and any scene). But we'll talk about that more in a minute because I have another idea for you, too :)

In that first scene, each one ended with the "let me tell you the story" and I kept waiting for that story to be told but each scene ended at the same point. When we finally got to the story, it felt a little anti-climatic to me. It was one paragraph and there were no reactions or actions throughout the story. I think that could be a great place to expand like I mentioned in my last review :)

I mentioned POVs in one of my previous reviews and I mentioned how each POV should have its own distinct voice and one POV per scene and etc. In this chapter I started to think that maybe first person POV isn't right for this story (which isn't a bad thing!). You might want to consider writing it in third rather than first person. I think it could work because you wouldn't be stuck in one head for each scene you're writing. You like to show different perspectives of each scene and third is a little more conducive for that. You can read a lot more about first vs. third here.

Lastly, I feel like we skipped around with time in these chapters - like the story wasn't told in a linear fashion. I'm not sure if that's correct or not, but that's kind of what it felt like. It's 100% fine not to tell your story in a linear fashion, but if you don't tell the story that way, you'll need to make it clear to your reader when we're not in the present so the reader doesn't get confused. There are a lot of different ways to do that which we can talk about more later if that's what you're trying to do with this story. I just feel like it skipped around a little or that I missed some things (but I also could have been reading it incorrectly or missing things because I came in late).

I enjoy the love in the story. Brent and Emily are cute together and I think you've done a nice job showing how they feel about one another. Is this the last segment or is there more? If this is it, it feels like sort of a weird place to end because I don't feel like everything has been resolved. But I hope you keep working on this story no matter what! I'd be happy to read more and I'd be happy to help with and/or read the next draft! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention :D






Seriously, thank you for all the reviews and all the advice in all the chapters. I can't believe you took the time to read through this story but it was truly so super helpful. My next draft will be so much better thanks to you :smt001



Carlito says...


My pleasure <3



User avatar
1735 Reviews


Points: 91980
Reviews: 1735

Donate
Sun Apr 02, 2017 6:14 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Me again!

Okay, so same notes on this chapter as the last in terms of repeated information - even more so, because the bit where Kyle confronts them in school was actually repeated three times. Holy cow. Too much.

That said, I think this section showed a big improvement as far as pacing went - you did a much better job breaking up the dialogue with description and action, so things didn't feel so rushed.

"Brent!" I scream. I run into his arms and I start crying tears of joy.

"Hey you." He tells me. He starts to pull away but I don't let him. I pull him back and hold him tighter and he does the same.

I can't stop smiling and crying. We finally pull away, but he keeps his arm on my shoulder like he always did. I feel a pang of déjà vu and a feeling of longing, of missing, even though he is standing right next to me.

The adults stay up talking in the kitchen and Brent and I get permission to go to my room. We convinced my parents to let them sleep over and Brent is in my room, so we have to keep the door open.

"I'm not even tired." Brent says as he throws his suitcase on the floor.

"I am, and I have school tomorrow. I'm so psyched that you're back, but unless you want me mauling you, I suggest you let me sleep." We both laugh at that harder than we should.

"Fine, I guess I'll let you slide for tonight. Plus I'm not in the mood to lose my face."

"I'm glad you agree. Goodnight."

"Night Em." I try and sleep but I just can't. I toss and turn for about an hour. I must have annoyed him, but Brent crawled into bed next to me and I lay my head on his shoulder. He started playing with my hair and within minutes I was asleep.


So when you go back over the other chapters to revise, now you can use this chapter to remind yourself how to slow things down a little.

Question: did I miss something between the last bit and this bit? Or maybe it's because I didn't start reading from the beginning of the story, just from a few posts ago. I was just kind of confused when Emily saw Brent at the start of this chapter and was like "OMG BRENT WHEN DID YOU GET HERE I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU." I think I just didn't realize he wasn't living nearby for most of the story - I've seen her talk to him on the phone, but I thought they were just calling each other to talk after school or something.

Obviously a normal reader who starts at the beginning won't be as confused on that point, but I think it would also help if Emily sometimes thinks more about how much she misses him or if she asks him about his life in the new place when they're on the phone, things like that. Things that drive home the point "Brent has moved away" so that we react to it more.

I think it's kind of funny that Brent sticking up for her is the thing that makes her know she's in love with him, considering that earlier in the chapter she kicked Kyle in the crotch, thereby showing she can take care of herself and has no time for ex-boyfriends' nonsense. That was an awesome moment, by the way, although the word "manhood" ruined it for me a little bit. I understand if you don't want to use the technical term or a more coarse word, and the characters are 13, after all, but "manhood" is right out of a Harlequin romance novel, so it read really weirdly. "Special spot" later on seemed more appropriate for their respective ages, and I loved this:

"I may or, may not have um... how do I put this. I kind of killed Kyle's off spring device." All 3 of us start cracking up.


It was hilarious and really felt like an awkward young teenager explaining what she'd done. If you'd like to replace "manhood," "crotch" works much better without either getting too technical or too coarse.

I was going to question the fact that Emily didn't get in trouble for this incident, even though there were a bunch of kids who saw her do it, but since Kyle lied to the nurse about what happened I guess it's fine. Wow, he's a determined little bastard, isn't it? She kicked him in the crotch and he still wanted to come bother her. Man. I can't stand that kid.

Finally, I'm curious about Sasha's pregnancy. Pregnancy is a big deal, physically and mentally, even if you're an adult and married and intended to get pregnant. It's a much bigger deal for a single mother, even more so for a single teen mother, and I can't even imagine how horrible it could be for someone as young as thirteen, especially after giving her virginity to someone she thought she loved who immediately turned around and left.

I know I only came in a couple chapters ago, so maybe you handled this earlier on in the story. But I'd like to see more of Sasha dealing with her pregnancy - not just "oh no, I'm alone and I can't tell anyone about this," but the actual pregnancy and all its disgusting glory, morning sickness and mood swings and weight gain, plus there are things no one even tells you about, like gestational diabetes (!!!). Does anyone notice the physical changes? Do her parents take her to a doctor, thinking she's sick? Does she make excuses for mood swings or just hide from everyone?

I'd also like to see the emotional fallout from her accident. On the one hand, she's got to be relieved the baby died, because...she's thirteen and was pregnant. Yikes. Ouch. But on the other hand, she was dealing with carrying a baby and now suddenly isn't. Had she started to love the baby, despite her fears? Had she started thinking about keeping it? I want to know.

Write on!
BlueAfrica





You have to write the book that wants to be written. And if the book will be too difficult for grown-ups, then you write it for children.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author