Chapter 1:
Emily's POV – I took a deep breath as I looked at myself in the mirror. Today was Brent's last day. He was my best friend since 2nd grade and now he is moving away. Its only one month into 8th grade and I really wish he would stay until the end of the year. But it isn't up to me, or him. I surprisingly still haven't cried, but I could break down any second.
"You can do this. Your Emily Baker, you can make it through anything." I whispered to myself, although I didn't believe it and I didn't sound convinced. But I walked out of my room, and all the way to my bus stop.
"I didn't talk at all and my friends Britny and Sasha didn't seem to notice.
When we got to the school, OI walked off the bus and looked for Brent. As usual, he was with all of his guy friends. I walked past them like every day, and he never stopped me or said 'hey'. I know I said he was my best friend, but I don't think I'm his.
Brent's POV – It's my last day here before I move. I don't want to leave all my friends but I don't have a choice. I tried not to think about it as I got ready for school, but it was nagging me in the back of my head. 8th grade just started which means I will have to start school the day after I get there.
I don't have any friends on my bus so I sit in a two-seater alone, listening to music.
When we get to the school, most of my friends are already there so I stand in our little group. A couple minutes later, I notice Emily's bus pulls up. She walks right by me like I'm a stranger to her.
I wonder if she remembers that it's my last day. I wonder if she even cares. I consider her one of my best friends, but I don't think she feels the same way.
Britny's POV – It was a good morning. Something seemed strange about Emily, she wasn't talking. I ignored it because it could have been nothing. She looked tired anyway.
I saw my other friends waiting for me when I got off the bus. Emily had been behind me but I turn around now and she's gone.
Sasha's POV – Emily seemed down this morning. I was going to ask her about it but Britny was telling me something that was important to her. Then at school, she seemed to have disappeared when I got off the bus.
Chapter 2:
Emily's POV – I tried not to think about him but it was hard because he was in all of my classes. And in 4 out of the 5 he sits next to me.
I sat down in first period, one of the classes he sits next to me in. As much as I hated to, I couldn't stop staring at the door. I don't know why I wanted him to walk in. 'No, stop; stop thinking about him. Think about science.' The little voice in my head started spewing out science facts. My hands were flipping through pages in my notebook, but my eyes stayed on the door.
The bell rang ad he still hadn't walked in. Strange, he isn't one to be late.
"Hey Em..." A familiar voice whispered beside me. I nearly jumped out of my chair. I turned around to find Brent sitting there, his books already open and his pencil in his hand.
"Brent! How the hell did you do that?" I whisper screamed back.
"Do what?" He asked laughing.
"Get there without me seeing you!" He laughed even more and I couldn't help but smile.
"I came in right behind you. I thought you had seen me. I didn't mean to scare you, sorry."
"No its fine, that was my fault." She responded. They sat there awkwardly.
It felt like 5 minutes of awkward silence before the teacher finally started talking.
Brent's POV – I followed Emily discreetly all the way to her locker. I pretended to be at my own but I just fumbled with the lock. Luckily she didn't see me and she just walked into first period. I followed behind her, hoping she would notice me now.
Our seats were next to each other so I lightly slammed my text book down and sighed loudly to see if she would notice, but still she didn't. It was like she was in a trance; nothing caught her attention. I finally gave up, took out my books, and just sat there watching her. She flipped her notebook pages but she seemed more interested in the door.
I really wanted to talk to her. When the bell rang a couple minutes later, I worked up the courage to talk to her.
"Hey Em..." I said. She jumped and turned around, a confused look on her face.
"Brent! How the hell did you do that?" I couldn't help but laugh.
"Do what?"
"Het there without me seeing you!" She looked like she had just seen a ghost, but then she smiled.
"I came in right behind you. I thought you had seen me. I didn't mean to scare you, sorry." I lie.
"No its fine, it was my fault."
We sat there silently until class started, but I was happy we had talked.
Chapter 3:
Emily's POV – Before lunch, I was standing at my locker getting my books for later. I saw shoes under the door. When I closed it, Brent was standing there, a sad look on his face.
"Maybe you forgot, or maybe you don't care, I don't know. I just wanted to say that today is my last day. I wanted to tell you I'm going to miss you the most. You are my best friend and I am scared to lose you." Tears filled my eyes. I dropped all of my books and wrapped my arms around his neck. I was on my toes because he was taller than me, but his arms were around me, supporting me so I didn't fall.
"You're my best friend, I didn't forget, and I'm going to miss you so much." I whispered in his ear. I closed my eyes willing the tears not to fall, but finally I cried. I cried and cried and we stood there holding each other. This wasn't our goodbye, I wanted to see him later too before we leave.
Brent's POV – I was turning around to go to lunch when I saw Emily at her locker. I had to tell her, she just had to know how I felt. I stood behind her locker waiting for her to close the door. Surprisingly, this time she didn't get scared. I took a deep breath.
"Maybe you forgot, or maybe you don't care, I don't know. I just wanted to say that today is my last day. I wanted to tell you I'm going to miss you the most. You are my best friend and I am scared to lose you." I was nervous for her response.
She dropped her books on the floor and they landed with a thud. Her eyes filled with tears and she hugged me. I didn't even think about it, I just hugged her back. We stood there for a while, and then her shoulders started shaking. I held her tighter so that she would maybe stop crying, but she didn't. I didn't want this all to be true, I didn't want this moment to end.
Chapter 4:
Emily's POV – It was the first day in my whole life that school had gone so fast. And it was the only day that I wanted it to go slower. I tried looking at the clock a lot last period but every time I looked, 5 minutes had gone by instead of -1. My last class was the one Brent didn't sit next to me in so I couldn't even talk to him.
Then it happened; the dreaded bell rang. I packed up my things and then went over to Brent's locker.
"Ready?" I ask him, my voice shaking.
"Ready." He says. We walk out to the buses together. We make small talk, both clearly avoiding the topic at hand. And then the buses started up and we knew it was time. He looks at me and I start crying again. We collapse into each other and I can't let go. The teachers are yelling at everyone to get on their buses and the crowd starts clearing out. He pulls away and kisses me on the cheek. Then he walks away. Sasha comes running up to me from the bus and then pulls me away with her. I sit in the middle of her and Britny and they hug me as I cry uncontrollably. My crush, Peter Bryce, comes up to us. He whispers something into Britny's ear and she stands up. He then grabs my hand and pulls me up into a hug. I dig my face into his shoulder and cry even more, too upset to even notice that my own crush was hugging me.
Sasha, Britny, and Peter get off the bus with me.
It takes me a while to stop crying and when I do its 4:55. I gasp and run out of my house, not even bothering to change out of my converse or waste another second to tell them where I'm going. I have 5 minutes before Brent leaves. He lives 3 minutes away. I sprint faster than I ever have at any track meet. I hope I make it in time.
Sasha's POV – I was talking to Britny on the bus, waiting to go home. The bus starts up and I realize Emily still isn't on the bus. As I look towards the school, I see Brent kiss her on the cheek and walk away. She stands there crying. I run to the front of the bus and tell the driver to wait. Then I run towards her Emily as fast as I can. I pull her on the bus and sit her down. That's why she was so quiet this morning, its Brent's last day! Britny and I hug her and try to comfort her. A couple minutes into the bus ride, Peter Bryce comes to our seat and whispers something into Britny's ear. Ugh, I hate Peter. But I try to be nice for Emily because she likes him. Britny stands up and Peter grabs Emily and gives her a hug. She starts to cry even more.
"We can't let her be alone like this." I tell Britny. She nods her head in agreement and tells Peter. He also agrees and the 3 of us get off the bus with her.
We walk into her empty house and since I have been there the most, I get her a glass of water and then I text my parents to let them know what happened. Emily looks at her phone and gasps. Before anyone can stop her, she runs out the door. I would chase her if I thought I had a chance of catching her but she is too fast for me. Peter is the one who takes off after her, and for a second I don't actually hate him.
Brent's POV – Last period seemed to be over way too fast. Emily walked over to my locker and she asked me if I was ready. I said I was even though I wasn't, and then we walked out together. We talked about the most random things. But then the buses started and she started crying again. We hugged really tight and I didn't ever want to let go. It pained me so much when I finally did though. I kissed her on the cheek and with all the energy and will in my body, I walked away. I didn't want to look back, and see how badly I was hurting her.
I sat in my seat on the bus and let every piece inside me breaking.
My parents were already home when I got home at 4:20. I finished packing and we started to load everything into the car. When we were done it was almost 5.
"Brent, come say goodbye to the house." My mom said humorously. I didn't laugh or even look at her. I just looked at my empty house; my home since I was little, leaving all these memories here. I met Emily here at my birthday party I had invited her to. This was my home no matter where I go now. I turn around and go out to see the house from the front. Then I looked down the street. In the distance, there was someone running really fast. As they got closer I started to make out who it was. I started to run towards her at full speed.
Britny's POV – I was telling Sasha something at the end of the day on the bus when she pushed past me and ran off the bus. I watched her run and then realized it was Emily. She pulled her onto the bus and we sat in our 3 seater. I hugged her because I didn't know what to say. A few minutes later, Peter comes up to me.
"Can you stand up so I can give her a hug?" He whispers in my ear. I nod my head and stand up, only because Emily likes Peter and that might make her happier. I watch as he pulls her into a hug, and she starts crying more.
Sasha looks at me and says, "We can't let her be alone like this." I agree and tell Peter who is still holding Emily. He also agrees and the 3 of us take Emily home. Sasha gets her water but she doesn't touch it. After a while, she finally calms down. She looks at her phone and gasps. Before we can react, she runs out the door. Peter follows her. I look at Sasha confused and worried. I am not as fast as Emily or Peter so I stay with Sasha. I hope Peter is fast enough, or faster than her.
Peter's POV – "I want to get away from this hell hole." I say and all of my friends laugh. I look to the front of the bus to see what's taking so long. I see Sasha basically dragging Emily, who is crying. I think in my head what to do and wonder why she is crying. I don't really know Emily too well but she is really nice and pretty. I guess she is one of my friends because we have talked before. Also last year she helped me a lot in my classes. I finally decide to man-up and go give her a hug. She only sits 2 seats away so I didn't even have to walk very far. I ask Britny if she can stand up so I can give her a hug and luckily she agrees. I pull Emily up and luckily she agrees. I pull Emily up and I hug her. She starts crying even more and I just hold her. Britny mouths to me that we can't leave her alone and I nod my head. When her stop comes, we all get off. I follow Sasha to Emily's house.
After a while she stops crying as much. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and gasps. Before I can grab her, she takes off running out the door. I know I am fast enough to catch her so I go off after her. Damn she is fast; I wonder where she is going.
Chapter 5:
Emily's POV – I'm almost there when I see him running towards me. I don't slow down, instead I speed up. 200 feet away, then 100, then 50 feet left. It felt like I would never reach him when we finally collided.
"Pleases don't leave." I tell him while I cry yet again. I hear someone out of breath behind me and I turn a little and see Peter. He is bent over with his hands on his knees and he was really out of breath. I didn't bother to worry about him then because I was too focused on Brent. His parents came walking up to us and I held on to him even tighter.
"Brent... we need to go." His mother said. His little brother peeled from around his dad's leg and stared up at us.
"I don't want to leave mom, I can't!" Brent said without even turning around to face her.
"Brent, buddy, I know but we have to." His dad told him. Both of them looked upset, tired, and stressed. And then I understood. I gave Brent one last squeeze and slowly pull away from him. When I look at his face, I see tears. I had never seen him cry before.
"This isn't goodbye." I told him reassuringly. "New technology made sure of that." He laughs at that but then goes right back to crying.
"I'll visit, and you better visit me too." He told me.
"I promise." We hug one last time and then he walks back to his house. I wait until his car comes down the street and then drives away. I stay there watching the road, trying to hold on to all our memories.
Peter comes up from behind me and I almost forgot he was there. We both nod at each other in understanding, and we start walking back to my house.
Brent's POV – I should feel happy when I see her, but instead the sadness overwhelms me even more. We run right into each other in another embrace. Finally, I can't take it anymore and I cry. I'm not someone who cries in front of others, or cries at all, but I could take it anymore. I see Peter catch up to her and he is really out of breath. Emily turns a little but doesn't let go and neither do I.
"Brent... we need to go." I hear my mom say from behind me. All of a sudden I am filled with rage and anger towards them. I can't believe they would do this to me.
"I don't want to leave mom, I can't!" I don't even bother to turn around and look at her. I don't want to hurt her with my words, no matter how upset I am about this.
"Brent, buddy, I know but we have to." My dad tells me. I think about my little brother then, how easy it must be for him.
I feel Emily give me a light squeeze and she slowly pulls away. She looked surprised when she saw me crying but she recovered quickly.
"This isn't goodbye." She tells me. I see the pain in her eyes as she talks. "New technology made sure of that." I laugh at this but then I get even sadder. I t won't be the same. She would always pick me up when I was down, and I would do the same for her. Why did I ever doubt our friendship? We could have had so many more memories. It kills me inside when I think about not being able to there for her, to pick her up anymore.
"I'll visit, and you better visit me too." I hope she understands that this is my way of telling her I will always be there for her.
"I promise." She tells me. We hug one last time and again; I'm the one to turn away.
We get into the car and as I drive away, I look through the mirror at her. I take her all in so that I never forget what she looks like in person.
Peter's POV – By the time I catch up to her, she is already where she was going. And then everything clicks. Emily was upset about Brent leaving. I bend over trying to catch my breath. I listen to them talk, trying to stay out of the way. This isn't my place but I needed to be sure she was going to be ok and that she was sage. After Brent leaves, I look at Emily and we both nod. I let her lead me back to her house.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hey there skylnn00writes and a sort of late welcome to YWS. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
A Quick Thought
Okay so this whole thing is just sort of mashed together, five chapters all mixed in and at first glance it's hard for the reader to realize there are more than one chapter. So far I've just taken a quick look over everything and I haven't read anything yet but you might want to think about noting the fact that there are different chapters. They are rather short so I see why they're together but I think maybe bolding the chapter numbers might help a bit. Just one thought before we get into the bulk of the content.
Chapter One
1. Okay so first thing I notice about the chapters themselves is that they're extremely short even though the novel in its self is pretty short. I think I measured them registering at about 600-700 words which is about 300-1000 under the average chapter size. I don't really see much happening here and I see quite a bit that could be combined, even the chapters themselves. With the current word count average, I'd guess your novel is right under 20k. Now you either need to combine chapters or rework them all the way through so they actually have some substance.
2. Your story is also riddled with grammar issues and common mistakes which are starting to take quite the toll on my mind. I'm seeing a lot of 'there' vs 'they're' and 'your' vs 'you're', both of which are more common errors but still drive people away. The audience does not want to pick through everything and try to make sense of something. So far the story isn't really appealing to me because it seems like the standard pre-teen drama. Maybe that will change farther down the road but there's nothing different at the moment.
3. You may also want to bold the changes in perspective because at the moment they're all just sort of jumbled in which only adds to the confusion factor of this whole thing. Before you start working on beefing this up, I think you might to focus on some formatting and possibilities for bolding and italicizing things. I have always found that whispers and thoughts, that a character is saying to their self, always shows more emphasis and emotion when using italics. And it also separates those lines from the pack a bit so the reader doesn't just rush by them.
4. This is an overall thing in itself, but the multiple POVs need a lot of work because you're switching back and forth between five of them in one chapter and it's nothing drastic. The switching all seems a bit random to me and it might work better if you devoted one whole chapter to each character's POV, rather than flip flopping around so much. That's just one thought on the matter, take it however you will, but changing pov this many times within a chapter is excessive to me.
5. The sentences. I don't know if the formatting came through like this because you copied and pasted, because believe me I know publishing center has issues with these things, but you need to combine some sentences. Not the actual structure, just the space in between them so you have actual paragraphs rather than loner sentences hanging out all around the story. This hooks back into the four earlier points of combing stuff because the current formatting is funky. It takes a lot longer to get through a short amount of stuff when it's organized like this. If you want to keep attention spans you need to keep the information next door to each other.
1. The shortness of these chapters continues to be a pest because it seems like you're getting nothing done before it switches to the next moment. I'm thinking this chapter and the next could be easily combined, while Chapter 1 could have been fleshed out a bit more. Have more things going on in that one, say the music she listens to, have her talk to one of her friends for gosh sake. Just have those character do something more to keep the story rolling enough to get it down to some meaningful conversation down here. I'm hoping the next chapter has a bit more emotion to keep the story going otherwise this getting tiresome already.
2. The dialogue is okay, not bad but not great either. The tags don't always seem necessary to me and some of it just seems a bit plain for the situation. I don't know but none of this seems realistic to me, it's all sort of like middle school imaginary romance, not something that would actually happen. Perhaps it's just my experience with middle school but this seems really fantasized and most pre-teen dramas have a stronger hold in real world drama.
1. Alright, the dialogue needs a little more separation from the text because these mixtures are really starting to bug me. You have these scene descriptions of what's going on with their faces and eyes, but I really think they need shifted down a line. That's just my way of looking at dialogue, everything sounds better when it's separated for full emotional effect. Just thought I should throw that in there.
This is all really starting to repeat and drag so I'm not going to copy anymore of the bits of chapters down here. My comments on those chapters are also most likely going to be repetitions of my other comments so I think that's my cue to take a hike.
Good luck and good day to you.
Lizz
37 review to go
This is Castor dropping in for a review! I saw a few chapters of this still in the Green Room, so I decided to give it a look! Firstly, I apologize if this review sounds blunt or even a little weird; it's been a looong time since I've actually sat down to write out a long critique of a work.
Let's get started, shall we?
Starting from the first chapter, it's really clear that there's a lot of telling going on as opposed to showing or letting the reader infer anything. We're told that Brent and Emily are best friends, we're told that it's only one month into 8th grade, we're told that he's moving away. While telling the reader things outright isn't terrible, it can get really boring rather quickly. There's so much more that can be done with letting a scene unfold before your reader's eyes.
For instance, instead of being outright told that Brent and Emily are best friends, the reader could be shown that Emily is fiddling with the friendship bracelet that Brent gave her when they were in 4th grade. The bus could go by his house and she could describe the moving van, the boxes on the lawn, and the 'for sale' sign being put up. Character dialogue that Emily picks up on could clue the reader to what month it is, as with descriptions of what the weather was like. Letting the scene develop also allows for more character interaction and a chance for a distinct character voice to shine through. Is Emily observant or does she tend to let a lot of things go over her head? Is she miffed that her friends didn't notice her quietness, or is she too wrapped up in her own thoughts to care?
Again, expanding on that line could allow for more of Emily's personality to shine through. Does she tend to get anxious when it comes to her friends or is this just brought up because Brent is moving? (Lines like these can cause character conflict and conflict can drive the story!)
Get where, exactly? I honestly can't tell if both narrators are being vague as to where Brent is moving for narrative reasons or if he's moving for the sake of causing character conflict, without any real thought as to where he's moving to. Is it too painful for anyone to bring up why he has to move in the beginning of the school year or is it something else?
A question I have from a stylistic standpoint is: "is all this POV switching really necessary?" Do we need to see just two paragraphs from Britny's POV and do we really need to see just one paragraph from Sasha's POV? They bring nothing new to the story, add in very little to the developing plot, and just seem to repeat what we already know from Emily's POV. It would be different if these characters had distinct voices but these all sound the same in their inner-thoughts
[Small note: before posting, it might be best to look over this for any small typos. I've run into about three so far, but they're pretty noticeable and can be spotted with a quick edit!]
Moving on to chapter two, the switch in points of view still seems pretty redundant. The dialogue is the exact the same, there's very little character insight. Even though they're both different perspectives, they still both offer almost the same type of sentiment from the same scene. So again, I ask, "is all this switching really necessary?"
(And again, it happens in chapter three. Same dialogue, similar character insights. Nothing new happens from what was previously told to the reader in the previous perspective.)
I added in an apostrophe (its is possessive and it's is "it is". English is weird and confusing) and pointed out the change from first person to third person.
The appeal for separate points of view does stick out in chapter four, although the summary of things that already happened in those first paragraphs in Sasha's POV and Brent's POV feel superfluous, although I'd be willing to give in that they do set up where that character is before moving on.
I think this story might be stronger with one or maybe two viewpoint characters and only switching maybe once per chapter or every other chapter.
I know I talked about showing and not telling earlier but just in case my explanation wasn't clear, then here's an article on the subject! And here's a blog post about it! Really, telling isn't terrible, but it all comes down to moderation and what flows in writing. With practice, it becomes easier!
I don't really have that much more to say, although I do plan on reviewing more chapters. If you have any questions or comments, then feel free to reply. I hope this helps!
Best,
Castor
Thank you so much! I definitely have to edit this, and this really helps.
Hey there, Sky! It's Katrina Kimberly here! I finally stopped being so lazy and came to write a review!
Before we get started you just have to know that I always love your writing and will continue to look forward to more. I have read all the chapters, but for this review I'll will stick to the first five to avoid spoiling the other chapters for people who haven't yet had the pleasure to read the rest.
). Anyway, awesome start, really introduces some of our main characters. I really appreciate how you took the time to show each characters perspective, as it really gives the reader a good feel for what's truly occouring.
On to the review! As I often do, I will split this one up by chapter!
•Chapter One:
Awesome begging to a great story! The only things I would change are a few of these grammar errors. The first one is in the third sentence. You start the sentence with "Its", but you forgot the apostrophe! Only a few sentences later, Emily says, '"You can do this, your Emily Baker."' (Or something along those lines). Make sure to use "you're" instead of "your".
Then, you start the third paragraph with some unneeded quotation marks. In paragraph four you say "OI walk off the bus", I'm pretty sure you meant "I". However, those were the only mistakes I found in chapter one and they were pretty tiny ones. Maybe Emily sometimes makes little grammar mistakes ;p (I'm just teasing
•Chapter Two
Here we are, chapter two! Just one little writing mistake. Near the end of Emily's POV, it says "she responded", I believe it should've been, "I responded". But that's the only mistake I found for the whole chapter!
•Chapter Three
Awww, this chapter gave me the feels! They finally talked to each other before it was too late, I'm very happy this happened! The only suggestion I have for this section is to fix the few times where you said "lose", and change it to "loose". Besides this minor error, I found this chapter to be a wonderful one that really shows how the characters truly felt towards each other, besides the doubts that they had.
I've run out of time, though I promise to finish the last two chapters ASAP! I loved this writing pierce and feel that it could be made even better with just a few quick edits! I enjoyed reading each and every one of these chapters and do hope that you will post more soon. I will definitely make sure to review every section! Thank you for sharing your awesome stories, i hope you found my suggestions to be helpful. I look forward to reading more!
Best of wishes,
Your friend Kat
Thank you so so so much!!! <3 It really made my day to read this because I'm so glad you like my work. If you ever need anything reviewed just let me know
Love it! I'm going to finish reading all of the chapters, then I'll write a review!!
Aww, thank you so much! I'm really glad you like it.