Ah-ha—! That's a good poem.
It has subtlety,
complexity,
diction, originality...
It is just a good poem.
Ah,
but...
too complex to be appreciated.
If I were to enter it in a contest, it would surely not win.
Oh, the crooning!:
"Bah, it's too difficult...
...too modern!"
"The words— too long!
...reprehensible—!"
"It follows no structure...
...so blunt— garish!"
"It's not even so much as iambic pentameter!"
"There is nothing impressive in this!"
FUUUUUUUUUUUUlly-despicable, you
foolish old crones.
I cannot help
what is in
my head...
What is beyond my own love,
but still my passion;
my abhorrence.
My mind: incorrigible,
filling all the time —
sometimes words; sometimes code
— hell, sometimes just
thoughts!
It builds, and overflows,
and...
Like it is spilling
onto asphalt
it dissolves and
evaporates and
just percolates again
and leaves a different orifice this time
or in a different way...
Tepid water
surging
through the floodgates
of my overflowing mind.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
I read this out loud in the voice and the way I thought it should be read, which just made the poem even more amazing. The spaces and lines that you used to separate sentences from each other and especially making certain words bigger then the other words made it a whole lot better. I don't have much to say because the reviewers below me have already said it and what good does it do to repeat them? I do wish that it ended a little bit better, just because the poem itself seemed as though it went to the climax in your story and then it just ended, not really much of a trail downward, if that makes sense. But other then that, I really enjoyed reading this humorous poem of irony
You will quite surely raise to fame, for you have unlocked the secret of success in the poetic world: and that is telling everyone how brilliant you are. It worked for Carol Anne Duffy, I don't see why it shouldn't work for you.
What I particularly like about this poem is the formatting. Usually I loathe fancy formatting, however here where you have put it just about seems to rhythmically fit. Particularly in the points of pondering, with the ellipses, there your formatting is particularly impressive.
However I think you require some sort of Coda on the end. This should just about rap up the poem, as it is you seem to have left a sort of hanging edge usually allocated to poems of loss or just general whinging. Just a couple of final lines should just about do it.
Yours in reviewing,
The Fiend.
Hi there, Skor!
This line feels pretty redundant, considering it's so close to the first line that says basically the same thing. Omit this line and skip right into the next part.I like this, but it's always really difficult for me to review meta pieces like this. A poem that talks about the poem itself. It makes my brain hurt! But I'll try. Just for you.
While I really enjoy unique formats, I think that you should reevaluate why you used the formatting in this way. Is it to make it better, to reinforce the ideas or the speakers of the dialogue? Look at every time you indented a line. Does it make the poem better? Just something to think about.
This feels a little clunky. Try making it simpler by saying "it wouldn't win." The simpler statement makes the narrator sound more sure that it won't win.
This isn't a criticism as much as a comment. I've never seen that combination of punctuation in literature before and it makes me feel weird inside.
Can I call you Emperor of Ellipses? ^_^ But really, you do use a lot of them throughout the whole poem. An ellipse is for rare use, and I think that you should cut down on using them quite so much. I can understand them in the dialogue more than the rest of the poem, but there are still a lot more than are comfortable. Ellipses are like spices. Don't put too much in, or you'll ruin the food!
I don't understand why those two words are in italics. I find it very hard when I am speaking to stress two words in a row, and it feels really odd to me. Also, I don't know why either of those have to be italicized in the first place.
I'd take that comma out. It's weird.
The tone changes from articulate scholar to... I don't know what, but you might want to look at how abruptly the tone changes here and either change this section to more uniformly reflect the tone in the rest of the poem, or make the change a little more gradual.
This is my favorite part. It's lovely, skor.
The repetition of water: does it serve a purpose? If not, take it out. Also, I'm not a big fan of things like "the leaky faucet of my mind" or "the ocean of my pain" or whatever is "of" something. It feels cheaper and a little tacky that way. Perhaps rephrase it like this: :water spills from my mind, as leaky as an old faucet." Or something like that.
Altogether, I like your concept, and I did really like the imagery you used near the end, and the jaunty, educated tone you wield near the beginning of the piece. I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy poeting!
This was great. A+ from me.
I enjoyed the visiual style of the writing and its curvyness. Addes to the cerebral message. I am a lover of language and words like "orifice" "tepid" and "percolate". I rarly get to see in poems anymore. I dont really understand the "FUUUUUUUUUUUUU..." part though.
Welcome to YWS.
It's often by accident I visually structure my poetry. But I'm very glad you liked it.
You should let me know if you'd like something reviewed. I think I'd like that.
And if you liked the vocabulary... Well, I'm full of it.
~Skorlir
It is brilliant!!! Why? Because it was you who wrote it. In other words what you were trying to say the structure in a poem should mean very little compared to the message you are trying to convey, and if you can do that then it's a success. Though most people don't see it that way. So the other thing you're trying to say is that it doesn't matter if other people see it that way you only care about how you see it, and the people that can look past it say, right? Or maybe it's that creativity should have no bounds. Of course it depend on your style, if something you wrote wasn't meant to have a structure then it stands to reason that the person who commented on the lack of one has weight on the matter. Anyways lovely poem!!! Keep calm and write on!!!! =^_^=
Hah. Thanks for giving it thought!
Hello skorlir!
This poem does actually seem to follow a pattern at points, but that's not always what I look for. I look for the meaning, which is quite apparent in this piece. On that note: This is a great poem! It seems that you wrote everything in a zig-zag pattern, I'm not sure if that has a secret meaning, but I think it's cool. Keep it up!
~Kelpies.
Thanks for the comment!