Published November 17, 2009
Poetry isn't really a strength of mine, but I thought I would try it out. This poem I wrote was inspired by my favorite movie "Stand By Me."
When I looked in those cold dead eyes
It was then I finally realized.
I didn't know why I couldn't see
The hellish way you treated me
Was not a matter of respect:
How I was seen as second best.
I always thought my world was dim
Whenever I was missing him.
Help me turn that darkness light;
I need your arms to hold me tight.
Now, please believe me when I say:
I hope you will love me one day.
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hmm i never saw the movie...but i'd like for this peom to go into more detail about how it hurt you... why do want this person with you so much... and expand on that... why are you seen as second best ? how does being seen as second best affect you... who is this person anyways ? where did the person go ?
sorry if not all my questions are well stupid haha...
pm me if you need anything.
also what they said... you should write about something else other than love...
Maybe walking to the bus stop ?
of eating a slice of cake ? lol...just some ideas...
Kamas here.
As I am on an iPod, I'll only give you my two cents. I apologize.
Now as Classy said. Not very original, it's nothing new. But it isn't your fault! Let me explain:
When people are new to poetry, they tend to default to something. Most commonly, love poems.
Why love poems? Because it is something everyone experiences in any shape or form. So everyone has experienced it, and love is an extremely strong emotion. People tend to think of it as their safe haven in poetry. You will occasionally find a marvellous love poem but most of the time it's the same thing. But the best poems emerge when you get out of that safe haven and write something different, create a new default for yourself.
For example, I like to think my default is war poetry. Not the happiest thing but I'm comfortable writing it. Some people lean to poems about death, others about nature, or the lucky ones about anything really.
For someone who isn't strong in poetry, you have a nice grasp of what is in a good poem. You just need to break out and show your colors. I hope to see more from you soon.
Just get out of the over used love poetry and you have some great potential I'm sure you could use to blow us away.
Hope you have a lovely time on YWS and feel free to PM me if you need anything
Hope this made at least a tiny bit of sense xD
~ Kamas
First of all, nice poem. You have used the words and rhymes to give the reader exactly the kind of sadness you want to give, and the longing. And also, inspiration is one of key things in poem writing. A person can pour his/her heart out in a poem, or describe about something that had inspired them.
I have only one thing to correct
Shouldn't it be 'When I looked into those cold dead eyes'?
Well, as I've said before, nice poem. You have some talent.
Good luck.
That...movie...was...so...sad!
Anyways, I liked this, thought its not very original. Your fist line is about as cliche as it goes. It's hard to write original poetry because so many things have been used, but you have to find your own personal voice. Your own personal way of saying things!
~Classy