Note: This poem is meant to be read aloud.
Rated PG-13 due to language
why is he in love with the mechanical bride
nuts and bolts trail her every trail
churning, yearing, wheels turning
clunking, cranking, combustion burning
the mechanical bride
i do not operate or compute like her
input command output response input, input
without question, without attitude, without love
your perfect woman, servant, slave, machine
your mechanical wife
has quite some life
yes she requires her annual check up
fine tune repairs so she doesn't fuck up
- that's what i used to do
prisoner to your superiorty
trying so hard to obey your authority
you were controlling every part of me
but i'm not your mechanical bride
that bitch you're with now
she'll comply to what you ask
not a thought in her head, she'll end up-
dead
disfunctional, short-circuited and slowly
shut down
like i did
fuck your motorized bride
with her metal tits and cold cunt
because after mechanical sex
and preset kisses you find yourself
alone under the sheets with nothing
but naked steel to carass
no beating heart
no love in her eyes
just you and your mechanical bride
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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The repetative use of mechanical bride is, i agree, annoying to read but as previously mentioned, this is more or less, a spoken poem and the overuse of that word was intentional. Not only to emphasis the subject matter but to clash consonants together and get a reaction out of the audience, each time it is being use, the meaning changes, whether or not people got that notion is probably miscommunication on my behalf. As for it not being a "nice" poem, I don't do nice poetry, beauty of the world or at least not with the context i was addressing. More or less I am looking for actual suggestions to improve the poem in terms of aggressive narrative and not so much about conventional observational poetry. Still by all means appreciate the comments.
I think it was pretty good, but I agree with Galatea..this just sounds like whining and moaning about the new woman in the man's life.
I liked the beginning..you explained the mechanical bride (and overused her name, like xanthan gum said), but did not moan/whine at all. Then as you went along you got angry/frusterated and started to take it all on us readers..
Many people who read poetry won't find this poem very nice to read, since poetry is supposed to sooth us or help us understand the beauty of the world.
-*Shimmer
um...overuse of the word "trail"
and you used the term "mechanical bride" too much. it was poetic to begin with, but then you just used it on every reference to her, which exhausted the wordy term and sort of killed that feeling i first felt upon hearing it.
It starts good, nice and metaphorical, intreguing with a good rythm. Then we get to "has quite some life" (which is a bad bad rhyme and it ought to be killed) and the piece falls apart. I don't know what else to say. Can you turn the pain of this rejection outward and continue on the road of societal observation, or must you muck around in the hurt, muddle your intentions and simply frustrate the hell out of your readers. I expected a mature observation on the industrialization of the female, not a whine about 'that other woman'. I would recommend using your own experiences to make the facinating comparison between woman and machine.