The Lemon-Yellow Sun
A sip of tangy-sweetness.
Cold golden delight
With a crisp scent that makes you
Feel the sticky black asphalt,
Melting under the gingham
Table cloth. Surrounded by
Cool green-black shade under the
Eucalyptus tree in bloom.
Mosquitoes flitting around
You, like flies to honey.
Dripping skin, heavy syrup
Saturated from last night’s
Rain, air sagging with liquid.
Then falling down to the earth.
Sun-cracked dirt oozing, moist mud.
Soft terra cotta honey.
Combined with the smell of the
Dusk air, and the stars across
The blue-purple sky. Like facets,
On tin foil only creased
Once before. Used on the day
Heat was a sponge in the sky,
Sucking up all sanity.
Without movement, stagnant sloth.
Enveloping even the dark.
Hallways lined with pastel walls.
Landscapes, snapshots of the sea.
Corners bursting with sunshine
During the day. Lemon juice
Glow, citrus sparkle, gold rind.
Strangely dark, lifeless at night.
Blanketed with the thick fog
Of gray, spider-web shadows.
No reminders of day time.
Heat with happy, joyful shouts.
Lemonade is a mirage.
When drunk at night, unreal sun.
Risen above a glass of
Bleak night-time, lunar desert.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Thank you so much for all of your suggestions!
I totally agree! I have reworked this poem in many ways, and I added punctuation where it was needed. Hopefully I have done a fairly good job of being consistent about it!
I tried running back through and breaking up the lines. Each line is 7 syllables each now. I know I probably didn't need to be THAT exact, but it is better to over-do it and be consistent about it than to randomly fix verse length. I don't really think I over-did it, though. I think it flows better now, but let me know what you think about my changes please!
When I first read this point, I was not really sure what you meant. Now that I have edited the poem, I know what you are saying. I drifted away from my topic of heat and the sun and dwelled on other aspects that, while interesting to write, detracted from the poem's point.
I cut just about all of my extra words out when I evened out the verse length.
Thank you again so much for your suggestions! I hope this new draft of my poem follows your suggestions well! Please let me know what you think about the changes if you get the chance.
welcome to YWS.
Bad idea to write your review in WORD. LOL... But I can tell you that I was looking for older works who haven't been reviewed yet so I found yours...
1. You have a major problem with punctuation. Put a period somewhere or a comma if it's needed.
2. Your verses are too long. They just aren't the same. One is short and the next one is a contrast to the previous.
3. In some points you got too far from a subject.
4. You have many unnecessary words like "and, but,...". They're in wrong place in your poem.
5. Best of luck.