historical fiction story i had to write for history[duhh] in 6th grade ill take any comments...let the story begin 
“It’s time for dinner!” Rashidi’s mom yelled while she was standing in the doorway.
“Can Akiiki stay for dinner?” Rashidi asked. You could clearly tell that Rashidi was very hungry, but he wouldn’t leave without Akiiki coming to.
“I suppose,” Rashidi’s mother said. She was a plump young woman with a sweet heart. She had light brown hair and dark brown eyes. She was a stay at home mom. But still worked hard.
Rashidi didn’t look much like his mom. He was a skinny 11 year old boy. He was a pretty normal kid, he hated school and played sports, kid stuff.
When they got inside Rasidi’s father was already sitting at the table. The house smelled great because of the incense. “I have some very important news to tell you,” he said, his voice lowering, “I went to King Tut’s temple today, out of order, and he told me,” his voice getting even lower, “that I have to… go to war and fight the Nubian’s, they are planning to destroy the sphinx.” The room was silent for a second.
“That’s horrible,” said Rashidi’s mother. Her face was full of concern.
The news went through Rashidi’s head he ran to his room slamming the door behind him.
The next morning wasn’t better at all. On top of his father going to war, he had to go to a new school. He couldn’t see any of his friends anymore. (Other than Akiiki who lived close enough that they could keep in touch.)
Rashidi got up out of bed stretched his arms and legs and went into the living room. The smell of eggs and flat bread filled the room.
“Are you going to eat breakfast?” asked his mother.
“I guess,” he said.
“Are you going to be ok?”
“Probably not, but I’ll get over it,” Rashidi sighed. He hoped it was all a dream but he began to realize it wasn’t.
After breakfast he got changed and started off for a new school, dodging the camels and carriages along the way.
For once in his life Rashidi didn’t know where he was going.
Sooner or later he found himself lost in the desert, not knowing where to go. Staring blankly into the skies as if someone was going to come down and rescue him.
The hot sand started burning his feet as if he had no shoes on at all.
Hours passed and he had finally started to see the city, it was so small you could barely see it, but it was there.
“I’m home at last, yes!” He was yelling so loud you could hear him from miles away.
Running as fast as he could his feet hitting the ground so hard that he had to be in pain.
He didn’t care at all not one bit. All he wanted to do was get home.
Suddenly not watching his feet he tripped over a rock and fell into an abandoned ditch. Falling down. It was all happening so fast, his life flashing before his eyes. The rock, the ditch, the desert, the city, his father…his father. All of the sudden THUD he hit the ground falling unconscious.
The sound of hooves woke Rashidi up. Since he wasn’t fully conscious yet he didn’t know what it was.
“Rashidi!!!”
What was it, the sound sounded so familiar. His father.
“Dad, dad I’m in here,” the galloping stopped. Rashidi’s dad pulled him out of the ditch.
“Oh my gosh, we were so worried,” his mother said nearly in tears.
“I’m fine,” he said, “so dad did they destroy the sphinx?”
“No they only got the nose.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Well I’m glad you guys are both safe and back home,” Rashidi’s mother said, “so how about some lamb chops?”
“Ok,” Rashidi and his father said at the same time.
All of the sudden the door burst open. It was Akiiki. “Guess what?” he yelled.
Rashidi stood up, “What!?”
“I get to go to the school you’re going to!”
“Woohoo!”
The day ended great. The family (and friends) were back together again.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
umm i think she have me like a 90 or somethin.
WOW siri. that was good. what did Mrs. Pantages give you for that one??
hahaha. woww. tht was tight.
Either combine these sentences or use different beginnings for each sentence.
Use different words at the beginning or combine the sentences.
Try to use another word besides got.
There should be a comma after inside.
Use another word besides getting.
This could easily be two sentences.
There should be a period after head and he should be capitalized.
There should be a comma after room.
If you use another word besides got, you can describe more things.
There should be a comma after bed and legs.
There should be a comma after dream.
Use another word besides got.
There is no subject in this sentence.
This could be two sentences.
This isn't a complete sentence.
There should be a comma after feet and rock.
Use italics for thud, not capitals.
Use another word besides got.
Use another word besides get.
Overall, the story is good. Keep on writing.
uuhh siri? The British were the ones who shot the phixes nose off...not the Nubians.....
I CANT WAIT UNTIL WESTMINISTER WOODS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know if this is supposed to be funny...but it is....what was it: "so dad, did they get the spinx?"
"no, they only got the nose." !!!!!!!!!! That is the funniest thing ever! Okay...here's a quick editorial....
“It’s time for dinner!” Rashidi’s mom yelled while she was standing in the doorway.
“Can Akiiki stay for dinner?” Rashidi asked. [s]You could clearly tell that Rashidi was very hungry, but he wouldn’t leave without Akiiki coming to.[/s]
That's just odd. I don't know what it is..if your changing tense or something but i wouldn't put it that way if I were you. Maybe: Clearly Rashisi was very hungry, but ......"
“I suppose,” Rashidi’s mother said. She was a plump young woman with a sweet heart. She had light brown hair and dark brown eyes. [s]She was a stay at home mom[/s]. But still worked hard.
Is this egyption? If so..."a stay at home mum?" everyone's mum would have stayed at home!!!
[s]Rashidi didn’t look much like his mom. He was a skinny 11 year old boy. He was a pretty normal kid, he hated school and played sports, kid stuff.[/s]
a bit iffy....personal opinion: re-write!
When they got inside Rasidi’s father was already sitting at the table. The house smelled great because of the incense. “I have some very important news to tell you,” he said, his voice lowering, “I went to King Tut’s temple today, out of order, and he told me,” his voice getting even lower, “that I have to… go to war and fight the Nubian’s, they are planning to destroy the sphinx.” The room was silent for a second.
“That’s horrible,” said Rashidi’s mother. Her face was full of concern.
Try: "That's horrible," said Rashidi's mother, her face full of concern. Less stagnented!!!
The news went through Rashidi’s head he ran to his room slamming the door behind him.
The next morning wasn’t better at all. On top of his father going to war, he had to go to a new school. He couldn’t see any of his friends anymore. (Other than Akiiki who lived close enough that they could keep in touch.)
Rashidi got up out of bed stretched his arms and legs and went into the living room. The smell of eggs and flat bread filled the room.
“Are you going to eat breakfast?” asked his mother.
“I guess,” he said.
“Are you going to be ok?”
“Probably not, but I’ll get over it,” Rashidi sighed. He hoped it was all a dream but he began to realize it wasn’t.
After breakfast he got changed and started off for a new school, dodging the camels and carriages along the way.
For once in his life Rashidi didn’t know where he was going.
Sooner or later he found himself lost in the desert, not knowing where to go. Staring blankly into the skies as if someone was going to come down and rescue him.
The hot sand started burning his feet as if he had no shoes on at all.
Hours passed and he had finally started to see the city, it was so small you could barely see it, but it was there.
“I’m home at last, yes!” He was yelling so loud you could hear him from miles away.
Running as fast as he could his feet hitting the ground so hard that he had to be in pain.
He didn’t care at all not one bit. All he wanted to do was get home.
Suddenly not watching his feet he tripped over a rock and fell into an abandoned ditch. Falling down. It was all happening so fast, his life flashing before his eyes. The rock, the ditch, the desert, the city, his father…his father. [s]All of the sudden [/s]THUD he hit the ground falling unconscious.
Cut that: more dramatic and kind of comic!!!
The sound of hooves woke Rashidi up. Since he wasn’t fully conscious yet he didn’t know what it was.
“Rashidi!!!”
What was it, the sound sounded so familiar. His father.
“Dad, dad I’m in here,” the galloping stopped. Rashidi’s dad pulled him out of the ditch.
“Oh my gosh, we were so worried,” his mother said nearly in tears.
“I’m fine,” he said, “so dad did they destroy the sphinx?”
“No they only got the nose.”
“That’s good to know.”
“Well I’m glad you guys are both safe and back home,” Rashidi’s mother said, “so how about some lamb chops?”
“Ok,” Rashidi and his father said at the same time.
All of the sudden the door burst open. It was Akiiki. “Guess what?” he yelled.
Rashidi stood up, “What!?”
“I get to go to the school you’re going to!”
“Woohoo!”
The day ended great. The family (and friends) were back together again.[/quote]
Ends a bit abruptly but overall it's good!!! I just love the comment about the nose: I cracked up!!!!