I looked up at the clock and watched as the seconds ticked down.
He should be arriving sometime soon because he is very punctual.
Right as the clock struck seven o’clock, he walked in. The sun gone, it had disappeared over the mountains a few hour ago
“Miss Amity, how are you doing today?” I just shrugged. I don’t feel terrible, which I find strange because of the fact I’m in a hospital that stinks of disinfectant, it smelt clean. Different from the chemical smell of The School.
I shuddered at the thought if that place, but then a pain in my chest.
They all just left me. I know they didn’t want to, but I was not well to fly and I’ve been bedridden for months. The only reason how I know they are alive is twin intuition. I can still feel Fang’s presence. It seems fine, untouched and unharmed so I only assume they are all okay.
“I’m doing just fine Dr Elric.” I said, not realizing how long I spaced out for though I usually get this way.
I just feel so alone. They left me in this country. All I know is that the name is, Amestris and I was dropped off at this hospital. Once they knew I had to be here because of that injection that Eraser gave me, they ended up leaving. Fang did not go without a fight and I knew it was a hard decision, for all of them, but it was the best.
“May I ask what you’re thinking about, Amity?” He asked, curiosity creeping into his voice. “You always seem to be lost inside your own little world and you definitely aren’t very talkative. The nurses tell me you won’t even talk to them.” I just shrugged.
“I was thinking about my family.” Max, Iggy, Gazzy, Angel, Dylan and of course, Fang.
“I will surely get in touch if you have-” I waved my hand, dismissing the idea.
There is no way to get ahold of them. I probably will never see them again.
“There is no reason. They are long gone, don’t bother.” I faked a smile and he looked truly shocked.
“Though it was very far from being genuine, I have never seen a smile from you.” He said and felt my forehead. “Can we please get a cat scan and x ray?” He called to a nurse walking by. I felt my body start to tense up.
“No.” I growled lowly. Are they like experiments? They have tried to make me get these before, but I have not because of the fear The School has left me.
“Someone injected you with bleach. You should be dead.” I just growled and scrunched my nose up.
I wish I was.
“You are getting checked.” He said, sternly.
Yeah, he’s a Doctor that is cute as sin, but there is no way I will ever get these done. He grabbed my arm and I yanked it back.
“I said no!” I yelled and my wings stretched out. His eyes widened in shock and I quickly pulled them back to my body. Only one nurse knows and I wipe her mind every time she sees them again.
“Alphonse!” He yelled and a boy in a suit of armor walked in.
“Yes brother?” The Alphonse boy said.
“Look at her.” Elric quickly closed the door and shut the blinds. So nobody could see, but them. “Amity, please can you show my brother.” I felt quite uncomfortable.
“Fine, how about I show you something first.” My Doctor took of his gloves to reveal a hand made of metal. My curiosity was sparked and I had to touch it. I pulled his sleeve up and it went all the way to his shoulder.
“Oh my God. Did someone experiment on you to?” I asked and he looked at me shocked.
“This is what I get for trying to bring back the dead. The biggest taboo in alchemy and the little, naïve Elric boys did it.” I swallowed hard. “This is what I deserve, but someone did this to you?” I just nodded.
“I don’t mean to interrupt, but what are we talking about, Edward?” Alphonse asked. I was being looked at by them. Edward Elric, my doctor and Alphonse Elric, his brother. They are… Alchemists?
What the hell… But I guess who am I to judge? I’m a freak with wings.
I must’ve been looking at Alphonse warily because next thing I knew Ed had taken off his helmet. My eyes widened when I did not see anyone in it.
“Oh my fucking God…” I mumbled as I looked at the weird symbol in the armor. I went to touch it, but my hand was slapped my Ed’s.
“It’s my blood and if it washes away Al could be lost forever.” I pulled my hand back to me.
This is so… Serious. It’s really scary too.
When they situated Alphonse again, they just waited.
I took a deep breath in and slowly stretched my wings out. It kinda hurt since I haven’t for so long. Both boys just watched me I moved them gently.
“You can fly?” Alphonse asked and I nodded. “That’s so cool! Brother, I wanna fly!” I laughed at his whiny voice.
How strange. A little boy stuck in a suit of armor that is far too big for him.
How very interesting these Elrics are.
“Have you ever heard of the Philosopher stone?” I shook my head no and they seemed torn, but told me what they knew.
After the long explanation of what the stone was, what it can do and why they needed it. I felt the urge to get one.
Iggy could have his eyesight again… He wouldn’t have to feel so left out. He would be able to see the world and not have to rely on us so much. I know how much he hates it...
“But since you don’t know anything about it, we will be on our way.” He turned and I grabbed his arm.
“Please let me accompany you.” I begged.
Was it because I wanted to find the stone for Iggy? Was it the fear I felt in this place because of the resemblance of The School? Or is it the attraction I feel towards the shorter Elric?
“No.” I was shocked that he was so blunt.
“Come on, Brother.” Alphonse said. “You always said how she hates it here. How lonely she looks. How scared she feels. She has a reason to come with us. She could help.” I nodded.
“I won’t be bothersome.” I said and he looked behind his shoulder at me.
A moment of silence followed and then he just turned back.
“She’s your responsibility, Al.” He said, walking away. “Get her some clothes and then come get me. I need to go talk to the Colonel.”
“Okay.” Al said, his voice sounding happy.
When Ed left, I spoke up.
“He’s not a doctor?” Al’s laugh pierced the quiet air.
“No. Edward would never be able to live that life.” He went out and when he came back in he had a sweatshirt and shorts. I took them, with a thank you. I grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer and cut to slits in the back of the hoodie, I slipped it on and tested it out. Making sure my wings could fit through them. I slipped on the shorts and then when Al was ready. We started off to a huge building.
“Why was Ed my Doctor then?” I asked and Al stopped walking for a second.
“He was just intrigued by you.” He continued walking after that and I followed, my wings folded close to my back. “My brother may seem like an ass, but he’s nice.”
I just thought that over. He was so kind as my Doctor, but now… It’s different. Is it because of my wings?
You have more important things to worry about! I mentally yelled at myself. Are you going to be able to take the Philosopher stone from these boys?
Am I?
I have to. It’s for Iggy… Surely he deserves it more.
We walked in silence, Al’s metal suit the only sound ringing in my ears.
Could I honestly take away a normal life for this boy?
At least Iggy is use to being blind…
I didn’t notice all stop and ran into him, falling on my ass and grabbing my face.
“Goddamn! That fucking hurt!” I growled. “Bloody hell, Alphonse.”
“So this is Amity?” My head snapped to a man who looked to be in his late twenties if not mid. He was cute. Like… Ed cute.
“I may be.” I growled and he laughed.
“My, she is as feisty as you Fullmetal.” Ed just pouted. The man turned his attention back towards me. “I am Colonel Roy Mustang and I heard you are a… Interesting girl.”
“God, big mouth for such a little guy.” I retorted and Ed gripped the front of my shirt.
“I’m not little! You are the same height as me!” I just laughed.
“Yes, but I’m a girl.” His face went red and he just pushed me away.
“Will you come in and show me? I am quite intrigued.” I just put my hands up.
“I am not an exhibit.” He just laughed.
“No you are not.” He said. “I will show you what I can do.”
I went to shoot down the offer, but he added.
“And I will add in where a Philosopher stone sighting was.” I just growled and waited. He just smiled and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “This way, Miss.”
“Fucking pervert.” I heard Ed growl.
What did I get myself into? Goddamn…
We walked up stairs and around corners, everyone looking at me strangely.
He opened a door and gestured me in. I slowly walked in.
"I heard you have wings." Well he gets right to the point.
“Maybe I do.” He just laughed.
“Maybe? How is that a maybe?” I just shrugged.
“If I do?” His eyes widened.
“Oh! You think I’m going to do something? Like auction you off?” Fuck.
“Whatever.” I extended my wings again; they slightly ached from the neglect for months.
“And you can fly?” I nodded uncomfortably. He reached his hand out to touch them, but I pulled them back as if making a stroke to fly. I heard a door open, but didn’t pull my wings back in time. I turned, my eyes wide with horror.
At the door was another attractive man, who was wearing glasses.
GOD! What is with all these sexy guys in this fucking place!
“Colonel…” He sounded a bit scared and I quickly pulled them back to my body.
Freak. Weirdo. Mutant Freak.
Names ran through my head. Why can’t I simply be normal?
“Okay. I’m sorry. I can’t not ask.” He looked at me. “Were those wings?” I nodded slowly, pulling them back out a little. He walked behind me and touched my backs where they met. He rubbed gently and I sighed in content.
Fang use to do this all the time. He was such a loving brother.
“How very interesting.” The man mumbled.
“Maybe you should introduce yourself.” The Colonel said.
“I’m Maes Hughes.” He said, kindly.
“I’m Amity.” I offered. I don’t have last names like they do.
“Wow, she’s amazing.” I heard Maes say and the Colonel cleared his throat.
“She’s a person, not a thing, Hughes.”
“Do you have anywhere to stay?” I pulled my wings in and shook my head no. “You could always-”
“She’s going to stay with us.” I turned to the door to see Ed and Al. I just gave a small smile.
“Pipsqueak got you.” Colonel said and Ed started going off about being called a pipsqueak. I couldn’t help, but laugh at it. How adorable.
“Go, for it is getting late. Tomorrow report to my office and I will give you the name of the town where the Philosopher stone was noticed.” Colonel said and I nodded.
“Night.” Ed said and walked out. Al and I following.
We walked across the street to a hotel and Ed went upstairs to a room. It had two beds.
“What about Al?” I asked and Ed looked at me.
“Usually, he’d just sit on the other bed, but because you are sharing he’ll just hang out on the couch.” I felt bad and was going to offer him his bed back, but Ed added. “He doesn’t sleep.”
“Oh…” I quietly crawled into bed and snuggled into the sheets. The light went off seconds after.
“Goodnight Al, Ed.” I said and closed my eyes.
“Goodnight Amity.” Al called from his place near the window.
Moments past and I was almost sleeping, but Ed’s voice pierced through the drowsiness,
“Sweet dreams, Amity.”
And with that I was able to fall asleep.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey there
,

I really like the idea you have here; I just have a few suggestions.
On of the first things i noticed about your piece was the sort of haphazard way your story switches from present tense to past tense and back. In my own experience, It's pretty hard to consistently write in present tense for extended works, so maybe that was what was happening here. The reason it's a concern is because this can be disorienting for the reader. It's hard to tell at times if the protagonist is speaking about events that happened before the story began, of if (s)he is just narrating events that are occurring in chronological order, during the story.
An example of tense inconsistency(and some grammar nitpicks as well):
“Miss Amity, how are you doing today?” I just shrugged*(past tense). I don’t*(present) feel*(present) terrible, which I find*(present) strange because of the fact I’m*(present) in a hospital that stinks*(present) of disinfectant, it smelt*(past, should probably be smelled) clean.*(should be one sentence linked with a comma) Different from the chemical smell of The School.
Something a little similar is separating Amity's thoughts with her narration. It seemed sort of random how you broke it up, but one way to clear up both of these problems pretty easily wold be to make all the present tense statements into Amity's personal thoughts, rather than narration, and to put them in italics. Just one option to help the reader understand your story better.
Also I noticed that this story just kind of jumps right into the middle of the action with little exposition or explanation. The reader is left piecing the events leading up to Amity's hospitalization together from the fragmented past you give, almost as an afterthought it feels like. It's confusing and makes it hard to get to know the characters as well as we'd like to. With a more detailed past, the reader will care more about the present events currently happening to your protagonist.
On the topic of being confused, there were a few aspects of this story I personally had trouble understanding. First of all, how did Amity end up in a hospital if she's not injured, or is she recovering from an injury a long time ago, or what is going on there?
Also, if the doctors have been treating her for a while, and it seems like they have the way she talks about the nurses, how have they not seen her wings yet? I assumed they were retractable or something like that, but that might be something you'd want to clear up. I was wondering about all the people who had mutations like Amity does in such high concentration in one place. Is it a hospital/sanctuary for mutants or something?
You sort of addressed this one in the piece, but what is with all the men who just show up knowing things about Amity that the reader hardly even knows? And why is she so willing, though it says she's reluctant, to show them her big secret?
And finally, it'd be nice to have some elaboration on the philosopher stone and what exactly it's capable of doing, so that the reader can get a clearer understanding about why it's so desirable, and why it can only be used by one party (why can't Amity just share with the Elrics?)
Anyway, cool story with definite potential. Keep writing!
Hello, sinningotaku, welcome to this monster of a site-Young Writers Society! Let me know your questions and wonders!
A few little nitpicks in this sentence. 1) This isn't a complete sentence. Maybe put a "had" between "sun" and "gone". 2) "Hour" is "hours". 3) Period after "ago".
"The sun gone, it had disappeared over the mountains a few hour ago"
You need to rephrase this sentence; the ideas are mixed up. Maybe,
"I just shrugged. I don't feel terrible, which I find strange because I'm in a hospital where people die and get sick. The fact that it stinks of disinfectant but smelled clean was strange as well."
Instead of,
"I just shrugged. I don’t feel terrible, which I find strange because of the fact I’m in a hospital that stinks of disinfectant, it smelt clean."
The phrase after the comma is incomplete, and needs an action.
"I shuddered at the thought if that place, but then a pain in my chest."
This sentence is overall confusing, and even if you made it clear "was" is "were".
"All I know is that the name is, Amestris and I was dropped off at this hospital."
And just a few little corrections. "Al" is "all", "Serious" is "serious".
"“It’s my blood and if it washes away Al could be lost forever.” I pulled my hand back to me.
This is so… Serious. It’s really scary too."
"To" in your first sentence is supposed to be "two", "and then" before the second "I", comma in place of the second period, comma in place of the third period.
"I grabbed a pair of scissors from a drawer and cut to slits in the back of the hoodie, I slipped it on and tested it out. Making sure my wings could fit through them. I slipped on the shorts and then when Al was ready. We started off to a huge building."
"Use" is "used".
"At least Iggy is use to being blind…"
"A" is "an".
"“I am Colonel Roy Mustang and I heard you are a… Interesting girl.”"
I liked the ending, and the chapter. I encourage you to keep writing-you're going to need the experience to become an author!
-wisegirl22
Hello so a review coming your way. I think this is very good and can be expanded. However you could have a look at a few things. Some things are a little bit confusing right at the beginning. Why does this person want to be dead? Why was he injected with bleach? Can you describe his family a little more than just saying their names? Maybe some past memories. It's confusing how someone can have wings, a metal hand? I was unclear on whether this is set in a fantasy land or is it like X-men? The Philosophers stone is from Harry Potter. You could try and make up something of your own.
I'm not great a review but there's a few tips for the beginning.