Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a review on an ancient piece because..uhh..the checklist challenge.
First Impression: This is a lovely little starting point for a novel. Establishes a main character quite nicely and shows us a little bit of a conflict to keep us reading on. So nicely done.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Megan pedaled home on her bike with the pink-and-white handlebar streamers. She thought of the hills and homework and babysitting that awaited her, and she sighed heavily. She was 18, a senior, and a proud B-student at West Park High School. She was doing OK.
Whoa that was kind of a rushed sounding info dumpish beginning that you've got there. It was a little too fast paced there. Just maybe slow down that description just a little with the bicyle and maybe a little bit about here surroundings because otherwise even though I can't put a finger on it it just sounds really rushed.
It is true that Megan had failed to earn her driver’s license; a sin against Americanism that forced her, to the consternation of her staid conservative parents, to pedal everyday through the ‘Mexican ghetto’ while in the bloom of young womanhood.
Well that doesn't sound like a good situation to be in.
While Megan’s parents minded this, Megan didn’t so much. Riding home from school was her special time to shut off her school brain and enjoy the breeze that rustled the maples and ran cool fingers through her pink-beribboned hair. When she recognized this little bit of fearlessness in herself, she chuckled a bit. And they say Mormon girls are all the same!
This is a nice touch of her personality that we are getting a glimpse of. Definitely nice to see in the first chapter of a novel.
Megan sped past her, but her legs gloomily ceased their work, and she slowed to a crawl. Guilt, which is the pimp of all dutiful Mormon women, tapped Megan on the shoulder and tugged at her Anna and Elsa backpack. Guilt silently reminded Megan of her obligation to be kind at this girl she hadn’t seen for three years.
Umm nice subtle reference to the backpack there. The litle details really do help and in this case with Megan's emotions also playing a part that one helps out a little extra.
Kathryn, as Megan remembered, had been dour and doughy, with owlish round glasses. Now she was trim, in a very flattering striped top, and using some trendy black wire frames. But that was far less shocking than the way her skin glowed with health, the way her small heart-shaped lips smiled often, and the way her clear, dark eyes captured Megan in their steady gaze.
When she found her voice again, Megan said, “Hi.”
Well that does sound like a super dramatic transformation. Good description there again. Definitely a wonderful place to stop a chapter too. Makes you want to find out what happens next and that's of course what you need from a chapter.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall like I said earlier it was a really nice opening chapter. I don't think I've got many things to suggest for improvement besides that tiny thing in the opening. Overall Great Job!!
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 253113
Reviews: 4094
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