Published August 5, 2008
You've Tripped Into A Deep Abyss
Strangling in white sheets
Wrists wrapped in metal
Body forced downwards
You're running out of breath
You've no control, you've lost
Crying so loud that sirens seem silent
This is your chosen home now
This bed he's tucked you in
No, buried you in
And "is there hope?" does not remotely exist-
It's a dead piece of a once hopeful and playful imagination
Your eyes circle the body that your sad soul now wears
And it kills you how terribly far you've gotten-
Without even having moved an inch
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,457 Literary Works • 674,477 Reviews
I don't thin you need to correct using No, you can leave that out and it will sound better
And it kills you how terribly far you've gotten-
Without even having moved an inch I don't really get this part,at first it seems like the person is stuck but now you're saying that they're moving but I'm not sure in which direction, out towards death, or is the person already dead.
The message I got from the poem is very powerful. It says so much in so little words it paints a picture and tells a story. It's more powerful since you put the reader in the poem. It could be seen as a number of different taboo things and be a slightly differetn story depending on how the reader sees it. It coulduse a few tweaks but it has a really good concept and overall is well put together. =D
Okay, this was pretty cool. I just have a few questions: why is this person being pushed down the abyss, if indeed that's what it is? "Body forced downwards" doesn't give much info. Is someone murdering you, or are you committing suicide? I am confused.
"No, buried you in" was just a little bit awkward. At least the way you worded it was awkward. If you rephrased the whole bit to something like this:
"The bed He's tucked you in,
The bed he's buried you in" might make it a little easier.
The last two lines didn't make a lot of sense. How is this person progressing? Where have they moved without moving? I think it's a great poem, just a little unclear.