Published January 31, 2008
His eyes glittered with snow. I have
seen cloudy eyes, leafy eyes, fiery eyes,
but never eyes that shone with
the crystal fairies of winter.
Yet here they danced before me,
inviting, beckoning.
Their depths said
"If you dive into me,
you'll touch the icy boughs of frosted
trees, icicles with a daggers edge,
and the burning brightness.
Risk it, risk me.
Oh, for it is a risk, I might lash into
your cold skin, for my frostbite
will crush those who are
already numb."
Those eyes caught me,
and now I can't escape, this sleigh ride
could crash, but the wind flies
by my face and stings my cheeks
with passion.
I don't want to stop.
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141,452 Literary Works • 674,462 Reviews
As Matt so eloquently pointed out, it may be a "wee bit cliche," but your skill with imagery and the original word choices quite often make up for it.
This is my favorite stanza, but I think there are a few things that could be tweaked. I'd suggest editing it as follows:
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. ^_~
I love the first stanza, and how you make references to nature in describing all the eyes you have seen. I also like how you separated the speech into its own stanza. The stinging of cheeks in the final stanza is also a nice touch. It is a wee bit cliché overall, but the imagery makes up for it. The first stanza really does it for me. Good work.
wheee, i really like this. I mean, its a little cliche (only a little), but its pretty and i like pretty. I particularly like the last stanza, as you've made it seem quite breathless to emphasise the idea of the sleigh ride. It reminds me of the snow queen..
Sorry for the rubbish review, im too tired to go technical. I did like it though. x