I'm not sure what is called yet but its my first 2 chapters

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Chapter one:

I was normal for the first sixteen years of my life. The first sixteen years of my life were normal. But that's not reality anymore. Not for me. Now nothings normal for me. See I'm the most non-normal person alive. All because of one stupid thing.

It all started to change the morning after my sixteenth birthday. I was in my room getting changed for another day at school when I noticed something on the top of my right arm. I had to blink a couple times to make sure I was seeing things right. And when I did relies I was seeing things right I still couldn't believe it. It made no sense what so ever. On the top of my right arm was a tattoo.

It was a fully coloured tattoo of an opened wined phoenix. It kind of looked like it was soaring it up my arm, like it would the open sky, I could tell it was a phoenix from the jagged wings. It made it look a bit like fire. Also something just told me it was. How had that got that? I never got one done. I wasn't old enough. And I was a good girl.

I ran to the bathroom to try wipe it off praying it was pen or something. No such luck. It didn't come off. No matter how hard I scrubbed at it. I was so dead if anyone saw it. I puled my navy blazer over it. I was already running late. I gripped my bag and hurried out the flat. If I was late someone was going to be really mad. And they scared me way more then any adult.

I ran to the bus stop as fast as my legs would carry me. It was no where near fast enough. As soon as they came into view I knew I was mince meat. She was really mad. And now right where the tattoo was was burning. What the hell was going on?

The girl waiting very unhappily was Bree Mathews. My one and only friend. Which I guess made her my best friend. We had met six months before. She was an African girl with frizzy black hair and big, dark eyes. She had the build of a true athlete. Like she dedicated her life to sports. Which I kind of didn't find hard to believe. Since she loved sport. She was wearing the same dumb navy uniform as me.

"Your late!" She said arms folded

"Um yeah well I'll explain later" I said holding my arm. It really hurt "I have had a wired morning"

"Wired how?" She asked suddenly really interested

"If we run I might have time to tell you"

We set off running to school. We got there just as the bell went. So no time to talk. For some reason that made me feel better. I wasn't ready to talk about what was going on. We managed to beat our teacher, Mrs Green by the skin of our teeth. She was an old woman with an old fashioned attitude about everything and everything.

The minute we sat down in the noisy classroom Bree began harassing me about what I was talking about earlier. But I still didn't want to talk about it. Especially not in front of everyone else. I already felt crazy enough. I mean, yeah, I trusted her completely but this was weirdly off the chain, completely, crazy. I wasn't even a hundred percent sure I had seen what I thought I saw this morning. It may have been a trick of the light. Or maybe my eyes. Yeah that was probably it.

"What happened?" She pressed

"I told you, I'll tell you later" I answered "It's kind of wired. I don't want to talk about it in front of everyone"

"How wired?" She raised an eyebrow

"Um weirdly crazy" I said "Like I don't think your'll believe me crazy"

"You are so telling me right now" Bree said definitely "Play along Tara"

Her hand shot into the air and it was my turn to raise an eyebrow. What was she up too this time? Even I understood what Mrs Green was talking about.

"Yes?" Mrs Green said

"I don't feel well. Can Tara take me to the nurse?" She asked eyes glittering slightly

"Um...Yes go"

How did she do that? How did she wrap Mrs Green round her little finger like that?

We left the classroom and she grabbed my arm, pulling me into the girls bathroom. She crossed her arms and waited. No one was there but us. Yet somehow I still felt sweat gathering at the base of my neck and my arm was burning still. Slightly less now. But still it burned. She stared at me and waited. As if her dark eyes were staring into the truth.

"OK. I'm gonna sound like a loon but please believe me" I said "I woke up and found this er tattoo of a phoenix on my arm. I don't know where it come from. It was just there when I woke up. And it's burning!"

I pulled off my blazer and rolled up my shirt sleeve. Her face went stone cold and recantation glittered in her eyes. I took a step backwards. Did she know what was going on? She seemed to know what the thing on my arm was.

"Right does anyone else know about this?" She asked

"No" I said "Why? Do you know what this is?"

"Listen Tara I need you to trust me" She wiped out her phone "God I had hoped she was wrong about you"

"Who was I wrong? Why do I need to trust you? Do you know whats going on?"

"How long has it been burning? Your arm?" She whipped out her phone and began texting like crazy. She was really starting to worry me

"Since I got to the bus stop" I said "Whats going on?"

"Come on" She pulled me into the out the bathroom as I pulled on my blazer

She dragged me down the halls and into the playground. What was she doing? This was classed as bunking. Skipping class. Whatever you wanted to call it, it was bad. It was against the rules. But Bree didn't seem to care. What was going on? Her grip was too strong for me to shake free. And the determination in her eyes kind of scared me a little. It seemed like she was mad at me.

She didn't stop or say another word until we we got to a hole in the fence that surrounded the school. It was caused by someone who bent the bars. No one is sure how they got like that but the school never got around to fixing it, so kids used it too bunk all the time. I had never even really considered using it before. But Bree seemed intent on us bunking. And at least if there was two of us we could spread the blame...What was I thinking? There was no way I was bunking school. No matter how strange Bree was acting.

"Come on. Move it" Bree said

"Bree what in the world is going on?" I searched her face and saw a glint of fear in her eyes "Bree?"

"I-I can't explain yet" She said "Is your arm still burning?"

"Yeah" I nodded "What do you know about this?"

"Everything" She said "But your'll have to follow me to find out what I know"

"Bree!"

She climbed through the gab in the fence and set off running down the streets. God I hated her sometimes. Like right then for instance. Desperate to understand what the hell was going on I followed her into the empty streets. Leaving the school behind me.

Chapter two:

When I finally managed to catch up with her I was desperately out of breath. She had stopped outside the train station. Bree's entire body was tense and her face was hard. It seemed to say, come near me and I'll kill you. She did a 360 and I guessed she was calculating something. It wasn't till I got my breath back I noticed that my arm was no longer burning. Strange. But not as strange as everything else that had happened that day.

"I followed you know explain yourself" I said

"Not here" She said "Look I get that this is crazy Tara but you have to trust me for a little longer. I'll explain when were on the train"

"Train? Bree have you lost it?"

"Look now that the marks on you, there's only one place your'll be relatively safe" She said "And I'm the only one who can take you there"

"Bree you are seriously worrying me" I said "Your acting like a lunatic whose obsessed with the government"

"Specific" She noted "Now trust me. Get on the train. I will drag you by your hair if I have too"

"I'm not going anywhere with you" I stepped back "Bree tell me whats going on before I go crazy"

"I told you I can't" She headed into the train station "Tara?" She stopped at the gates "If you don't come they will find you. And they will hurt everyone you care about I can promise you that. Your mum, your dad, everyone"

"I...I"

Why was I believing her? Probably the tattoo on my arm. This made no sense what so ever yet I believed that she was telling the truth. That I did have to follow her to protect my family. So against all form of common sense I followed her inside. Somehow I knew when I touched my oyster card on the reader there was no going back. My life would never be the same.

As we reached the platform the platform a train came. Bree took my arm and smiled reassuringly but that didn't make me like it anymore. She pulled me onto the train just as the doors closed. The cart was empty except for one guy who was lost in his music. Bree pulled me to the other side of the cart and spoke quietly.

"Is your mark burning at all?" She asked

"No" I answered quietly "Why are we whispering?"

"Look I'm going to tell you some crazy things" She said "Your life is about to get crazy, complicated and dangerous"

"Really? Because I woke up with a tattoo and my friend is acting like a psychopath" I said "So how much more crazy can it get?"

"Tara this is serious!" Bree sighed "Tara it's not a tattoo, it's a mark. The mark of a phoenix. It means your one of the five" I opened my mouth "Don't talk till I'm finished" I shut my mouth again "By one of the five I mean your one of the five kids connected to one of the great mythical creatures. I can't explain it all now but there are people who would hurt you for the power that mark gives you" She looked out the window at the dark tunnels "Theirs a place where you can be kind of safe. You can train there, learn how to protect yourself. It's where were heading"

She finished and looked at me with a serious expression. I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. Shaking so much it hurt. Bree rolled her eyes at me. What did she expect? This was an elaborate prank or something like that. It was for a TV show like that. It had to be. No way I had some freaky connection to a phoenix because of some wired mark of my arm.

"Your joking right?" I laughed "Pranking me?"

"Nope. I'm dead serious" She said and something in her voice was making me believe her. I knew Bree. I knew when she was lying. Didn't I?

"OK. Lets say for a minute your telling the truth. Where is this place?"

"If you follow me I'll show you" She went to the door as it pulled into the station

Again I followed her. She lead me through the busy streets of central London to a park. Walking so fast I could hardly keep up with her. What was she up too? Had she gone crazy?

Bree stopped at a lake and smiled at me as I caught up. I looked around. It was actually really nice. You know if you blocked out the sound, sights and smells of the city around you. Sometimes leaving in London was a pain. It totally ruined nature sometimes. There was like no where to escape it.

"You alright?" She said looking across at the crystal blue lake "Is your arm burning? Even in the slightest?"

"No and why dose it matter if it is?"

"The people who I said would hurt you make your arm burn when there close" She explained "The burning is a kind of warning"

"What about when it burned at school?"

"Someone must have been on to us" She said

"And you know all this how exactly?" How had that thought only just crossed my mind?

"I'm a Guide" She said like it was obvious "I'm supposed to show you the way, help with as much as possible and keep you safe"

"So what your a tour guide?"

"Watch it" She warned "Unlike you I'm very highly trained. Look Tara I didn't want it to be you. Your a great friend but it is and I can't change that"

"What-OW!" My arm suddenly burned as a shadow loomed over us

"RUN!" Bree screamed

God this thing was ugly. And I mean worse then all your school teachers combined ugly. It was twelve feet tall with sickly green skin and sharp fangs that looked like they belonged too a saber tooth tiger. It had exploded red hair with silver eyes. In its hand was a huge club and wore tatted rags.

We had ran further away from it and the lake. Bree drew a small knife out her sock. She was acting like this was normal. Normal! It ran at us, waving its club wildly in the air.

"Must kill the connected!" It roared

"Tara move!" She pushed me out the way "Oi ugly over here!"

She waved her hands like a manic and its attention was directed to her. It swan its club at her and she rolled out the way. Bree stabbed at its hand. It howled in pain. It swatted her, throwing her into a tree. Bree groaned and her eyes rolled into the back of her head. Not good. Was she trying to get herself killed?

I felt totally useless watching it beat Bree to a pulp. And there was nothing I could do about it. I was in shock frozen with fear. This could not be happening. I was dreaming. Having a nightmare. But deep down I knew it was real. The burning on my arm was so hot, I felt like my arm would drop of.

"Hey leave her alone!" I yelled "I'm the one with the mark!"

"You?" It turned to me "You must be killed"

"Bring it ugly" I could certainly talk the talk. But I had no idea how I was going to fight the fight

I searched around for anything that could help me. Brees knife was still lodged in its hand. The only kind of weapon I could find was the lake. Could it swim? I doubted it. And the lake looked really deep. A plan of sorts started to form in my mind.

"Come on ugly" I said "You slow loser"

It roared and I ran to the lake. It chased after me. It closed in quicker then I thought. This had better work. My heart beat uncontrollably, pounding so hard I thought it would break out my chest. It bent over to grab me. If I timed this wrong... No need to think like that. It had already reached the edge and it bent down to grab me. As it reached under it lost its balance and fell into the lake. Once it hit the water it disappeared in a sharp flash of light.

I stood shaking for a minute before remembering what had happened to Bree. I raced to Brees side. Her head was badly bruised, but she was conscious at least. She groaned and I looked at me.

"Now I believe you" I said "Are you OK?"

"Mm" She mumbled "Thats what we need to train you for. Though I doubt you need it much"

"Huh?"

"You kicked butt" She got to her feet and leaned against me "Is your arm burning?"

"No stopped when the monster vanished" I said "Thats what that was eight?"

"Yeah" She pointed to a large oak "Thats the entrance"

"A tree?"

"Yes now move"

"Can you even walk?"

"With support I'll make it too the tree" She said "Now move it"

"Alright gee"

Together we ran as fast as we could to the tree. She put her hand in the hole in the Oak and gripping my arm tightly we were pulled into the tree. Yeah I said what I said. We literately went into the tree. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Senmaster
Review

Hi Silversecret, this is Senmaster. I really hope my review helps a lot.

Well first I'm glad you put both chapters here because it really helped me get a good idea of your writing and the story. So far the idea sounds really good!

You did a good job of giving the characters their roles, and you really gave them their personality through the dialogue. Through this dialogue you also gave a lot about the plot, which was a very effective way to do so without going very far into detail and completely separating character and plot development.

Although this idea sounds very good, it resembles the Percy Jackson series in a way as both your piece and The Lightning Thief both begin in a very similar way. I would just advise that you deviate from Rick Riordan's idea a little, and I think that this will be a very exciting read.

I would also say that there were some punctuation and spelling errors, especially in the second chapter, so a quick reread and editing should help.

Also, I would add to the dialogue by expanding on your MC's thought process, especially when you have the dramatic irony going on. As the reader we get a sense of Bree's role in the novel and Tara's as well, but when it's revealed to Tara, it would be nice to know what's going through her head. Getting into the character's head is very important for both the reader and the writer.

After a quick skim of the chapters, I remembered about your first lines in the first chapter. Although I understand what you're trying to do with the first two sentences, it sounds repetitive and can be interpreted as a writing mistake. But that's just my opinion. But I guess that if most people can understand the use of the two sentences, then I would say that you should keep them

That's all I have to say. I hope it helped a little, and just keep writing. Can't wait to read more.

User avatar
felistia
Review

Hi silversecret3, Felistia here with a review on the first and second chapters in your novel.
Firstly happy review day. I am going to review each chapter separately, so lets start on the first chapter.

The story: It is quite interesting for the most part. I don't know what the plot of the story is, but I will probably learn more about it as I go on. I like that you ended the chapter in a cliff hanger and the first chapter has a pretty descent hook. If I were you I would probable separate the chapters, it would make it easier for people to review.

The characters: They are quite interesting for the most part. You also pulled off their emotions quite well.

The setting: You pulled this off quite well compared to most of the stories I have read. Their is room for more is you wanted to add more.

Problems: You do this a lot in the first chapter like in the chapter ( It really hurt "I have had a wired morning") I think you meant to write weird. There are a few places that you spelled it wrong.

Second Chapter

The story: The story is getting more and more fun to read. I love how you are expanding it. You are introducing more and more plot points that I hope will be answered.

The characters: You are fleshing out your characters well and I like that there are only like two characters in the story so far, it makes it easier for the reader to relate to them.

The setting: It is okay, but there is a lot of room for you put in more.

Problems: You really need to go through and proof read it because there are a lot little mistakes in the spelling and grammar.

Over all a fun read and I look forward to the next chapter. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.



It's crazy how your life can be twisted upside down inside out and around and you can get sushi from safeway still looking like a normal person
— starchild314