Hello ~
This piece has a lot of potential. And I know that the word 'potential' is the cushion people usually throw on the cement before they go shoving you down onto the sidewalk, but I can recognize the raw beauty in this. On a scale from one to ten, you've already set the bar at seven or eight, so it's just about bringing this to the highest level possible.
I think the main 'problem' (I guess it's not really a problem, but more of an obstacle) I could immediately spot in this is the slight disjointedness. You've planted so many seeds, like you have a fear that some of them won't sprout. There's a danger of overcrowding. You don't want them competing against one another for sunlight and water. Plant less, and focus more on just a few specific ideas so they can all grow to full height. I think if you can trim off the fat and then build more around your central theme, then this could turn into something monumental.
So, over the course of the poem, you tend to switch from one topic to another with reckless abandon. In the first stanza, I think you're talking about the mountains-and-cliffs and the extremes of an intense emotional journey. You're fantastic at composing your imagery (especially that last line in the first stanza: "clouds all green and low and swollen / too heavy to be only vapor"), and that adds a looot to the piece. You're a pro at showing and not telling, which sets you above the average writer. Then you get to the second stanza, which is kind of the "who am I" stanza, where you're questioning about your identity.
that I am undeniably composed of furled fields and vast spaces?
This part clashed for me a little bit. "Furled fields" sounds very introverted and clenched-fists, while "vast spaces" is more about emptiness. The ideas somehow coincide, but something about the abundance of space as opposed to the lack thereof is almost too oxymoronic for what you're trying to put out, I think. Maybe I'm wrong (I might be), but I would stick to one phrase or the other.
Skip to the third stanza. Somehow you've went from talking about the truth about yourself to the truth in general. But I honestly actually really like this stanza; it's probably my favorite of the entire piece. It just doesn't really fit, in my opinion. However, please keep it even if you do take it out of this particular piece, because wow (somehow "tangerine the skylines" just really encapsulates sunrise in the best way, and the rest of that stanza, about the unrecorded messages--please expand that. Into something. It's so amazing).
how many eyelashes and bones and dandelions exist in this world to be wished upon?
Nice transition. I like it.
In fact, I really like the whole "I wish" stanza. It gives a little personal insight, and gives the narrator something to strive for. That's important, even in poetry; it keeps the reader reading and makes them empathize with the narrator, as everyone has had something they've tried to overcome in their lifetime. Giving the narrator goals lends out hope that someday they'll achieve those goals. It adds to the story.
I never learned to speak while crying: it was always this dichotomy,
this terrible fight between consciousness and instinct.
At this point, it seems to me like entire poem kind of centers on finding a middle ground between who the narrator is and who they want to be. I think that overall, this stanza is perfect. I picked out those specific lines to quote because you've described the act of crying flawlessly. I wish I could steal those words right off the page, because your attention to detail and the way you can convey your emotion is mesmerizing.
However, the last line seems very out of place. "If only I could speak about things close to me without cringing." I get where you're coming from, but the verse is just dangling out in the open between "I have to find the common ground" and "I have to feel comfortable with my surroundings before I can go further". It's a rocky transition. Personally, I would just omit that line. Propel us forward instead of leaving us to float along between verses.
because definition is the space between two points
This seems a little redundant, seeing as you already talked about your need to find a middle ground. I would just throw this line out if it were me.
I love the last stanza. It's compelling and attention-grabbing, not to mention the fact that it illustrates how the narrator can get up after a fall and still have faith in herself. You've made this a poem about persistence and survival, and I adore it.
Overall, you've crafted a a beautifully-worded story of failure & revival (which is far more interesting and realistic than your average success story). I think that with some editing and cropping, you could have something truly transmundane and superlative with this.
Best of wishes
Sav
sorry
Points: 61
Reviews: 112
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