no. 88

Hello silverhanded! It's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Weasely!

I will give you my overall thought of your work after editing and correcting because I will do that while I read. Let's get stated with the fun stuff!

Mimises in red lipstick on the bathroom mirrior.

Wow. Just wow. You've started off with a word that I didn't even know and on top of that, it was written in red lipstick on a mirror?!? I love it! This first line is so intriguing and leaves the reader with many questions and the urge to keep reading. Wonderful job with that.

we let the old words scar over, or

First off, "we" needs to be capitalized since you left a period in the verse above. Secondly, I feel like ending with "or" is okay but it could be better. Maybe try, "or atleast,". This second idea is just my personal opinion.

women come and go...

"women" needs to be capitalized to, "Women".

fish bodies
out of the lake.

I feel like you can make this all one verse. It would be better that way I think.

he never let my mother near.

"he" needs to be capitalized to, "He".

swollen he used to say.

Comma after "swollen". And again, the "S" in "swollen" needs to be capitalized.

it was just a habit
how we lingered on.

Okay, so again, captitalize "it" but also, add a period after, "habit" and then capitalize, "how".


There where also many more capitalization errors. I think you should read through your work and find them because it was too many for me to point out.



Otherwise, WONDERFUL job here! I loved this piece and it was very intriguing. A very nice read if your looking for something short but interesting.
Great job and keep on writing!
-Gymnast2801 for Team Weasely.

mimesis in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror.

You start off with a bang. Immediately, the first line strikes me. Mimesis (I googled the word because I was unsure of its exact meaning) is defined as the representation of the real world in art and literature. Right off the bat, I can tell how metaphysical your work is going to be. In addition, you give me a "picture-this" moment in the first line. Forcing me to imagine a physical setting and guiding my osmosis of the ideas you're attempting to portray via the rest of the stanza. I love this, and I'll tell you why.

I've discovered that lot of people (me included) are often afraid to use those direct statements to communicate a message. They want to leave readers to sift through their words and discover things for themselves. These poets use subtle hints and enigmas open for ten+ different interpretations. Sometimes it's because it contributes to the overall composition of their work. But many times, it's for reasons w/ negative connotations (e.g. because they don't want to send the wrong message, or because they don't know exactly what they're writing about). I'm guilty of this more often than not. When you provide the reader with a clear mental picture, the message resonates a lot more because I know what I'm reading about and don't have to grapple for handholds.

It's refreshing, and I'm in love with it.

The second stanza is beautiful. You're a talented storyteller, and the details about the narrator's grandfather (particularly where you mention that he'd like your use of the word distended instead of swollen because of his profession as an English teacher) draws me in further. The imagery is vivid, and your way with words is heart-wrenching (in a good way).

small towns, you know.

This line seems out of place. I'd pull it. (Though, the end of that stanza: "some days, a stranger to himself". I can't get over how perfect that is.)

I want to point out your use of repetition, but in a different way than Holysocks did. I think it adds a lot to the story. A lot. Maybe not in terms of the message you're communicating, but in terms of the way it's read and the way I, as the reader, feel when reading. Just the "let it be October again, Iowa again, 2003 again" and then at the end with "it's not 2003, not October, not Iowa". Yet again, I'm in love. The use of those literary tools greatly improves your execution.

you argue first for existentialism and I laugh

The input of "you" in this stanza is a little boggling. Mainly because I'm not sure who the "you" is pertaining to. Are you speaking to the reader, to your grandfather, or to someone else entirely? The context is also a little unclear. Overall, it's probably my least favorite stanza, if I'm to be entirely honest. The information there seems irrelevant and unnecessary to what you're trying to convey. The only thing about it that I really enjoy is the last sentence. Starting at "and when we part ways...".

Your last stanza is just--

It's honestly so great that it's difficult talk about. Don't change a thing about it.

This review is overflowing with praise, and I wish I had more criticism. But you did a very lovely job with this.

Best of wishes,
Sav

[P.S. Have you read "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower"? If not, I think you'd really enjoy it, and it's a quick read. I'm obsessed atm.]

Hello there! I thought I'd drop my two cents here. c:

I enjoyed the beginning the most, I think. That very first stanza really brought me into it; I wanted to know what was so good about 2003, Iowa, and October, or what was so bad about the current place and time that the narrator was in.

I am not an expert on poetry, but I feel like this was maybe a bit wordy? Parts of it are perfectly fine, but other parts are a little hard to wrap your mouth around. Here's an example:

I've finally finished reading Anne Carson's interview with The
Paris Review

Maybe this is actually a bad example... but I don't think you really need "finally". Words like that, although they can add a bit of clarity, aren't always the best thing to have if at all possible. At least that's what I've been told. You could even possibly do without "with" and have a dash instead or something similar.

I'm not really sure what this poem is about. It kind of feels like the father died, from the way he's being mentioned, but I feel more like it's the son/daughter who's dead, and maybe a ghost..? Or is in some sort of spirit form, anyway. Maybe I'm completely wrong, but that's what my impression was, especially with the last few lines. And then the grandfather's mentioned too... which I find interesting, but I'm not sure what to make of it. What is so good about 2003, October, and Iowa? I'm very curious.

The only other thing I wanted to say was your talk of "the bathroom mirror". I feel like you put it in there as repetition, not by accident, but it doesn't feel really that repetition-y EXCEPT that it's repeated. And by that I mean it's not really in any sort of pattern that you can tell, and so it could almost be passed off as a lack of another thing to talk about, like you just mentioned it a little much kinda thing.

Anyway, I did enjoy it. I'm not too fond of your choice in using a picture to upload it though, because then for reviewing I have to type out anything that I want to quote- which is tedious. And the font is rather large and a bit hard to read because of that- but at the same time I like the contrast of the bold against the white, and it all looked quite nice.

I hope this was somewhat helpful!

-Socks