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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
A <3
I love this. It's absolutely beautiful. It's not perfect, but poetry isn't perfect; it's the raw and untrimmed nature of poetry that plagiarizes and paints the emotion of the writer.
I thought this first part was wonderful; the part within the parentheses is what immersed me the most. I'm led to believe that the narrator is trying to convince hisself/herself that everything that is happening to her is not unusual; that everything is alright. I like this. That stream of consciousness that you have flowing throughout the entire poem is wonderful. It gives us insight to what the narrator is thinking, and what they're feeling without telling us directly.
It may be the poet in me that feels that there's another metaphor there. Something with fault lines and earthquakes. But anyway. I'm not going to make you endure the result of my insatiable love for metaphors~
When you told me you had written this down, I had secretly wished you'd turn it into a fantastic piece. My wish definitely came true on this one. I like how you edited it from the original. Even though it's not as raw, the way you have the words organized here makes a little more sense. It would definitely have to be my second favorite part of the poem. You stuff so much imagery into so few words, and it floors me how you're able to do so. The storm and the heart and the ankles and everything. I could go on and on about it. Gorgeous.
I don't know how I feel about this one. I can't really explain why; something about it just doesn't sit right with me. Maybe the ambiguity of the rest of your piece is kind of put on a decrescendo here. That's what I'm thinking, but after analyzing it, this stanza is really just as intriguing as the one before. I don't know. Nothing about it is bad; it just doesn't affect me at all. But don't mind me too much, I'm just spouting off my thoughts here.
This stanza I didn't much care for. It's kind of all over the place. You start off with the line with "boys like you know how/ to hit the ground" and then you start talking about the exchange of promises. The fundamental premise of your piece is lost here. You kind of bring it back around at the conclusion of the stanza ("when did you/ learn not to fall straight/ down?") but by the time I arrive at this, I've forgotten how it connects. Your first line just doesn't make a lasting impression. You give me nothing to convince me of its significance. You've abandoned that idea.
Also, I think the peach metaphor doesn't fit in. Overall I'm getting a dark, stormy feel throughout the poem. I'm conjuring the setting in my mind; a melancholy night, two people running out into the graveyard, eerie moonlight. And then silence before hushed whispers, but everything with a certain hardness about it. The peach is too soft. I get what you're trying to do, but it breaks me out of the trance the rest of the text is trapping me in.
The last two stanzas are what officially get me. They round out the entire poem and every word just melts in my bones. They're my favorite. I never want them to end. <3
I really enjoyed this poem. While I'm sorry for the pain that must have conjured much of this, I think that what came of it was beautiful. This is one of the best works I've read in a long time. Reading it just took me to another world. As Holden Caulfield would say, it killed me.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to get to reviewing this. I thought it deserved my full attention, and I didn't want to give you my half-hearted reaction. Thank you for sharing this.
Yours,
Sav
Thank you so much <3 I agree wholeheartedly. There were parts of this that definitely deserved more time and care and I will go back to them eventually. (You're far too kind.)
You used a style of writing known for its wonderful rhythm. It is actually hard for the human brain to break out of the rhythm that the writer sets using this method which is a good thing, when done well. It is a bad thing when done like this. The poem often stops in between a segment of thought, and other times not so. It is so inconsistent that it is impossible to feel natural at any point, making this pseudo dialogue even less real then it is. Now, there are great poems that lack good rhythm, but bad rhythm is exacerbated when using this style. It seems that the rhythm of the poem was an oversight, possibly for the reason of having neat lines that naturally break around the same point. This, is similar to many poems but frankly for this one, seemed to be a mistake because of the way you chose to exercise the natural break of dialogue at certain points and leave it at others, making it rather inconsistent.
Frankly, most of this is too ambiguous- most writers choose to write like a poem is a jigsaw puzzle without any of the pieces so most of the time it just ends up being a random mess of some of your intuition. I sort of wonder all the time if you, the writer, actually had anything in mind as far as any explanation. It's great for freewriting but sucks for published works in my opinion. The idea is now saturated, and this opinion is completely excluding reader retention, making it rather useless to write in the first place.
However, it's not all bad, I'm just really negative. I do like your voice, when it is coherent. It is possible one day your style of writing will mesh with what I like, just not today.
Thank you for your feedback.
so much symbolism it's great! I love your work here the little captions were great. I can see you are older and most likely more advanced than me, but if you could please look at my work. I love it when you wrote, "we can bury our secrets now; an unmarked grave," I truly loved that part. can you explain to me though why the blue moon is the betrayal moon?
See, I definitely feel like I could have bridged the blue moon and betrayal moon concepts better. The idea came from reading that the phrase "blue moon" came from the ancient belewe (to betray) moon.
I thought you did a pretty good job just looking for background information.
you're a very good writer
I thought you did a pretty good job just looking for background information.
you're a very good writer
Hey Jack here for a review first in forever actually
Ok so I really liked this poem, it was worded very well and it was very nice to read except for one little problem, your words are tiny, I dont know about anyone else but for me I was squinting at my laptop struggling to read it at first. I suggest maybe next time your have your wording slightly larger. You may be going for some kind of effect but that is useless if everyone struggles to read it.
but anyway I really did enjoy this poem it was dark in a way and I liked that, so I think the only thing you need to fix is the size of the words or that could just be me, its really up to you but nice poem pleasure reading it
J.
Thank you! The words are small because it's actually easier for me to read that way when I'm typing and I just never changed it back. I'll make sure to do that next time.
Its up to you