When you look inside yourself
sometimes you seem to find
that everyday you that sits up on the shelf
and lets the world go by, just a blank mind.
But other times you see a flicker o f gold.
It starts to dance and shine in your head.
and all over your body it starts the catch and hold
With a new enthusiasm you hop out of bed.
With that feeling, everythings' clear
that you will somehow change the world.
and it starts with showing that feeling to anyone near
People will help spread the feeling, emotions uncurled.
As the sun says goodbye
the wonderful feeling starts to fade.
and you almost start to cry
but you remember the progress you’ve made.
So you fall asleep with a smile.
Dreams filled with the suspense of something great
And the glow is getting bigger all the while
A laugh is something you create.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
The first stanza is significantly longer than the rest of them. 8 : 4 I think perhaps you didn't hit 'enter' between the first two stanzas.
This was simple. It has a lot of potential, but it did a lot of telling and just speaking words. You have pretty language, but it isn't really taking the place of poetic devices.
I really liked your last line. Really great stuff there.
*thumbs up* Good luck with your writing!
~GryphonFledgling
This is cute but it's in a slight ragged condition.
This line makes no sense, I think because the second that is misplaced. I'm not sure, honestly.--> With that feeling, everything's clear.
Like Simon said your punctuation in some places is kind of strange, not grammatically correct and just makes the poem harder to read. There is something else you should focus on with more intent though: you tell. If you're writing a story, write one, but it is a poem, so don't tell so much. Use imagery and metaphor to explain your point. It doesn't have to have either of these things or any at all, but the poem is a bit bland as it is, just telling me something. It also doesn't flow that much, and was kind of difficult for me to read because the line breaks seemed strange. Read it out loud a few times and you might find a way to fix that.
Good luck!
As the sun says goodbye
the wonderful feeling starts to fade.
and you almost start to cry
but you remember the progress you’ve made.
So you fall asleep with a smile.
Dreams filled with the suspense of something great
And the glow is getting bigger all the while
A laugh is something you create.
You need punctionuation on these stanzas that is important you know. The poem was cliche but was ok. Noth the best poem I read but it was ok. Not bad for a new member i guess. Well if you need any help with anything PM me anytime ok.
TTYL SimonCowellLuver :smt35: