You used to be my hero.
I used to be daddy’s little girl.
You used to understand me.
You used to be my world.
But now you make me wonder
As no daughter ever should
Whether you are really good,
Or whether I misunderstood.
You can judge a person
By how they act when they just wake
Do they pull you into hug you
Or do they make you quake?
Is it true that you deceived me?
Or that I deceived myself?
Into thinking all this time
That you were someone else?
Sometimes you leave me waiting,
In a world that’s full of tears,
So that you can go out with the guys
And grab too many beers.
Is it normal for this to happen?
Is it normal for trust to fail?
And what you tell me when I cry,
Is that just so you can bail?
I see what you’ve done,
I know what you are,
I know about all of the days
You’ve spent in the bar.
Am I supposed to tell?
Am I supposed to hide?
In all of this confusion,
I see my trust flashing by.
And for just a second,
It all comes into place.
Capture the clearness like a picture,
So next time I’ll know you’re being fake.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I love your poem. When I read it I could feel the pain and confusion in the poem. Just two more words, very good.
Hi, sillyducky! I see you're new to YWS. Why not pop into the Welcome Mat and start to get to know people? I'm Grin, and if there's anything you have trouble understanding here, or anything you need help with, please drop me a PM and I'll be happy to give you a hand.
Okay. This is a very emotional poem, but it feels a little broken - in places, I just didn't feel all that connected to the narrator. You don't have to use rhyme in poetry, it can be very limiting, and here it's made you squeeze your words into uncomfortable phrases that just don't feel quite right.
For an early attempt, this is very good. You gave your reader a snapshot of what your narrator is feeling, and I can tell you were really feeling for this character when you wrote the poem, but the rhyme scheme is crippling you and this is one of those cases where it would be better off in freeform.
Well, I hope I helped. Don't forget that if you need a hand, I'm right here.
~Grin
Very heartfelt and sad. I could feel the emotion through the words.
The only issue I had was with:
I'm not exactly sure why, but this confused me. I had to stop and think about it for a minute before I got what you were trying to say.