There’s the happy and there’s me,
They sit around the fireplace
Relaxing and being warm
With the strength of happy feelings,
While I sit in the corner, scorned.
There’s the happy and there’s me,
There’s the loved and the hated,
There’s the grounded and the floating babblers.
But it all comes down to this,
There’s the happy and there’s me.
When I was little and I cried,
I fell into my Daddy’s arms,
But now it’s like my Daddy’s died,
And what’s replaced
Is destined to alarm.
My mother used to be there,
To her I would spill my hopes and dreams,
But now it’s a vat of emptiness,
No more love bursting at the seams.
I used to have my brother,
To play with all day long,
But now he’s off in his own world,
He might as well be gone.
While all these things contribute to the happy and the me,
I’d really like one thing,
And that is to have somebody.
In my town there are no friends,
Not real ones at least.
I want to see a storybook moment,
I want to see how it ends.
I really want someone, to hold me when I cry,
To lull me back to sleep with a gentle lullaby.
It would be very helpful, if maybe, maybe please,
I could have a real friend,
And not a frenemy.
Backstabbers,
Stealing grabbers,
Hurtful words,
Shunned nerds.
It makes me feel all alone,
Like I don’t want this rich and ugly world I live in,
To ever be my own.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hey Silly, it’s Lily! Haha, that rhymes! Anywaaays…
I think you have a good idea here but I think your poem lacks a strong structure. It lacks much structure at all actually. Sure, there are free verse poems but this is too free. You have all of these different aspects of poetry – rhyme and rhythm particularly – that show up, but only at random intervals.
Take for instance your first three stanzas. All three are fairly rhyme-less, five-lined stanzas but then it jumps to two four lined stanzas, one three-lined, another four-lined, a five-lined, and then a six lined. Do you see the pattern?...probably not because there isn’t one.
A free verse poem doesn’t need to be completely structured but giving it some structure can help pull the poem together. And as Snoink suggested, rearranging the order of your paragraphs would help too.
I hope my review helped a little.
~lilymoore
Hey! I thought this was really good! The emotion you provoke from this poem is amazing! It has this kind of sadness to it but not entirely. I felt happy at the end. I usually don't enjoy rhythmic poems but this one was excellently written. I felt that the rhythmic feel didn't flow throughout the poem which I do hope you could change. Besides that, I thought it was a very good poem.
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter
Hey there!
Right, I have to say I'm a bit divided in this poem. Sometimes I think it's poor, but othertimes, and for the majority, I really quite like it. I think it inevitably comes down to word choice, as your structure and punctuation is controlled fairly well to deliver an effective pace.
In stanza 2, I really didn't like this:
Too much repetition! Stop telling me what's there! I just feel that you should be describing what the 'floating babblers' are doing around you, or why it 'all comes down to this', but you don't. You just repeat and truthfully there's no real effect to it.
The first stanza kind of sets the tone, but in a way, I'm with Snoink on this. The real effect doesn't really come until the third stanza when your truly start to show your emotions. Even if it is a bit teenage angst like Kamas suggested, that doesn't stop it being well written, because it definitely is well written.
That is a brilliant change of tone, because it protrays your frustration, like your genuinely releasing how you feel and it allows people who feel the same to empathise with it.
Hope this helped you,
Keep writing!
Ben
Hey. I thought that this was really good. I think it didn't flow greatly at some points, but worked most of the way through. I really liked the idea you had behind the poem. Most poems aren't great because of what words are used, but what the words represented. But I am really glad that you didn't repeat the same line right through the entire poem. It think you did a really good job on this poem.
Hello sillyducky!
I think you should start with the third stanza, actually, and get rid of your first two stanzas. They seem a little unnecessary! Also, and this may just be me, but it seems like this is not ordered in the dramatic sense really well! Her friends not liking her should be first, her mother kind of abandoning her is awful, but her dad dying... that's the tragedy. But instead, it talks about the dad and then mentions the mom and t hen mentions everyone else... in the form it is, it's not very dramatic! So work on that a bit.
Alright, remember you asked for this.
This poem in general oozes teenage angst, out of the ears and skin pores. The kind that's "Oh, I'm so alone and misunderstood, let me write sad poetry about how sad and alone I am."
In this stanza, as through your entire poem. There is a lack of poetic devices. Metaphors, similes, personification, alliteration or symbolism. Though rhyme is a poetic device, it cannot substitute for metaphors. Metaphors are what make poems. You can tell us a story, up front "Oh gosh. My mom, dad, and brother have forgotten me, I'm so alone." which is what you do, or you can make unlike comparisons so that your reader can create a sense.
Emotional poetry isn't about saying upfront what you're feeling. It's about getting to the very essence of that feeling, the absolute core through comparisons. That way your reader can understand what your feeling with there own individual understanding. It's all an art form.
Another thing, don't waste this art form on teenage angst. Do it on something worthwhile.
If I'm talking jibberish, I apologize, please feel free to contact me with any questions.
Kamas
thanks for the input guys! it really helped.
I know the rhyme is heavily embeded in the poem, but I love the gentle rhyme when it goes ABCA....
it's so pretty.
I am not very good at poetry, so I'm not gonna be much help on how to write it, but that was seriously emotional.
It really stood out for me.
I ADORED "frenemy". That was quirky and brilliant
The last stanza is really hard-hitting as well though I agree that "not a single nerd" doesn't really fit.
Loved the poem though
Wha.... umm... I'm speechless?
The emotion portrayed in this is crazy! I absolutely LOVED it! I don't really think this could be counted as a review, but I'll try to help you:)
Great job! Tell me when you have more:)
Love
Fixed