“So, what did you want to talk about?” Julia smiled up at me, as she reached across the table and intertwined her fingers with mine. Her deep blue eyes were bright with excitement.
Ah, crap. Clearly she has no idea what, ‘we need to talk’, actually means.
I shifted in my patio chair. While staring down at the picked-over fries on my plate, I mumbled, “Well Ju, um… the thing is…uh-”
“Um, uh, well?” She interrupted my stammering with a laugh. “Just spit it out already, Cayden. Please, am I really that intimidating?” Humour sparkled in her eyes.
Actually Julia, you kind of are.
I ran my free hand through my dark hair. I looked around the buzzing patio, hoping to use our waiter as a distraction. Unfortunately he was busy with another table. Great. I brought my attention back to my girlfriend, who was staring directly at me with wide eyes and a smile that showcased her perfect teeth.
I took a deep breath in. On the exhale I said, “I need some space.” My muscles tensed as I awaited her reply.
Her eyebrows drew in slightly. “What do you mean?” Her smile was quickly slipping from her flawless face.
“I think we should take a break.”
Her features hardened. She dug her manicured nails deep into my palm, before snapping her hand out of mine like a whip. My jaw clenched. “So, basically you’re breaking up with me?” She snarled.
I casually rubbed my hands together to try and sooth the searing pain. That girl has a nasty set of claws. “Basically.”
Julia pursed her glossy lips. Her eyebrows were pulled so close together, I thought they would become one. I rubbed the back of my head as I waited for the bomb to go off.
Three, two…
“Well it was nice of you to discuss this with me. But if you want space, then fine. Have all the fricken space you need! Go ahead and find yourself.” Her flushed face was inches from mine now. Somehow her teeth now looked as if they had grown into fangs. I wonder if she would actually try taking a bite out of me. I can’t say it would surprise me.
Breaking me from my thoughts, was Julia’s squeaky, “Okay, Cayden? Okay?”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I quickly nodded my head. I could see the other customers watching us. The chattering had diminished, with only Julia’s lovely voice being heard. Great, looks like Crazy is causing another scene.“So that’s it. No more phone calls, texts, or emails. Nothing. You won’t be hearing from me, ever again.”
One can only hope. Julia slung her purse over her shoulder as she got up. “Well, I’m just going to get out of your hair now, which by the way has a little too much gel. Kinda looks like someone sneezed in it. Yuck. Anyways, thanks for lunch babe.” She blew a kiss before turning on her heel to leave. After a few steps she spun back around and tilted her head as she laughed, “Or should I say ex-babe. Silly me.”
She whirled around like the winter wind and marched away. Her heels sounded like hammers against the wooden panels. I think everyone outside stopped to watch her leave. That girl sure knew how to make an exit. If only she would stop coming back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hi there Silentwords.
So, for only 570-ish words, it's pretty good. We get a good sense of Julia and who her character is. However, unfortunately, she seems much more developed than the protagonist, Cayden. I'd like to see more of his side and personality - he seems almost weak in spirit since he didn't say anything (even out of diplomacy) in response to Julia's big scene. I understand that you're limited for words allowed in this assignment, but I'm just writing what could be improved, whether or not you change it. Just something to keep in mind for future assignments and creative writing. However, naturally, I ended up detesting Julia and liking Cayden more even though he's a weak character right now. That's probably how you wanted it, anyway.
I found the whole break-up part really rushed, but then, it's not like you have unlimited words. I understand why it's so squished and rushed and it's unfortunate you aren't allowed it longer. For other cases, though, try and ease into the break-up and if the story just doesn't go that way, follow up with sufficient explanations for why. Cayden did offer one, but it's hardly valid it's so vague. Remember, ease in.
And for nitpicks, well, there's one large one I'd like to look at:
That's kind of a really bad insult. It doesn't really hurt - it's like Julia had nothing better to say but just wanted to say something to spite him. Which is understandable since she just got dumped and she's a pain in the butt it seems. However, I also gather that she's probably intelligent and witty. That wit could be used for a really creative comeback/insult for Cayden, one that hits closer to home and hurts more. Not that I want Cayden to be hurt, but it just kind of works that way for what he's just done to her. She deserves some say in the story and not just with a measly little lame insult that's hardly insulting: it's kind of odd and comical really. It's something I strongly suggest you rewrite to something with a little more 'punch', as some would say.
All in all, it's good for how few words you were allowed. It's only a sketch of a scene, really, but it's interesting and descriptive enough.
Yours,
Lavvie
It's well written and you get across character which is pretty much all you can do with only 500 words. I'll try and see if I can help you to reduce the word count.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Julia smiled up at me, as she reached #FF0000 ">maybe just reachingacross the table and intertwined#FF0000 ">don't really like intertwined sometimes simpler is better, like just plain old grabbed my hand her fingers in mine. Her deep blue eyes were bright with excitement.
Awe, crap. Clearly she has no idea what, ‘we need to talk’, actually means.#FF0000 ">made me laugh, this line did
I shifted in my patio chair. While staring down at the picked-over fries on my plate, I mumbled, “Well Ju, um… the thing is…uh-”
“Um, uh, well?” She interrupted my stammering with a laugh. “Just spit it out already, Cayden. Please, am I really that intimidating?” Humour #FF0000 ">sounds a bit awkward sparkled in her eyes.
Actually Julia, you kind of are.
I ran my free hand through my dark hair. I looked around the buzzing patio, hoping to use our waiter as a distraction. Unfortunately he was busy with another table. Great. I brought my attention back to my girlfriend, who was staring directly at me with wide eyes and a smile that showcased her perfect teeth.
I took a deep breath in. On the exhale I said, “I need some space.” My muscles tensed as I awaited her reply.
Her eyebrows drew in slightly. “What do you mean?” Her smile was quickly slipping from her flawless face.
“I think we should take a break.”
Her features hardened. She dug her manicured nails deep into my palm, before snapping her hand out of mine like a whip. My jaw clenched. “So, basically you’re breaking up with me?” She snarled.
I casually rubbed my hands together to try and sooth the searing pain. That girl has a nasty set of claws. “Basically.”
Julia pursed her glossy lips. Her eyebrows were pulled so close together, I thought they would become one. I rubbed the back of my head as I waited for the bomb to go off.
Three, two…
“Well it was nice of you to discuss this with me. But if you want space, then fine. Have all the fricken space that you need! Go ahead and find yourself.” Her flushed face was inches from mine now. Somehow her teeth now looked as if they had grown into fangs. I wonder if she would actually try taking a bite out of me. That’s a little barbaric, but can’t say it would surprise me. #FF0000 ">I you should drop that's a little barbaric, that's for us to decide not for you to tell us, just change to "It wouldn't surprise me
Breaking me from my thoughts, was Julia’s squeaky, “Okay, Cayden? Okay!”
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I quickly nodded my head. I could see the other customers watching us. The chattering had diminished, with only Julia’s lovely voice being heard. Great, looks like Crazy is causing another scene.“So that’s it. No more phone calls, texts, or emails. Nothing. You won’t be hearing from me, ever again.”
One can only hope. Julia slung her purse over her shoulder as she got up. “Well, I’m just going to get out of your hair now, which by the way has a little too much gel. Kinda looks like someone sneezed in it#FF0000 ">this good. Yuck.#FF0000 ">this bad, at least I didn't like it Anyways, thanks for lunch babe.” She blew a kiss before turning on her heel to leave. After a few steps she spun back around and tilted her head as she laughed, “Or should I say ex-babe, because we are broken up.#FF0000 ">cut that, not needed Silly me.”
She whirled around like the winter wind#FF0000 ">don't know why but this just seemed out of step with the rest of the piece and marched away. Her heels sounded like hammers against the wooden panels. I think everyone outside stopped to watch her leave. That girl sure knew how to make an exit. If only she would stop coming back.
Overall, I liked it. Hope I managed to help a bit, but there wasn't much that I felt should be cut
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