tonight !
i shall write a poem,
i will tear open
a new page
and write 5 pages
of just one poem,
and its going to be easy..
I'll just let it bleed through..
i will write of what I've
seen !
the pain and misery that
i allowed myself to endure
i shall make this poem
worth remembering..
my worthless experiences will
be thrown into the mix..
too back i suck at cooking..
my blood will be sauce
that i will allow my heart
to be dipped into..
and consumed by..
i will stamp this damned page
with my life...
and when I'm asked
if I'm okay,
i can simply answer,
"Yes I've never felt more numb.".
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,751 Reviews
Hey!
I liked this. The message was nice, and I've never really seen a poem like this before. It's new, and that's what I like about it.
I did notice that you had a few grammatical mistakes. You didn't capitalize your "I"s, which I've noticed in a bunch of your poems, but you did let that slip and capitalized one or two. So, you either need to capitalize all of them, or none at all.
I think you mean, "too bad", right? Too back just doesn't... feel right. I don't know.
There needs to be a comma after "Yes." You also put two periods.
You need to spell out "five".
Actually, I completely disagree with ThornedRose about the "tonight !" I like it; it makes me think of someone starting a speech, and exclaiming their beginning (does that make sense?). Leave it in.
Overall, I really liked this. Keep up the good work!
zOe
Alright. Thorn here. I'll get straight to the review.
Alright. I was a little confused as to what sort of context you were using this in. If it survived as a title, than it would be 'Tonight!" with no space in between the last 't' and the '!'. if this was the beginning of the pem, you don't have the first and second line separated, and instead of a ! you have a comma.
I shall write a poem.
The phrasing of these two lines seemed a little akward. Maybe you could do 'I will tear a new page open', which I think sounds nice. On a gramatical note, when you say 'I', It's always captalized, no matter what.
And write five pages of just one poem. [period]
Okay, first I would just like to say that I read through the rest of this. I like the content, I like the message, but the main problem I've been seeing is grammatical and phrasing errors. I'm not going to rewrite this poem for you - that's for you, the author, to do. You can use the part I DID review as help to decoding the rest of your draft.
Have fun, and best of luck to you in your writing.
I promised that I will critt your poems, so here I am!
I like point of the storey in the poem. It is really different, not all people write about their actual activity or actions. It is really interesting that some people notice it and describe it really well.
I must say that it was still too short for me. Also it really did not have a rhythm. When you write something that is very creative it should have a little rhythm to it so it could be like a song or a small melody that plays in your head as you read it.
For example you had stanzas with lines of 8 and six but it would have been better of all of the stanzas would have the same number of lines or at least most. Also some lines where too long or too short. Remember in your lines you have to have similarities.
Here is a easy example:
When I was just a boy A
I had a vague dream B
To fly and touch the white cream sky C
Go even higher and high C
When I was just a teen A
I still had that vague dream B
To fly in the air C
I had nothing else about to care C
I hope you noticed the ryhtem. Anywas this poem was great, I think you did a wonderfull job. Keep up the good work!
thank you very much. I'll be glad to extrange ideas with you sometimes, just send me a message...
Hey,
nicely done!
I totally love this poem. It's great idea. Reminds me. Your dying to write and you want it to be amazing. Easy to empathise with. I would have liked it a tiny but longer, a verse or 2 maybe but thats just me being cheeky =D
Every wanna swap notes send me a message
Brown Eyed Girl x