I awoke to people screaming
so loud that they cracked my stone bed.
I had been dreaming of a life where
survival is guarenteed, not hoped for.
I grabbed my spear.
There was a beast in my village,
it looked like a person on their hands
and knees with their back hunched up.
Where the hands and feet were moons
surrounded by smooth starless
sections of the nightsky.
It was so loud that I thought it had a
volcano for a heart as smoke rose from behind it.
It is an effigy of hopelessness, traveling the world
like a solid wind pushing us to move against that same world.
It left my village and I grew tired again.
In my dream I was lost in a canopey of stone,
where hundreads of beasts lay idly roaring under
a farmilar sun, people would block the sun from their eyes,
but not these beasts. They had no fear of what they mastered,
or perhaps created. They called these beasts cars, and told me
these cars take them to work, so they could earn their survival.
I thought their place had no bearing on their life,
all they needed was a spear like mine to sur-
my spear is gone.
A man approached me and said that
spearheads have been replaced with stress
and the shaft with responsability,
I asked how to do you hunt with that,
can you rest between killings?
And his response was: we are the ones being killed
by our survival, we have fallen on that spear
and now bleed work, both painful and self inflicted.
There is no time to rest when you are killing yourself.
Survival is assured at the cost of what makes us human,
simplicity.
I woke again, tired and in darkness,
unsure of what was just dreams,
but I knew that the life I saw
is not the one I want to dream of.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Okay. I liked this. You took a girl from a jungle, put her into our world, and showed the stark contrast of what we had then that was good and what we had now that is bad. Personally, I think the modern world is great. No measles. I didn't die as a baby. Medicine. Better quality of life. Longer lives.
But I like how you showed that some things we don't have to worry about. In industrialized nations, we don't need to hunt lest we face starvation--but sometimes we kill ourselves. In the most horrible nations on earth, they don't often do that.
We get many choices they don't have. They get a lot less than us, but a clearer path in life.
You did fairly well showing this conflict; however, I get the feeling this might've been better suited for a short story. If you merely fleshed this out and turned it to prose format, it could be one.
Essentially, you told a good story. But parts got confusing because it seemed so prose-like but wasn't and some stuff got lost in translation. Punctuation got wonky. There were run-ons, I believe. The description got a little flighty and I wasn't sure what was going on.
Example:
Not only do these two things not exactly relate, but the to is unneeded. Look for things like that. Polish this. Revise. Look over it with a fine tooth comb. Read it aloud.
There are also a load of typos. Please use a spellchecker on this. I would point them all out, but I don't quite have time right now. Run it through a spellchecker, though.
Even though this was a bit harsh, it's not like this is hopeless. It needs work. It has a strong frame, though.
Keep writing,
Cas
The way how you make humans out to be monsters so boldly is well bold. I like it how you compare stress and with something sharp and merciless and the shaft to responsiblity to show that you have to grip it tight and sometimes let it go into and let your stress peirce someone's chest like moving the responsibility. I espescially like how you say that this is not how society should be.
The way how you make humans out to be monsters so boldly is well bold. I like it how you compare stress and with something sharp and merciless and the shaft to responsiblity to show that you have to grip it tight and sometimes let it go into and let your stress peirce someone's chest like moving the responsibility. I espescially like how you say that this is not how society should be.
I enjoyed this so much! Although, at first, I wasn't sure what was happening but as it continued to grow and the story of sorts began to build an understanding was established. There is a lot of depth in this and I can imagine someone actually dreaming this.
With the verse:
"And his response was: we are the ones being killed by our survival, we have fallen on that spear and now bleed work, both painful and self inflicted. There is no time to rest when you are killing yourself. Survival is assured at the cost of what makes us human, simplicity."
His response should be in quotation marks to indicate that someone is speaking.
Same with the end of the verse before this; "I asked how do you hunt with that, can you rest between killings?" and maybe even break this into two questions "I asked "how do you hunt with that? Can you rest between killings?"
But overall a thoroughly enjoyable piece of writing. Sorry if I sounded negative.
Keep Writing!