I am came home late last night,
around midnight, I had been walking
among the moon and the stars,
the only ones who could contest with my shadow
and perhaps focus it in a different way.
I didn't always like where I was going,
but I knew where I came from was no better,
I had spent some nights of my childhood outside looking
for a skunk, not yet knowing the smell of drugs.
There were days that I'd be pelted with rocks
by the other kids, on the good days they'd
only take my things and run.
Now, my respect falls around me,
in white flakes that burned to be emmersed
in, but were to nice to look at.
The piles of snow were similar to the day's
cloudy sky, it even had a streetlight reflecting
off it like the sun shown through those clouds.
There is more than one sky out here, tonight.
I've always fought depression, like the snow
would shine against the night sky,
but lose to its infinity.
Depression exists on the outside too;
it's always been hard to hide that from the wind.
When it would freeze me in my tracks just as I
was about to be home, I'd shiver and feel the wind
spiril up my pantleg and chill my entire body.
It was the worst experience of all though,
I didn't know when the weather was going to leave,
or if even it had to.
Atleast I'm home...
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there! I saw this never got a review, so I decided to stop by and change that!
I do understand that this poem is very old, and if you happened to go back and revise this you might notice all the things I am going to point out, but I wanted to give you a proper review anyway since this never got one <3
This is a very personal piece, and I love the way you present depression in this. Your cold/snow imagery is very strong throughout this, which I really like. Not only does the continued imagery make this piece very cohesive, but your imagery is also very beautiful and striking. All in all, I really enjoyed this piece! I want to point out some of my favourite lines
I love the idea of comparing respect falling to "white flakes."
There are a few things I'd like to point out about this piece. These are just suggestions, so please feel free to ignore them if you don't agree!
The first thing I'd like to mention is you punctuation. Of course, punctuation is stylistic, but I don't really think your punctuation is that effective in this piece. I think this would be easier for me to explain by giving you a specific example
You're joining a lot of "sentences" by just commas, which I'm not really feeling, and this is the case with a lot of your stanzas. Personally, I would use periods instead of commas to separate clauses, or just go on to the next line. I'll show you how I would personally punctuate this stanza!
I actually only changed one comma to a period. Not much, but I think it works a lot better. But of course, punctuation is stylistic, so please feel free to ignore this if you don't agree!
The other things I'd like to point out deal with specific lines
This line doesn't make sense grammatically, which I'm sure was an accident or something xD
I can see how moons could contest with your shadow since they have a "dark side," but how would stars contest to your shadow?
I think this metaphor is pretty cool but could be presented more effectively! The phrase "it even had" threw me off a bit, so I'd consider revising this to make the comparison stronger. Basically, I think it would be nice if you could eliminate that phrase and make the comparison more seamless, if that makes sense.
I think this would be a really cool simile if you could expand on this! How exactly does the snow lose its infinity?
I think "weather" is not a very effective word. How about blizzard or snowstorm or something along those lines?
I would rephrase this like "or if it even had to." or something along those lines
Very small thing, you forgot a space between "At" and "least." But I love the way you end this with ellipsis, like you're not sure if the happiness/staying home is going to last.
Again, please disregard anything you don't agree with!
Overall, I very much enjoyed this piece. It's hauntingly beautiful, and I love the continuation of the snow imagery throughout the piece. I think you did a really nice job with this piece, and I hope this helped!
bump? =[
bump