To catch a sunrise.

Love, I found my screams painted on the ceiling as I watch the fan turn: I know I must lose. And if I could have you- Not in this life or any- I would give you something to keep.

I’d write down all the ways I thought this sounds, drawings and alphabets like all my time is yours and I love you for having it.

One day hopefully this will cease

And I know you’re better for it.

Happy and free, you’re an experience I don’t see myself having, but be happy and free.

Love,

Good

Bye.

Comments

Points: 47
Reviews: 12

Donate

Mon Apr 18, 2022 1:01 am

Hawinay wrote a review...

Hello silented1, I hope this finds you well.

"Love, I found my screams painted on the ceiling as I watch the fan turn: I know I must lose."

When one can breathe so much pain, metamorphically speaking, that it transitions into a hurt they can see in the swirls of a ceiling and a fan twirling, it brings a cause of no options. They say love is a choice, but often times its a choice of not when or how to love, but when and why you shouldn't.

"And if I could have you- Not in this life or any- I would give you something to keep.
I'd write down all the ways I thought this sounds, drawings and alphabets like all my time is yours and I love you for having it."

Humanity loves to place trophies on anything, from triumphs to catastrophes, from wants to needs, from love to hate. Needing to be seen comes as naturally as breathing, and needing to brand your mark into this world is nothing but a close second.

"One day hopefully this will cease
And I know you're better for it.
Happy and free, you're an experience I don't see myself having, but be happy and free."

It takes every ounce of what makes us human to turn away from the things we love the most, setting our nerves ablaze with the barest hope in our mind that time will make the pain fade, and in time it does. In time we may regret the experiences we missed that scream in the wind from the blades of a fan turning. In time we may regret how the pain never did truly fade and leaves us with pieces we drag behind in the dirt. In time we may come to terms with the decisions we made and sign our names as "love, goodbye" instead of "love, me".

This was a wonderful short read and was quite soothing to dissect.

Keep creating beautiful art, and dance in the rain when things seem hard.

Points: 226
Reviews: 58

Donate

Thu Dec 23, 2021 11:33 pm

View Likes

YourFriendQuirks08 wrote a review...

Hey, Rubes here with a review. Just to make this clearly stated, I seperate my reviews into 3 sections. Section one involves of me explaining my first thoughts and impressions, after 1 read through. The second section is my picking apart of quotes, whilst explaining my viewpoints and thoughts on parts. Then lastly, the third section is an overall rating of the piece itself.

First impressions: I like this. The effect of explaining your emotions with a touching yet sharp ending is emotional. It makes us ask "why did her love go?"... It would have been nice to have been ambiguously answered, but it's left on a suspenseful note. Which is ok...but a bit more backstory would've been nice.

Key quotes:

"Love, I found my screams painted on the ceiling

i get a few impressions from this line. My first one is that you are mentally distraught and left going crazy. The metaphoric description gives a contrast between relaxed painting and screaming, therefore highlighting the characters mindset/
My next impression is that paint can't be removed easily. It chips and makes an indentation on walls, paper and ceilings...just like someone leaving. It leaves our mind mentally scarred with a loneliness that very few people really understand. Maybe it's both connotations from this merged. However, it has been neatly conveyed with this phrase.

"Happy and free, you’re an experience"

I really see this line. It's beautifully constructed by the way. People are not humans when we lose them. They are memories, videos, pictures. We miss the experiences...not the people. And it is nicely said.

"Love,

Good

Bye."

I really love the ending. It looks as if the words are dramatically floating away...like you will never breathe that air again. And we don't when we say goodbye, unless we say hello again. In this story though, it seems we lose someone, and despite the agonizing pain this creates we know it is better.

Overall: I loved it, every line brought life, despite it's short length. Some parts were confusing to understand, however I am a near 14 year old and don't have as mature vocabulary as you would. I rate this a 7/10. It has been made amazingly, I just wish there was a bit more added.
Well done and thank you for publishing,
it was a joy to read
Rubes x

Points: 101
Reviews: 992

Donate

Fri Dec 17, 2021 4:31 pm

View Likes

vampricone6783 wrote a review...

I loved reading this poem.I wonder,is this about saying goodbye to love? Or,if the words “Goodbye” and “love” were people in a relationship and goodbye was thinking of a breakup,because the relationship just wasn’t possible.Love can be complicated,but,if you’re really passionate about who or what you love,then that love will last for years to come.I hope you have a lovely day/night.

Points: 528
Reviews: 26

Donate

Fri Dec 17, 2021 10:07 am

View Likes

TheRebel2007 wrote a review...

The Rebel here with a review!

First Impression: The title of this poem is the first thing that made me interested in the poem. Although I am quite perplexed at the title and its somewhat non-resonance to the main body, it probably has a deeper meaning as this seems to be more of a personal poem. The lines seem to be either somewhat sarcastic or they are just heartfelt comments on breakup - I can't deduce exactly which one of them they are.

Review of each line/stanza:

silented1 wrote:Love, I found my screams painted on the ceiling as I watch the fan turn: I know I must lose. And if I could have you- Not in this life or any- I would give you something to keep.

The first sentence of this line sets a quite horrific (in the literal meaning) tone to the poem, and the second sentence turns it into a tragedy. The second sentence seems to be more of an oxymoronic one - "And if I could have you...", this phrase expresses the narrator's desire of having their love, but "Not in this life or any..." turns the meaning into somewhat of an oxymoron. The narrator says that if they could have had their love something to keep but not in this life or any - this sounds oxymoronic and sarcastic. I don't know if this is intentional, but if it is, it's really good.

silented1 wrote:I’d write down all the ways I thought this sounds, drawings and alphabets like all my time is yours and I love you for having it.

This line too, sounds sarcastic. The narrator says that they'd have written down all the way they thought that would sound, as drawings and alphabets like all their time is for their love and they love them for having them. Seems sarcastic to me.

silented1 wrote:One day hopefully this will cease

Again, this line continues that tone of sarcasm. The narrator wishes that their love for their love ceases to be, either in despair or to make their love happy.

silented1 wrote:And I know you’re better for it.

Same thing as the previous line.

silented1 wrote:Happy and free, you’re an experience I don’t see myself having, but be happy and free.

The narrator wishes their love to be happy and free, although the narrator doesn't see themselves having their love but still wishes their love to be happy and free. This is either sarcastic, or a tone of letting their love go.

silented1 wrote:Love,

Good

Bye.

This is an excellent ending to the poem, where the narrator finally wishes goodbye to their love. All in all, a great poem, with a somewhat sarcastic and regretful and sad tone.

Young Writers Society

To catch a sunrise.

Comments

Sponsors

About / Info

Forums & RPG

Literary

Resources