The rush of a fight,
being hit, competing for
a considered right,
of men with women
that just didn't add up.
And that is the problem,
the frustration in
the fraction; you over me
in an algebraic equation.
When she equals X,
held close to your heart
and then taken away
by a substitute you.
Like a candle that burnt out,
cinnamon scents, now faded,
and the shadows, now jaded,
us at the cost of a wick.
_______________________
I wrote a second ending, that sticks with the algebra thing.
__________________________
Our broken binomial,
in the end our product was nothing
and this day is a mere factor.
I am Y. He is Z.
X + Z equals Y-even-Try?
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hiya, Eddie!
Okay, so, a maths (not math, psh.) poem! Nice.
You certainly pick interesting topics for your poem, and this one I like. I do, however, think that it could be developed way further. Firstly, you deviate off topic towards the end of the poem, when I would have liked you to take the metaphor a little further and perhaps make it more complicated. Secondly, I think you could have related it to maths a little more, perhaps thinking about ways you can relate the two topics differently. For instance, maths, to me, always seems very black and white - there isn't much wiggle room or creativity once a rule has been set. This is something that could probably be used in a poem somewhere. Not that I'm at all telling you that you should include that, but it's just an example (albeit a terrible one) of different routes you could take.
The main thing that didn't work for me was the ending. I don't like the candle imagery. Your alternative ending was okay, but I thought that last couple of lines were a little basic and didn't reach the same level that a lot of your poetry manages. You're capable of better than that, I think.
Other than that, it was an enjoyable poem. I love what you write, and you picked a good topic to do it about. I don't think this was my favourite of your poems, but it definitely doesn't let you down and it's nice to read your work again.
Hope I helped!
You have a lot of interesting lines in this poem, but it was hard for me to get at what you're really talking about. The first stanza, especially, doesn't make much sense. What right is being fought for? Because the rest of the poem seems like it's a "love triangle" sort of thing. Speaker likes girl. Other guy likes girl. Speaker doesn't get the girl. But the first stanza doesn't make sense in this context? But if the poem is actually about something else, I can't find it.
Even though I said you shouldn't use math you don't know, I think you should pick an extended metaphor and stick with it. Math, or candles? Because the candle thing didn't make much sense and I didn't like the faded/jaded rhyme just thrown in at random. Pick in image, a symbolism, a metaphor, and focus on that one whether it is math, candles, or something else entirely.
I also didn't understand how the title relates to the poem? So maybe you simply need to focus more on what you're trying to get across to the audience. ^^ Best of luck!
Yet, the whole maths thing is fun and all, but it deploys a certain sense of 'childishness' with primary school english lessons. Of course you do it in a way that can be appriciated through mature eyes, but its just not my 'cup-pa tea' XD
Anyway, its really nice and keep on writing! :]
I am going to try to stick with what I know, that way it's easier for me to use.
Also! To develop this poem more, as far as the mathematical romance theme you have going on here... check out this:
http://alumni.imsa.edu/~freakyjo/mathjokes.html
It has a bunch of ridiculous (yet hilarious!) pick up lines. I'm not sure which ones you understand and which ones you don't (seriously, math is math to me) but if you need help and want to use a particular image in your poem, PM me!
Also, for a possible ending, consider taking a limit to zero. Same image as the wick burning out, but mathematically awesome.
Hi Silented!
)
I really like the math parts and I wish you would continue more of the math! Like... you go from addition to fractions to algebra. OMG. And then! Substitute you... u-substitution from calculus??? Brilliant! So I was rather disappointed with the last line. More math, please!
(And, as far as the fraction, try the reciprocal sometimes.