Young Writers Society

Okay, as requested Ed.

I'm going to back Galerius with this one. You have a bad habit with the use of ellipsis, and it's one you should get rid of. Ellipsis represents an omission through three dot, in a way it's you dwindling off. I would replace your ellipsis with commas, which create that pause with out the finality to it.

I like your use of hardwood floors. It's a good idea, quite original but you sort of lose it as the poem develops. Re-enforce your idea with solid metaphors and more tangible imagery.

This is good, though it's a little repetitive of your other poems, try to experiment with new things, let your mind wander and find phrases that are different.

Hope this helped a bit,

Kamas

Sorry for the wait!

Because you have so many comments, I figure I'll go ahead and review without reading anyone else's review before mine. Maybe I'll say something completely new, maybe I'll say something for the umpteenth time.

I really like your ending. The rhyme also made the ending more effective. Bravo there, my friend! Bravo! It's such a deep end and it holds a lot of meat in the poem. It's very cool.

One thing I'm concerned about is the beginning and title. I don't see how hardwood floors have anything to do with the message of the poem. You only mentioned hardwood floors once (or made any sort of mention), and that was the very first line of the poem. I can't figure out where we're going with the hardwood floor analogy. Work on that part of the poem or just change it.

And another concern is that this poem seems more like whining than a... poem. It's not smooth, even if the sentences weren't chopped up. I don't feel for the speaker. That's it. At the end of the poem, I'm not caring for the speaker nor am I understanding her/him. It's just there and it doesn't hit me like it should. There's nothing leading up to that really cool ending of yours. It's pluh-pluh-pluh-BAM. And we go, 'wait, what?' We go back to re-read it, and it still doesn't make sense. How did the speaker end her/his spiel with their crying soul? They went from hardwood floors to crying souls. The tie between the two isn't very clear at all, and it leaves the reader unsatisfied.

I think your poem is a great start though. There are lines in there that are pure gold. If you could smooth out the poem so that it all ties together nicely, it will be a gem. I hope I helped or made sense!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

The poem was really good. I couldn't understand

Hardwood floors...
Reflecting nonsense
back at my battered mind.

Hi silented1,

First point of order is to take out all of those ellipses. If you want a pause - or really any kind of deviation from standard reading - punctuation should be your last tool. It's a nuclear bomb, the type of weapon that works wonders but also destroys any beauty and consistency in its wake. And as such, the ellipses, all of them, have to go. They're not serving any purpose in this piece that can't be dished up without them.

The beginning (the metaphor of the hardwood floors and your own face) was good and provoked some thought, as did the duality that you presented between happy and sad tears. Everything in between, however, read like fluff designed to fatten up your poetry and at the same time throw in an info-dump because you didn't want to go through the work of having to do it poetically yourself. For example,

So I can ignore myself.
My fake troubles
and self torment.

If I could die...
That would be a terrible
solution.
So many others would hurt,
so many others could care...

Traditionally, words in the title of a poem are capitalized, so it would be "On Hardwood Floors." I like the title a lot, by the way.

Something else I really like about your poem that stood out to me is how in it the narrator talked about how others would feel if he died. Dying is an extremely common theme in poetry, but usually I just see stuff like, "Oh, I hope I die it'll make things so much better and more peaceful because my life is awful." I like your take on it a lot better.

If you were going to change something, I think it could be even better if you were to divide it up into equal stanzas. It would be a bit nicer aesthetically, and having a common format can often help a lot.

The thing about the hair was a bit out of the blue and seemed random.

I think this would benefit from some more description words. We're talking about floors in the chat right now, and if you could make the reader really see them in their mind it would go far. Thanks a lot for the link to this, I enjoyed it. Let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed.

Wow, Ed. I was moderately surprised at just the passion of your poem. You definitely get that emotional contrast and I can really feel empathy for the person who feels this way. It kind of makes me sad. But luckily, my floors are carpeted, so I won't be looking down at the hardwood floors.

I don't know much about poetry myself, but I know that punctuation can be used, but it doesn't have to be. In this case you used some that I didn't think were actually supposed to be there in accordance to the really English punctuation rules. Like here is one that I kind of thought odd and knew you could change easily:

So I can ignore myself.
My fake troubles
and self torment.

If I could die...
That would be a terrible
solution.

Why must your poem make me so sad! It was great Ed, I couldn't find anything wrong with it, which makes me mad because I love pointing out others mistakes. Good job!
~Classy
Ps, I give you a star! Hehe adios.

Helloooo there, Eddie!


This is a fantastic step up from your usual poetry, and I love how you're improving. As far as technical things go in this, you have a few things that halt the continuous flow of this, such as capital and lowercase alternatively beginning lines and stanzas. I'd recommend not doing this, and sticking to standard rules in English and just capitalizing the beginning and letting the rest roll in lower case, because it feels like we have to start a new beginning, you know?

And, though you might like ellipses' and whatnot, I think they need to go, Teddiebear Kiddo.

Anyway, creative imagery here is creatively likeable. Again, keep the blase narration down a notch, dear, but it's good to see that you can incorporate subliminal messages into this well. I'm not sure I like the whole death reference and such, because that's nearing the fence of cliches.

Nonetheless, an enjoyable poem. You're getting better, and I think you should keep it up.

Best --

June

Hey Eddie! I believe this is the very first thing I've reviewed of yours, but you didn't disappoint. This poem was very, very good.

However, I only had one issue with it, and one minor nitpicky thing.

First:
Why the analogy to wood flooring? Wood is only very minimally reflective, and it doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the poem. You're better off using mirrors, unless there is a specific reason why you're using wood. However, if there is, you should probably go int detail a little bit more because I can't really see any special reason why wood is being used.

Nitpick:
The instances in which you use ellipses should really be commas. It's more correct, and it also looks and sounds better.

That's all! PM me if you have any questions.

Your work just keeps getting better and better.

Something so deep covered it such short sentences,yet done more effectively than a 40 line poem.

In the first paragraph it comes right in the face.Only one smile needed to lighten us up in tough and testing times...and even when that does not come life can be a living hell.

We see the writers wish to die,yet his obligation to live which must torture him no end.Even in his challenging times he must survive for the ones close to him.

I'm speechless regarding the last four lines.

Hope to see such caliber next time too.

Hey Ed!

The bits I like best in this poem are those where I can think and that aren't thrown directly onto my face. These bits were "Hardwood floors/reflecting nonsense" and "My reflection yields nothing" and "My soul will cry their tears." Those are my favourite lines, and with the rest of the poem I had more or less problems, to be honest.

The poem seems like an overflowing stream of consciousness, rather than a carefully built piece of poetry. There's nothing wrong with SOC, don't get me wrong, it's only human. I just think that it makes a poem seem mainly unfinished and more difficult to grab. Having somewhat even stanzas and lines of the same-ish length would make it a lot different, although I don't want to sound like I want all poetry to look symmetrical, because that's not the case. But with a poem like this one, it would be something to consider in my opinion.

There were also bits that seemed to me like they weren't thought over as much as they could have. For example:

simple smile,
in all my inner disaster,
is all I ask.