My father has large hands,
he could wrap his fingers around my head
and pick me up with one arm.
He could also throw me, but if I
closed my eyes it wouldn't hurt
as much.
I'd become lost in a sandbox,
where the sand formed castles that
crumbled from his voice shaking the house.
My trainset derailed and then crashed into
the wall as the sand shifted beneath the tracks.
My body was too big to fit in the fernace,
yet small enough to be burried alive with my family.
If I closed my eyes, it didn't hurt as much.
When my sandbox turned to mud and our
graves were flooded, I heard him screaming
again; I opened my eyes.
And found broken glass around the dinner table,
blood on the wall and counter.
Mother was crying as she cleaned herself
and the kitchen up.
If I closed my eyes it wouldn't hurt as much.
but I knew he'd still be beating her.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I loved this so much! That line "He could also throw me" was really unexpected and so powerful. The repetition of "If I closed my eyes it wouldn't hurt as much" felt so vulnerable and just amazing.
I actually don't think the last line was needed because it's already implied. I personally think it would have been more effective to end with "If I close my eyes it wouldn't hurt as much".
Also it's a really interesting title.
D'aww... Hi there... *forgot your real name* o.o Silented1!
Good job on that. And I love the last line, it closed this poem beautifully. Although, the poem doesn't seem to have a pattern, and it doesn't flow either... so it's not very catchy. But that's just my opinion, lol. Though, what you showed us is surely creative. You certainly, brought us a great topic and that counts.
I love the subject. All the while I was imagining this little kid, and when I understood what this was about it was just terrible. Guess you achieved what you wanted.
Keep it up!
~Solly<3
Mate, that was incredible, made me want to quit writing xD hahahahahahaha.
If I could make just a few comments, I noticed a few minor misspellings, and I think on Occasion you became over descriptive, Overall I was really impressed, but on one or two lines it did feel a tad overboard, just early on. After about half way things really picked up and I was swept away. 8/10