The bell rings off of the
metal legs of empty chairs,
questions kept them warm
offsetting the cold air with a fog.
The dirty outlines of paper
scar the seemingly concrete (yet still wooden)
desks, where so many tests
lay unfinished
and their purpose unrealised.
The kids wrote on the walls
more than their tablets,
in blue sharpie; teachers
were taunted for marking
them down in the same red
as the lockers.
That are now a corroded brown iron,
numberless and worthless,
they guard no knowledge.
From when sounds filled the halls,
with mostly a clutter of voices
that find their ghosts on security
cameras.
Rewinding and replaying
the time that I went to my locker,
and got my coat; knowing
full well that school will be
just as hollow the next day.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Eddie!
Thanks for requesting me but I must let you know, I fail at reviewing poetry. That said, don't expect anything quite grand from me but I will do my best to give you some sort of helpful review. =)
Now, my impression of this poem is positive. I like the fact that you're trying to describe the emptiness of school and I'm sure there there were times in which I've also felt the same way, dreading that the next day will be the same. So you've connected to a lot of us with this subject. ^^
Honestly, I like the beginning a lot more than I did the ending. For one thing, the part about the tests' propose being unrealized was something that hit me more than any of the others. I feel like there are a lot of kids who lay back and don't fully understand the reason for tests and homework and all that good stuff that we all adore so much but think too coolly to say it. Anyway, I thought I'd mention that since I liked the way it was worded and all.
Another thing I noticed was the whole first person part in the end. I thought it jumped out a little much...
I'm not sure if it's just me or anyone else but if it were me, I probably would change it. However, that decision is yours to make. Also, as far as I know (being nitpicky as a last resort for being unhelpful) Lockers are numbered so I'm not sure why you said the lockers were numberless. Unless there is a weird school out there that doesn't have locker numbers...
Can you explain to me what you meant by "questions kept them warm?" The student warm? Chairs warm? :/
I felt somewhat confused by the first stanza...
Overall, it's a nice poem and I enjoyed reading it. There were a few places which I had to think about twice but then again, I'm not really much of a poetry person. ^^ Hopefully, this review helped however. If you have any questions about anything I've said, let me know and I'll try to explain it further.
All the best,
-Pink
That's exactly how I feel! Man school is so boring and meaningless sometimes, but I do need it for my future. We all need it and don't even know it sometimes. But at the same time, who really knows what they'll need for the future? You have good truth in your poem, keep writing them, you're good.
I like your poem because I am also familiar with the same scenarios eveyday!
Nothing much to say, only try capitalising--
And after "lockers" try just putting a comma, though I see what you're trying to do with the previous line and this one.
Keep 'em coming!
-Mikko'-