they prepare you for an ally. where a man with brightly colored hair waits for you in the middle.as you walk by he says his line. “hey kid, you wanna buy some drugs?” youve heard it a thousand times before and without thinking you answer. “no” quickening your pace till youre out of the ally and home free. you passed the test.
what they dont prepare you for is this. the first day of school where you dont know anyone. where you dont talk much or make eye contact. and then one day you meet someone. they’re nice and sweet and treat you like youve known them for years. and in fact you have. so you become friends, get invited to the movies go shopping do things together. and then one day your at a party. theres a group of kids standing in a circle and when your friend moves to join in you follow, not knowing what to do. so when the joint finaly comes your way and your friend takes a long drag. she looks to you holds it out fingers squished neatly at the end where her lips just were and asks. “want some?” you dont say no. you take it from her hands and suck haphazardly at the end. the smoke enters your lungs and it burns your throat makes your eyes water. youre done quick. you pass it on and the line continues to take drag after drag. three more rounds and your friends eyes are heavily lidded and glassy. like she hasnt slept for days. you dont feel much deferent though.
they never prepared you for this
it takes a while to kick in at first. you had to try it three or four times before you felt anything at all infact. but you persisted, wanting to see what all the fuss was about at least once in your life. And when it did, oh boy when it first did it was amazeing. you never wanted it to stop, like an amusement park but better. but when it did it wasnt that great. nights got longer and days got harder, it became a struggle to deal with the people around you. i cant, became a frequently used frase.
at first you thought seclusion was the answer, you left your home to live in the country. it was a large place with open fealds, forests and wildlife. utterly breathtaking. by that time you would swed, usuialy with only one or two friends. spending way to much money, after all someone had to finance the habit.
but there are people to live for and that is not a life you are allowed to live. so with the humming of a buss and the sun through a window, you find the life you need to live. and you live it.
the fan hums in the darkness, lit solely by a screen. its tiring, all of it, the heat, the noise and the late hour. not to mention the long day of nothing in particular. turns out the consequences for seclusion is time, long days of waiting and attempting to find work until school restarts. you supose youll see how it gos for a bit
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Alright, Hello Silent, Wolf here for a review.
So I see a lot of grammar errors here. One huge one, is that there are absolutely no capital letters. So, there are a few things to know when it comes to capitalization. Every time there is a period, the very first letter of the very next word should be capitalized, like I do here. Though, it is only really the period who does this, but one letter is an exception, and that is 'I'. So whenever the pronoun 'I' is used it should be capitalized. Also, when a new sentence in dialogue is being started, it should be capitalized too.
On to dialogue. So I notice a little bit of dialogue in here, and that's good to add dialogue of other characters, because it helps with developing them, but every time there is new dialogue a new paragraph should be started, like so (also pay attention to the punctuation and capitalization.):
"Hello, Fred," George smiled, "Wonderful day, don't you think?"
"Thinking today is wonderful, is like thinking a tree can fly," Fred retorts.
"Wow, Fred, you are in a bad mood today."
Get it? Random conversation between men.
Enough about grammar. I find your topic interesting, since I don't normally see people writing in second person because usually it's really hard to pull the reader in. You're trying to make it sound like it's the reader's experiences, but really it's not and it doesn't really work out. I do commend you for trying though!
With a lot of work, this can be turned into something really amazing, just keep at it. Happy Review Day and Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Hello, Silent.
Kanome here with a review. Just a short one, I won't take long.
I like the story plot, it's just there are many grammar errors in this piece...
No capitalization, some run-on sentences...
I think you should look over this and revise.
Many work has to be done with this in order for it to be properly good for readers.
Other than that, you did a very good job, so I can't wait to read more of your work c:
Hello.
There are a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in this piece. I won't comment on them all because it would be unfair and it would take too long.
However, it's unfortunate in this case that the amount of technical errors there are impedes the impact of the writing reaching the receiver.
What I mean by this is:
There are no capital letters or full stops in this sentence. Why? You've used them in other sentences. It's quite inconsistent. I would suggest that you edit this piece and concentrate on putting all the grammatical and technical stuff back in.
This for example: 'at first you thought seclusion was the answer, you left your home to live in the country.' is not really 'wrong' it just needs a capital letter at the beginning of the sentence.
These issues could easily be resolved and then you will have a good, and accurate piece of writing.
~R