The words are like sludge. They're thick and heavy. But they wont seem to stop trying to pouring out of my mouth. But of course when they do find a crack to seep through they tangle. Suddenly like the air has hardened them. It wasn't always like this, there was a time when I wasn't afraid of words of expressing myself. However it was so long ago that the memory is more of a dream than anything real. So i let it pass just like it is one.
The thoughts in my head where always quicker than my hands or my mouth. And i remember being young and trying so hard to do it right. Always just wanting to be somewhat satisfactory. I took classes read books anything that i thought could help me improve, but eventually I just gave up.
Because why try and change something that might not be changeable. Maybe, I thought it was ok that i couldn't wright or speak well. Maybe this just wasn't the language i was supposed to learn.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!!
First Impression: Okay...well..that was a surprisingly deep story there for being as short as it is. Definitely think you're conveying quite a lot here...and I do my best to guess on that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well...that was quite a scary beginning. not having any kind of control over what you're saying I believe is the thing that's happening here. Definitely hinting at some heavy backstory there based on that. Also some really well placed imagery there to describe what that sort of situation is like. Definitely creating a very vivid picture there in the mind with all of that. Well I suppose let's see what's up with the rest of this.
Okay..well...that doesn't sound too good...someone that tried hard there to learn something and then trying to do whatever is going wrong here right but then eventually giving up due to it not working out....definitely a sad bit of backstory there.
Hmm..could this simply be a person that's struggling to learn a foreign language...hmm..somehow I don't believe this can be something quite that simple here...there's gotta be a deeper meaning to this. Hm...my guess would be maybe someone that's simply struggling with kind of speaking disorder maybe...I can't be too sure...well anyway that's all for my guesses here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall I think this was quite an interesting little story here. I hope my interpretation there was somewhat close to what you intended. Anyway that's all I gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi!
I agree with the previous review, that I would probably take this as some form of poetry rather than a short story.
There's a few little grammatical errors, just where you haven't capitalised 'I' and a few places where I feel that commas are needed to save the reader running out of breath if read aloud! ("But of course when they do find a crack to seep through they tangle") is an example of where I would break it up with commas.
I really like the simile of the air hardening your words, that was lovely and conjured fantastic images, as of course, a good simile should!
I'd put a question mark after the question near the end, just to form a rhetorical question for the reader to ponder on...
Other than those pinickity things, very atmospheric and a nice, interesting theme to the piece.
I really like this little story, though I would think of it more as a performance poem than a short story, if I might be honest. You have cool imagery and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this. Be sure to keep on writing, I'm excited to hear from you more, plus I like to make friends and talk about writing, so if that's your cake as well as mine, drop me a line sometime!
Anyway, technical things I would change. First of all, always gotta capitalize them I's, and you should be sure to use comma's a lot more. Other than that, I think you're pretty set. I'm going to copy and paste your story and add some of my changes to better express my critiques, but either way, good luck!
The words are like sludge, thick and heavy. They can't stop trying to pour out of my mouth, but of course when they do find a crack to seep through. they tangle, like the air has hardened them. It wasn't always like this, there was a time when I wasn't afraid of words, of expressing myself, it was so long ago that the memory is more of a dream than anything real. I let it pass just like it is one.
The thoughts in my head were always quicker than my hands or my mouth. I remember being young and trying so hard to do it right, always wanting to be somewhat satisfactory. I took classes, read books, anything that I thought could help me improve. Eventually I gave up.
Why try and change something that might not be changeable. I thought it was OK that I couldn't wright or speak well. Maybe this just wasn't the language I was supposed to learn.